


You can be loved

by Ziamismyotp



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depression, Fluff and Angst, I swear, M/M, Minor Violence, Oh My God, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, kind of, obliviousness at an all time high, sad!zayn, this story is all over the fucking place, warning, zayn!centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-26
Updated: 2014-06-08
Packaged: 2017-12-13 02:04:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 77,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/818679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ziamismyotp/pseuds/Ziamismyotp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn Malik, a quiet foster kid who escapes in his drawings and sings to ignore the pain. He’s tossed from home to home until he’s 15 and is put into an abusive foster home and when he’s 18 he’s finally free. Harry finds Zayn living on the street, takes him in and gets him a job at the coffee shop he works in. There, Zayn meets Harry’s boyfriend, Louis and two close friends Niall and then there's Liam, who is muscle and puppy eyes and a kind voice that speaks to Zayn softly as if he doesn't want to scare him away. Liam drives Zayn mad.</p><p>Zayn doesn't speak of his past and even after they've welcomed him and made him feel as if he might matter… might belong for once, he still refuses to believe he can ever be loved. Liam tries to prove him wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry the title sucks. I didn't know what to name it :/
> 
> Anyway, this is my first post on this website and it's my first Ziam fanfic. This chapter is mostly just filling you in on Zayn's past and towards the end is mostly Zarry friendship which I ship till the end but Ziam will happen so bare with me. I hope it's not terrible... enjoy :)
> 
> By the way I'm not british but I tried...

So here’s how it went

Zayn Malik, an unconscious 4 year old boy pulled out of burning flames and a collapsing house in Bradford and relocated to a nearby hospital along with his parents.

They didn’t make it and the young boy, with no other family, was sent to a foster home with 7 other kids. To young to understand, Zayn cried for his parents and lashed out on the other kids and soon after he was sent away to another foster home. Zayn was there until he was 6 and was sent away when he had a breakdown after finding out the truth about his parents and started acting out again.

At 8 years of age, Zayn fought with other kids because they didn’t like how dark his skin was or how he prayed to a different god and when Zayn broke another kids wrist he was sent to another foster home. He was 10.

Zayn was warned that his new foster home was a bit stricter and they didn’t tolerate violence. Zayn liked this place. The other kids couldn’t hurt him and his new foster parents left him alone when Zayn was having one of his mood swings. That changed when he snuck off with his friends Danny and Ant and got his ears pierced. His new parents hated him after that, something about how his body is sacred and god’s temple. It was all bullshit to Zayn. They caught him with a cigarette at 13 and he was sent away again.

Zayn didn’t understand why nobody wanted him. Was it his religion? Was it his skin color? His race… he is half Pakistani but he couldn’t change that. Yes, those are all reasons, proven by the horrible kids in his new foster home. Zayn hated it there and at 14 he ran away only to be found that night in the park smoking some weed with his friends.

Finally Zayn was sent to his last home. The worst of them all. It was fine for the first few days and Zayn will never forget when it all changed. The first time he was hit by an adult and definitely not the last. Those people who called him creative names and hurt him in even more creative ways. Zayn suffered from many broken bones the first year. Him and a few nurses at the hospital where on first name bases.

Zayn didn’t think it could get worse.

He was wrong.

They did things to him. They touched him. They took his virginity when he was 16. They mostly struck at night when Zayn was asleep and they where drunk… he’s been scared of the dark since.

During this time is when he discovered his talent with art. Art became Zayn’s escape. Whenever he was sad and angry, wishing he could die, he’d draw. Draw out his feelings or splatter pant across canvas and create a master piece. Most of his creations would be destroyed after by his foster parents but others where protected by Zayn and his foster siblings who admired his art.

He also realized his love for singing. Zayn never sang before except when he was young and sang with his parents in the car or in the house… but that was a long time ago and Zayn refuses to think about it.

His parents had amazing voices which Zayn must have inherited. Zayn hummed during his abuse to distract himself from the pain. Hum a song about pain and sadness. Something that described his feelings. Something familiar to him. That became Zayn’s thing. When Zayn starts singing everyone knows when something’s wrong. Zayn never sings when he’s happy. Or… he’s never had a chance because he hasn’t been happy in years.

The first time Zayn got a tattoo at 16, his foster parents where furious. They poured grits on the kitchen floor and made Zayn kneel on them all night. Zayn didn’t forget the look in their eyes that night when they sat back and watched him cringe in pain. The amusement and joy while they sipped their beers. It made Zayn sick. He wouldn’t cry that night, he wouldn’t show them weakness even when the grits dug deep enough to draw blood. That also didn’t stop him from getting his next tattoo or any of the others after that. He wouldn’t let them win even if it meant he would wake up in his own dried blood ever time.

Zayn never told anyone about the abuse. He didn't want anybody to know. That one time his Gym teacher saw the cuts and bruises on his legs and asked about them, Zayn lied and said he's not very good at skate boarding and fell a lot. His teacher believed him and a part of Zayn wished he didn't and that maybe he'd try to help but Zayn decided that maybe that would be a bad thing. He started wearing joggers everyday to gym after that.

The morning of Zayn’s 18th birthday he shrugged on his coat, grabbed his already packed bag full of clothes and money he managed to save throughout the years and jumped out his window. He ran through the front yard and climbed over the fence flinching in pain from his beating the previous night, 18 good whips to the arms to celebrate and one to the cheek for good luck.

 

 

And now here Zayn is. Only a week later and outside of a coffee shop smoking a fag when he hears the door next to him opens, chimes invading the silent peace. When Zayn looks over he spots a boy. A boy with long limbs, a mob of curls on his head and these green eyes that Zayn must admit are kind of nice. When the boy speaks his voice is surprisingly deep and raspy, his words dragging on and taking what felt like minutes to finish one word.

“Hey mate, sorry to bother you but some of my customers are complaining. You should put that out or smoke it somewhere else.” The boy is smiling and Zayn can’t even bring himself to be annoyed.

“Okay whatever. I was finished anyway” Zayn rolled his eyes and dropped his fag on the floor, stomping on it to make sure it’s put out.

“Thanks. I’m Harry by the way” The boy- Harry extended his hand and before Zayn could think he was already flinching at the sudden gesture and when Zayn didn’t move to shake Harry's hand he gave him a curious look. Zayn felt uncomfortable under the gaze of this stranger and he just wanted to leave and go… he had no where to go.

“Zayn” he mumbled out and Harry’s smile was back on his face. “What are you doing here?” Harry asked. Zayn stuck his hands in his the pockets of his jumper and shrugged.

“Well if you want I can give you a ride to your flat. I clock out in a few minutes.” Zayn looked at Harry again. What’s with this kid, he thought. Zayn contemplated what to say. He didn’t have a flat but should he really tell Harry that? This stranger he just met. He’ll probably laugh at him and call him a dirty paki. But no. Something told Zayn Harry wasn’t that kind of person.

“You can’t drive me to my flat.” Zayn looked away, embarrassment already creeping in. “Why not?” Harry questioned.

“I… I don’t h-have a flat” Zayn stuttered out. He looked at Harry for a brief second, long enough to see what he knows has to be pity in his eyes before looking back at the ground, burning holes into the cement and wishing those words would just fly back into his mouth and never come out again.

“Oh… well that’s okay, you can come to my flat. I have an extra room.” Zayn thinks Harry is naive. Zayn could be a serial killer or a rapist, he‘s not but Harry doesn’t know that. Nonetheless, Zayn was glad Harry didn’t question him why he didn’t have a home. He wasn’t sure he could handle anymore embarrassment and he was sure as hell that he would yell at Harry to ‘fuck off’ and stomp away, offending the boy who was being to nice to a stranger.

Harry brought a hand to rest on Zayn’s shoulder bringing him out of his thoughts and causing him to tense immediately. Harry either didn’t notice or didn’t care that it bothered Zayn because he didn’t move his hand. “Zayn?” Zayn weighed his pros and cons of going with Harry. Pros out weighing the cons in the end. “Okay” Zayn nodded and when he saw Harry beam he wondered why this kid cared so much.

“Alright follow me, I have to clock out then we can get on our way” Harry’s grabbed Zayn’s wrist and tugged him into the small shop. Zayn still tenses and he’s thinking if this kid keeps touching him he’s ganna explode of fright. This is the most contact he’s had with someone that wasn’t trying to hurt him in a long time and it’s the most odd feeling he’s felt in a while.

Zayn followed Harry inside the shop but stopped at the counter while Harry climbed over and ignored the looks he got from customers because is bum just rubbed all over the counter top. Zayn’s eyes traced the shop admiring the two cream color walls matched with the other two darker brown walls. There are four booths on one side of the shop and four on the other side and square tables with chairs scattered in the center of the room. Towards the front of the store, by the big windows was a couch with a coffee table in front of it and a recliner on the side of the table. Lining the top of the walls where vines with lights attached and little flowers spread out.

Before Zayn could finish examining the rugged floors which must be hard to clean but make the place feel cozy, Harry appeared. “Like the place?” he questioned and leaned on the counter much like Zayn was. Zayn nodded and Harry smiled wider. “It’s my paps place, says he’s ganna hand it over to me when I’m old enough.” Zayn could see Harry really liked this place, hell he does too. “Well let’s go” Harry patted Zayn’s back and when Zayn flinched Harry gave him a questioning look which Zayn shrugged off and walked in front of Harry which is probably stupid since he doesn’t know what car is Harry’s.

“This way” Harry informed and when he lifted his arm to, what looked like to grab Zayn, he pulled his arm back at his side and instead bobbed his head to the direction they needed to go. Zayn was relieved but he also felt guilty. Zayn followed Harry to a small parking lot on the side of the building and when Harry unlocked a 2012 Cadillac Zayn almost froze in his spot. Harry noticed Zayn’s surprise and chuckled.

“My fathers a wealthy man. It was my 17th birthday gift last year” Harry motioned for Zayn to get in and Zayn for once smiled a little even through the envy.

During the ride Harry kept looking at Zayn. It made him self conscious. He doesn’t know why Harry keeps looking. Maybe it’s his clothes? But Zayn likes to think he has a nice style. He had a job, made some good money and spent some of it on clothes he liked. Maybe Zayn spelled weird, though he took a shower this morning before they kicked him out the motel for not paying anymore.

“Why do you do that?” Harry finally spoke when they parked in an underground parking lot. Zayn turned and finally looked at the stranger. “Do what?” Zayn asked trying to hide his annoyance.

“Flinch. Every time I touch you, you flinch or tense. Do I frighten you?” Harry asked looking so generally confused and concerned it made Zayn snort. That and the fact that this adorable baby looking kid thought he scared someone like Zayn. Someone who wore leather jackets, smoked cigs and was covered in tattoos. Zayn wasn’t scared of Harry, or anyone. Zayn doesn’t get scared. He almost snorts at himself.

“You don’t frighten me Harry” Zayn rolled his eyes and opened the car door but before he could get out Harry’s talking again. “Then why do you do that?” Zayn lets out a frustrated sigh and looks at Harry.

“Look, can we just… talk about it some other time” Zayn tries to give a small smile but the week is getting to him and he just wants to sleep. Harry smiles and Zayn almost wants to slap him. Why is this kid so fond of smiling. “Yeah, some other time” Harry beams.

“Why are you so jolly?” Zayn questioned because seriously, this kids happiness is angering him. Where can Zayn find some of that happiness because Harry seems to have an unlimited amount… maybe he’ll led some over.

“Just… you said some other time and that means you’re ganna stay. I like making friends Zayn and you’ll be a nice addition to my little group.” Harry said all chippy like and Zayn wanted to punch him. Instead he scuffed and asked Harry if they can just go inside. Harry gladly agreed and led him into a fancy looking elevator that led into a building. Harry pressed the button 18 and they stood in silence until the doors opened on the 18th floor. Zayn followed Harry down a hallway until they reached one of the last on the right side.

When Harry opened the door they walked inside and Zayn stopped by the doorway to examine the place. They entered a living room which was quiet big. There was a flat screen television hanging in the middle of the left wall and across from it was a leather couch and a love seat and a circular coffee table in the center with what looked like magazines and a mug of coffee on top of it. There where two bean bags leaning on top of each other in the corner and really who has bean bags anymore?

The floor was hard wood but a large blue rug laid under the coffee table and stretched on. The walls where painted a light blue and two large windows spread across the wall across from the front door. Next to the Tv on the left wall there was a door and a large open window that showed some of the kitchen and on the right wall was a hallway which Zayn could only assume had the bedrooms and bath.

“Nice place you got here” Zayn complemented and moved to the couch when Harry made his way to the kitchen. Harry grinned. “Thanks, got this place on my own though.” Harry said proudly and Zayn smiled and looked at Harry. For some reason Zayn wanted Harry to see he was grateful because Harry is a nice kid. He so openly welcomed Zayn into his home and didn’t even question Zayn who he was. He didn’t even hesitate or look regretful after asking Zayn to stay at his place. Zayn thinks he wouldn’t mind being friends with this kid because if he dares to admit, he finds him quiet amusing specially right now when Harry just dropped a cup and cursed up a storm, calling a shattered glass a ‘wanker’.

“Tea?” Harry called from down on the floor picking up the broken glass. “Please” Zayn called back and after watching Harry struggle with the simple task of making tea Zayn decided if he is going to stay here he’s going to be making the tea for now on. Harry came over a handed Zayn a mug with snoopy and Woodstock on it and sat down next to him, tucking his legs under his body.

“So Z, do you mind if I call you that? Oh it doesn’t matter I like it” Harry laughed and took a sip of his tea. Zayn looked at him surprised and shook his head smiling and really, he didn’t mind the nickname. He’s never had one. “Do you have a job?” Harry questioned and when Zayn shook his head no Harry nearly bounced off the couch.

“Great! Cause I was thinking, since your going to be staying here you can just work at the coffee shop with me” Harry announced excitedly and Zayn nearly choked on his tea and when Zayn gave him a bewildered expression Harry suddenly looked like a kicked puppy and Zayn just wanted to please him again. He sighed and agreed with little enthusiasm “Yeah that’ll be great”

“Brilliant! You can meet Louis and Niall and Liam! Your going to love them. Their the best lads in town. See Liam works there too but Louis and Niall don’t. They just visit and squeeze free grub from me” Harry laughed and there was fondness and adoration in his eyes when he spoke about his friends and Zayn wished he had friends to adore.

“They’re your mates?” Zayn asked nervously. He’s not sure if he wants to meet them, he’s not good with new people. He’s surprised he’s being so friendly with Harry.

“Best! Well, Louie is my boyfriend” Harry told him and Zayn’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “Yeah I probably should have told you I’m gay. Does that bother you?” Harry mumbled looking down. Zayn bite back a laugh because Harry might take it offensive.

“Of course not, I’m gay too… well more like bi” Zayn confessed. Harry’s face lit up. “Wonderful!” Harry rejoiced “Did you know Zayn, my whole little group are a bunch of gays too? Gays and bi’s. This is absolutely mad. What kind of coincidence is that” Harry sighed happily making Zayn chuckle. “Well actually, Niall doesn’t label himself. He just goes with the flow. He likes how what he likes and that’s pretty much it” Harry explained and Zayn wondered how things can be so simple.

“Well mate, it’s getting late and if we’re going to work our pretty little bums off tomorrow without falling into exhaustion we better get to bed. I’m pretty knackered anyway.” Harry insisted and zayn nodded in agreement. He’s been waiting for this moment all day and now that he knows he’ll be sleeping in a bed and not a pile of garbage he’s as excited as ever.

“You can have a shower if you want, feel free to use whatever shampoo and soap you want. Foods in the kitchen just don’t eat the left over nandos in the fridge or Niall will have your head. Guest rooms right across my room. If you need a night time cuddle just come right in, I don’t mind” Zayn chuckled and said his thank you before watching Harry walk into his room.

Zayn followed Harry’s path but changed course to enter hi- the guest room. The room is huge. He looked around at the white plain walls and decided if he’s going to be staying here he’s going to need to add some color to this room, maybe some posters or paintings, maybe both. Zayn looked at the king size bed and oh god it looks so comfortable. Zayn patted his feet across the brown wood floors and dropped his weight onto the mattress.

“uuuggghmmmm” Zayn moaned into the duvet and kicked off his trainers followed by his pants, top and jumper leaving him bare in his boxers. Just the way he likes it. Zayn turned off the light and before he could piss himself in fright he jumped at the remote and turned on the telly, lighting the room in bright colors and filling Zayn with comfort. He plugged in his phone, dropped it on the bedside table and snuggled under the covers. Zayn thought maybe the bed was a little to big and he almost wished someone was next to him but that thought was temporary because soon he drifted off into a much needed sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zayn's first day on the job

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope I don't disapoint

“Rise and shine my sleeping beauty!” someone barges into the room scaring the living shit out of Zayn and nearly putting him straight into cardiac arrest. Zayn readied himself for what he was expecting was going to be another attack from his foster parents but then he remembers where he is and who’s yelling and he’s about ready to murder this kid for waking him at this ungodly hour and nearly causing him a heart attack.

“Has anyone ever told you your bed head is quite adorable? Because it is. Almost as good as that 10 foot tall quiff you had yesterday” Zayn resisted the urge to bite Harry’s head off but then the covers are thrown to the floor and he has to physically stops himself from attacking the boy. He hears a gasp and brings himself to open his left eye. “What the hell are you looking at” he mumbled.

“You have a lot of tattoos! Their awesome! I could stare at you all day do you know that? You beautiful boy, you” Zayn tried not to blush but he hardly ever gets complements and it's new and he's feeling slightly uncomfortable. Zayn turns aso he’s laying on his chest and Harry can't see his embarrassing blush. “Just as I thought, the back is as good as the front.” Harry chuckled and Zayn groaned.

“Don’t you have a boyfriend” The words came out muffled through the mattress and he’s surprised Harry understood him when he spoke. “Indeed I do but that doesn’t mean I can’t admire other guys” Zayn held back a snort and lifted himself off the bed till he was sitting on the edge rubbing sleep out his eyes. He looked at the clock, it read 6:26am. He groaned again.

“Christ Harry, why the fucking hell are you walking me up at this bloody hour” Zayn cursed while rubbing a hand across his face, trying to wake himself. “Are you mental or do you just have a death wish?”

“Oh someone’s not a morning person” Harry observed. “Not in the least bit” Zayn grumbled. “Well on another note you have to get your arse up and shower. Eggs are on the counter in the kitchen. I’m going to the market and I’ll be back for you” Harry tells him and turns to face the door and walk out.

“Um , Harry? Why exactly am I up at this time again?” Harry sighed and turned around to face Zayn again. “How exactly am I ever going to deal with you? You daft fucker. We work in an hour” Realization hits Zayn and then he’s groaning again and just when he’s about to crawl into a ball Harry’s tugging him out of bed and through the living room until they reach the bathroom. But then they stop half way and Harry turns to Zayn with the widest of grins.

“What the hell are you cheesing about” Zayn rolls his eyes and tries to push past Harry’s solid frame but the boys taller and more firm then Zayn. “You didn’t flinch! I’m getting to you!” Harry points out with this stupid smug look on his face that Zayn's considering slapping off, instead he mutters a whatever and walks into the bathroom while Harry practically bounces off the walls but Zayn secretly finds it adorable. Of course he'll never admit that though.

 _Your not getting to me... you can't get to me,_ He thinks defensively. Truth is Zayn's not sure if he wants to befriend Harry. Everyone Zayn's ever bothered to care about and befriend has left him or after a while, started bullying him like those other kids did. He doesn't want to start caring about Harry and then either Zayn'll hurt him like he did his parents or Harry'll hurt Zayn like everyone else.

 

 

 

After a quick shower he stepped out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist about ready to enter his bedroom to dress when a whistle echoed in the house. Zayn turned so fast he’s surprised he didn’t give himself whiplash and he almost comes face to face with a short boy. The boys wearing a dark red beanie, a loose grey tank that showcases many tattoos on his chest and arm, black jeans folded to just bellow the knee and some vans on his feet. The boys face kinda reminds Zayn of a Pixie and he has to force away the urge to laugh in his face because that would be rude.

“And who might you be and why exactly are you in my boyfriends apartment?” The boy questioned with a narrowed eyes. Zayn let out a sigh at the realization of who the guy was. “You must be Louis” Zayn smiled trying to show he’s friendly but Louis was still skeptical.

“Yes and you must be deaf considering you haven’t answer my question yet” Louis challenged, stepping towards Zayn slowly with a glare that could kill. Then a deeper voice spoke up with a chuckle behind the words.

“Down Louis, This is only Zayn. Remember I told you he’s staying with me last night. He’s working at the coffee shop today” immediately Louis relaxed under Harry’s hand that rested on his shoulder. Louis nodded his head and looked back at Zayn but this time his eyes looked less like death and more like welcoming.

“Well, lovely to meet you Zayn” Louis extended a hand and Zayn didn't flinch but he eyed it warily. He’s still not keen on contact and Harry must realize his discomfort because he’s telling Louis that Zayn needs to dress and that he made his tea just the way he likes it then Louis is skipping to the kitchen and Zayn’s completely forgotten.

 

 

 

The three of them walk into the coffee shop. It’s empty besides two guys, one’s working on the coffee machine, looks to be having trouble and the other, a pale, blonde boy is scrolling through his phone and leaning against the counter. As soon as the chimes on the door sound the blonde looks up and practically gallops over and drops himself into the arms of Harry and Louis.

“Haz! Lou! Where have you been all my life!” He cries dramatically and Harry snorts. “Niall don’t be so dramatic, I saw your arse yesterday” he sighs but the fond look in his eyes is back and it says he’s anything but annoyed with the boy.

“Oh lord Niall I’ve missed you dearly! Don’t ever leave me again! I have separation anxiety!” Louis joins in on the act and they fall into each other making the show quite amusing. Zayn lets a quiet laugh fall from his lips, at least he thought it was quiet but the way Niall pulls away from Louis quickly and darts to Zayn says otherwise.

“Hello mate, I’m Niall and who'r you?” The accent that lies with the words is an unusual sound, something you don’t hear much where Zayn’s from and he settles on Irish.

“Z-zayn” he stutters out feeling pretty intimated by the big blue eyes staring into his Hazel orbs. It’s so much he finds himself looking away and at Harry giving him a look of desperation, he’s sure.

“Niall don’t you know personal space? Back up” Harry commands and pulls Niall back a little. Zayn sighs in relief. He’s not good with closeness. He’s still pretty sure every time someone comes close to him their going to hurt him somehow. He wishes that fear will go away.

“Oh Harry don’t treat him like a child. I’m positive Zayn can handle himself, cant'cha Zayn?” Niall prodded and Zayn, unsure what to do just nods and forces out a “S-sure” that’s when someone else joins the group. A tall lad, not much taller then Zayn though, with brown hair pulled up into a smaller version of Zayn’s quiff, broad shoulders and these puppy eyes that look as if they can kill you with kindness. He laughs and Zayn swears it’s the most wonderful sound he’s every heard.

“Sorry, Zayn is it?” The boy who must be Harry’s other friend, asks. Zayn nods, not trusting his speech skills as of right now. “Niall comes on pretty strong. I’m Liam” He speaks softly and Zayn’s not sure which is better, his laugh or his voice.

“Zayn… or y-you already know that” Zayn pretty sure his voice squeaked mid-sentence and he’s mentally kicking himself in his balls and when Liam chuckles he wants to run away and hide under a rock. Maybe if he smashes his head into the wall enough times, he'll forget this ever happened... or fall into a coma. Eithers fine with him.

Liam extends his hand and Zayn tries so hard not to flinch in surprise and fear but it happens, he flinches and Liam looks guilty and he hates himself. “Zayn” Harry sighs finally joining the conversation again, if only he came in sooner Zayn thinks. “He does that” Harry informs Liam who gives them a curious look.

“And how do you know that Harry?” Louis rose an eyebrow, placed his hands on his hips and glared at Harry with the same glare Zayn got earlier this morning. “I tried to shake his hand yesterday and he wouldn’t” Harry explains innocently.

“That's odd...Maybe he’s a germaphobe” Louis offered and Zayn rolled his eyes.

“I’m still here and no Louis, I’m not a germaphobe” Zayn retorted. “He can speak full sentences!” Niall cheers and Zayn rolls his eyes again. Of course he's capable of full sentences he's just feeling slightly nervous around these fucking lunitics.

Finally Louis acknowledges Zayn again, back on the previous subject. “Good because I can’t handle a germaphobe. This is a family of cuddlers and if you can’t cuddle because your scared of little germs you can't be part of our family” Louis stated and everyone laughs but Zayn who was still feeling intimidated and small by this group he is supposedly now apart of. Zayn can't be in their family. Zayn can't have another family. He doesn't even remember how it feels to have a proper family anymore and he doesn't want to remember because what if it feels nice? What if he likes it? He might fuck everything up again and be left alone.

Zayn's confused as hell and he hates it. These people don’t even know him yet their being so kind, with the exception of Louis but don’t they hate the way Zayn’s skin is darker then theirs? Didn’t they think he was a paki freak like everyone else? Or even a pathetic terrorist and a waste of space? Don’t they want to push and hit him? Hurt him like they did? Why are they so welcoming. Zayn’s getting rather annoyed. He’s not lovable. Not since….

Not since it happened.

“Zayn? Zayn are you okay?” Someone touches his shoulder pulling him from his thoughts and as soon as he feels the contact his heart races, his palms sweat and he’s thinking _'It’s about time'_ and before Zayn could stop himself, he’s backing away and shouting

“Don’t hurt me!”

Then his back is hitting the wall and he’s sliding down until his bum is hitting the floor and he’s burying his face into his hands and bring his knees to his chest. He’s not crying. He doesn’t cry but he’s scared as hell and he wishes he never came to this fucking shop.

“Oh god, no… no Zayn, nobody is going to hurt you.” Zayn's can't recognize the voice because the only thing he can think of is to protect his head in hopes he won't get another concussion. He keeps his face in his hands, refusing to look up incase they want to catch him off guard and land one right in the face.

Liam crouches in front of Zayn and lifts his hand but Harry’s telling him it’s not a good idea so Liam’s standing again and Harry’s making his way over to Zayn and taking Liam's old spot.

“Zayn, it’s only me, Harry. Come on” This time when Zayn feels the contact he knows its not meant in harm and he’s accepting the help. “Why would you think we were going to hurt you Z?” Harry asked once their standing again and when Zayn looked up he saw four pairs of eyes on him and four shocked facial expressions. The embarrassment is overwhelming and all he wants to do is hide and maybe have a good cry but Zayn Malik does not cry.

“S-sorry I… I was just surprised. Don’t we have to work or something” Zayn changed the subject and looked at Harry with desperate eyes and hoped Harry got the hint. He did.

“ugh yeah we do." Harry says with furrowed eyebrows. He's looking at Zayn like he's trying to figure something out. "Liam? Could you get Zayn one of the uniform shirts in the back?” Liam nodded and before he turned he gave Zayn one last look then left to the back. Louis and Harry shared a look and then Louis Is telling Niall they’ll get some muffins and Niall didn’t even question as he ran to the counter.

“I’m sorry Harry, I really am. Oh god, they probably hate me now. I’m trying to fight it, I really am but it’s hard. It’s only been a week since everything and just…” Zayn stops himself finally realizing what he’s saying. He’s only met the guy yesterday and he’s already saying to much. He thought he’d at least last a little longer before they got to him. He overestimated his self control.

“A week since what Zayn? What happen a weak ago?” Harry prods Zayn but Zayn shakes his head and backs up. “Nothing Harry. Another time, yeah?” but before Harry could respond Liam arrived with a beige color short sleeve and is offering it to Zayn with a kind smile.

“Thanks” Zayn muttered and Liam told him where the bathroom was so he could change in private.

“Why’d he freak like that?” Zayn heard Liam whisper. “I’m not sure but something’s going on” He heard Harry whisper back and Zayn wanted to punch a wall. These strangers… these kind strangers can’t find out his past. They’ll hate him for what he did and they’d think he was a weak for what everyone did to him. They’d think he was pathetic. They’ll hurt him like everyone else and Zayn can’t take anymore abuse. They’ll hate him more then he hates himself, if possible. Right then and there Zayn had a familiar wish, he wished he could just drop dead.

 

 

 

 

Finally, break time. The day hasn’t been to busy. Zayn’s had rude customers, picky customers and flirty customers and he’s been waiting for his half hour break since 7 o’clock this morning.

He dropped onto the couch in front of the shop and let out a long sigh. He should take a nap… yeah a nap sounds fantastic… until he felt a dip in the couch. “Hey” Someone whispered. Zayn opened his eyes and looked at Liam who was giving him a small smile. “Hi” he whispered back.

“Here” Zayn accepted the brown paper bag Liam handed him and stuck his hand inside. He pulled out a blueberry muffin that smelled so delicious his mouth watered. “Thanks. Wonder if it taste better then it smells”

“Just got out the oven. It’s nice and fresh” Liam gave him a smile encouraging, telling him to take a god damn bite already so that’s just what Zayn did.

He tried to hold it back but it was just so good and it hit in just the right places and he moaned in pleasure. He didn’t miss the way Liam's dropped and then he was smirking when Zayn blushed. “This is delicious” he complemented.

“Thanks” Zayn loved the way Liam’s smile pushed up his cheeks and crinkled his eyes. Liam’s smile is now forever engraved into Zayn’s mind. Fuck.

“Zayn will you stop moaning over there your making our customers uncomfortable.” Zayn looked over at Louis who was cleaning a table and he grabbed a pillow and tossed it over at Louis just missing when Louis dodged it.

He smirked. “Your going to fit in perfectly around here” and continued scrubbing the table clean. The words echoed in Zayn’s head. Is he actually fitting in? He’s never belonged somewhere. What is he doing right? He was feeling anxious and nervous all of a sudden and causing dubt to race through his mind. What if he messes everything up? Does something to piss everyone off or worse, they’ll realize he’s not worth their time and he’s just a worthless nobody.

“Zayn? Your doing it again” Liam sighed and looked down. Zayn broke from his trance and looked at Liam questioningly. “Doing what?”

“Your humming. You where humming earlier before you um… you know. And now your humming again. Why? If you don't mind me asking.” Liam was looking at Zayn with those puppy eyes and Zayn was sure he was doing that on purpose just so Zayn wouldn’t get annoyed or angry. It was working.

“Oh” Zayn whispered and his eyes drifted from Liam’s face down to his hands where they where playing with a loose thread in a couch pillow. “Sorry, I uh… I do that when I get anxious. Sometimes I don’t even notice it.” Zayn flushed with embarrassment.

“It’s okay. Why are you anxious?” God, why does this kid have so many questions and why is he asking Zayn them. Zayn shrugged. “Just feeling some pressure. You know, new guy…” He forces out a laugh when all he wants to do is hide under some blankets or gag himself with a dish rag.

“Well don’t worry your doing great. The guys love you” Liam placed a hand on Zayn’s knee in what he hoped was a encouraging way but the way Zayn tensed and stared at his hand as if it was burning his skin told him otherwise. He removed it.

Liam looked into Zayn’s eyes. There was something in there. Zayn’s hiding something. Liam knows. He doesn’t want to pry, doesn’t want to scare Zayn away but he’s going to find out whats going on with this kid if it kills him. He’s only known Zayn a day but he wants to know everything about him.

 

 

 

Zayn and Liam spend the rest of their break talking. Zayn found out Liam has two sisters, Nicola and Ruth and they live here in wolverhampton along with his parents. Zayn can't help but envy Liam because he has a family but he's also happy for him because it's a horrible feeling not having a family. 

He also finds out Liam's a fan of comic books (just like Zayn) and his two favorite movies are Toy Story and The Dark Knight Returns, which he admitted with a blush on his cheeks. Zayn agreed they were both great movies but that he prefers The Avengers and the two boys get absorbed into excited chatter about The Avengers 2 and the second Captain America trailor but then they're interupted. And Zayn's not the only one disappointed.

“Hey dorks, time to get back to work!” Niall called from behind the counter. “You know, for people who don’t actually work here, you and Louis sure work here a lot” Zayn calls back and Niall agrees and laughs.

“Have nothing better to do.” Niall shrugs. “Hey speak for yourself you Irish fuck! I have a life” Louis defends and Zayn thinks maybe he could get use to the bickering in this little group of theirs.

“Now get your arses to work. Harry’s father doesn’t pay you to sit around a flirt all day” Niall teases and Zayn wants to claw his eyes out until he sees Liam laugh. Liam thought this was funny? Their mad. Their all mad like a pack of mental monkeys.

“Wanker” Zayn mumbled to Niall and once again the fucking prick laughed. What is this kid? Half hyena?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah so that wasn't so bad was it? I bet your wondering what Zayn did that's so bad. You'll find out soon enough. 
> 
> Let me know what you think :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyy everyone! Thanks for all the support and love your showing me! It makes me feel all fuzzy inside! Just saying, this chapter may suck :/

Zayn’s been living with Harry for two month and the kid is going to drive Zayn mad. He leaves his clothes scattered on the floor, his trainers are tossed randomly by the door, dishes are piled in the sink and Zayn’s ready to take the dishes and throw them in Harry’s face then shove his shoes down his throat if he keeps this up.

“Zayn, I’m going to a concert with Lou and Ni tonight, probably going to stay at his. You don’t mind, yeah?” Harry walked into the living room, joining Zayn on the couch where he’s watching reruns of friends. “Course not Haz but can you maybe clean before you leave. I’m not your fucking slave in case you hadn't know”

“I know darling, I’ll make sure to clean the entire house when I get home. Would you like me to make you dinner and give you blow job too?” Zayn chuckled and shoved playfully at Harry’s arm. “Well it’s been a while, I wouldn't mind” Zayn jokes back. Harry punched his cotton clad arm softly and Zayn should have saw it coming and now their rolling around on the floor wrestling. He’s got Harry in a headlock when someone speaks.

“Well this is interesting” Zayn looks up at Louis and him and Harry de-tangle from each other laughing. “Is someone feeling left out. Does someone want some Haz daddy lovin” Harry teases and pulls Louis into a hug and kisses his face about a million and one times. “No you idiot” Louis giggles and pushes Harry off of him.

“I’m just confused because the last time I tried to wrestle with Zayn he had a fucking freak out.” Louis pouts. Zayn finally notices the two other heads in the room when they make a sound of agreement.

“I didn't freak out” Zayn rolled his eyes. Really, their over reacting. Louis snorts "You screamed and almost ran into a wall" That was fucking embarrassing and before anyone could go into detail about that day Zayn changes the subject. “So what concert are you guys going to?”

“We’re going to see Katy Perry!” Harry cheered and soon Niall and Louis joined in in happy chatter but Zayn just snorted in disapproval. “Excuse me, did you just snort at Katy Perry?” Louis gasped in shock placing a hand on his chest. Harry and Niall groaned. “Here we go” Liam said in annoyance.

“Please Zayn don’t get him started. He believes it’s impossible for anyone to not like Katy Perry. Save us the rant please.” Harry practically begged but Zayn just rolled his eyes.

“I did snort at Katy Perry. She’s is couldn't sing if her life depended on it. She’s almost as bad as Taylor swift” There was a noise of agreement in the background, Zayn’s not sure who it belongs to but he knows it’s not from Louis who is shooting daggers his way.

“Then who do you prefer Malik” Louis crossed his arms challenging. “You know the talented people like Usher, Michael Jackson, Ne-yo, Frank Ocean, Chris brown-”

“The women beater!” Louis shouted and stomped a foot on the floor. “Lou, that was in the past. Leave it there” Liam defends and Louis’ eyes look as if they’ll pop out their sockets. Zayn bites back a laugh because he kind of reminds him of a bug.

“Your taking his side! I don’t know who you are anymore Liam.” Louis sniffed. “Niall, Hazza… come we must ready ourselves for the queen” Louis stomped out the house and Harry gave Zayn an apologetic look before following his boyfriend and Niall took a bag of crisp and walked out with a “See you later” and crisps falling out his mouth.

“Did he just call Katy Perry ‘the queen’?” Zayn asked bewildered. Liam chuckled and shrugged his shoulders “Niall’s obsessed with Barack Obama and Harry use to think Taylor Swift was a saint, who could do no wrong. We don’t have very good judgment.”

“Hey Obama is a good guy” Zayn pointed out but laughed because really? Taylor a saint? In what world. Zayn started for the kitchen to clean the dishes because there's a better chance of him getting that blow job Harry jokingly offered then Harry actually doing the dishes. “But Niall has a life size cardboard cut out of him in his bedroom”

“That’s a little weird” Zayn almost doubled over him laughter because Niall really has a card board cut out of the president of the United States? and it's life size? This is a different side of Niall. “So what are your plans today?” Liam asks once they got their chuckles under control. “Don’t have any. Just ganna clean since Harry obviously doesn’t know the meaning of the word, paint my room and maybe watch some movies if there's spare time.”

“I can help if you want” Liam offers from where he’s leaning on the counter watching Zayn scrub the dishes. It kind of bothers Liam that Zayn wont roll up his sleeves to wash the dishes. Their getting all wet and a little bit of his OCD is showing.

“With what, cleaning or the painting?” Zayn asks, trying to ignore Liam's eyes that feel like their burning holes in his skin.

“Both. I’ll start cleaning the living room” Zayn offers Liam a smile as a thank you and Liam returns it. After an hour or two Zayn’s fingers feel raw from scrubbing those damn counter tops till they shone, his nose is red from sneezing and blowing a million times while dusting, his arms are tired from moping the whole fucking house and he feels filthy after cleaning that damn bathroom. He’s just tired but they still have one more job to do.

“So what color are you painting you room?” Zayn turned his head to look at Liam who was a picture of perfect. Not tired and worn out like Zayn felt. No, Liam's grinning ear to ear and there’s this glint in his eyes that Zayn can’t decipher.

“I was thinking maroon. I like maroon. Thought i'd look nice, yeah?” Zayn explained and stood up from the couch. "Yeah" Liam agrees and then there standing there just looking at each other. Hazel meeting brown in an intense staring contest and Zayn want's to look away so bad but for some reason he can't tear his eyes away. It isn't until Liam takes a step forward that Zayn gains control of his body again.

“C-come, help me with these paint cans” Zayn orders, looking away quickly and walking to the hallway closet. Liam smiles and walks over taking most of the paint cans and heading to Zayn’s room. Zayn tried not to notice the way Liam’s biceps bulged when he lifted those cans. He really did. But he really failed miserably.

Zayn doesn’t have much furniture. Only a bed, a TV hanging on the wall and a bedside table so when their emptying his room it doesn’t take to long. Putting the bed sideways in the hallway, covering the hanging TV with a light sheet to protect it from maroon and placing the bedside table in his fairly large closet. Soon the only things in his bare room are pant cans, two boys and a long white plastic tarp on the floor.

“Okay, shall we begin” Liam claps his hands and rubs them together. Zayn thinks Liam has nice hands. “We shall” Zayn agreed and begun opening the pant cans.

 

 

 

“You’re a mess” Liam giggled while looking at Zayn who has pant splashes on his clothes and streaks in his hair, probably from running his hands through it subconsciously. He looks at Liam and Liam had to hold back a laugh when he sees a stripe of pant across Zayn’s cheek, just under a light scar that Liam’s never noticed before. Zayn sticks his tongue out at Liam and he thinks it’s quite adorable.

“And your not. Why is that?” Zayn gave Liam a once over noticing the boy is completely clean. It makes him kind of angry because really? How could he not get at least a single drop of paint on himself? “Because I’m careful” Liam retorted.

“Bullshit” Zayn dunk his paint brush in one of the cans and before Liam could realize what he was doing there was maroon colored paint slipping down his nose. He gasped in surprise. “You did not just paint my nose” Liam fumed but Zayn just laughed and turned to continue painting the last wall.

“I did actually” Liam couldn't see but he was pretty sure Zayn was smirking and that kind of tempted him so Liam got his own paint covered brush and swiped it across the back of his neck and burst out laughing when Zayn faced him with a look of shock on his face. “Did you just paint my neck Payne?” Zayn looked at Liam impressed. He didn't think Liam had it in him to fight back.

“I did actually” Liam mocked. And that’s how it happened. Zayn’s splashing paint in Liam's hair and on his arms and Liam’s whipping his brush at Zayn getting paint on his stomach and legs. When Zayn swipes Liam's mouth with paint Liam grabs his both his wrists to keep the brush away from him but Zayn's putting up a fight... or more like struggle to break loose. "L-lemme go" Zayn demands but Liam ignores him. "Leeeyum!" he wines but there's a laugh threatening to break loose. "No! I'm winning!"

Zayn's almost free when Liam pushes his foot behind his knee and sends Zayn falling to the floor and now Liam has Zayn pined on the ground. He sticks Zayn’s arm’s stuck under his legs so he can't fight back and watches Zayn squirm to get free. The boy is powerless and Liam’s just laughing and painting maroon colored circles on Zayn’s cheeks. “Will you get your fat bum off of me!” Zayn demands and shakes his head side to side trying to get away from the brush but only making Liam's stomach pain from all his laughing.

“Urg, Liam! I think you got paint in my eye!” Zayn yelled while trying to open his eye but every time he does it hurts and it’s getting him frustrated. “Okay relax, let me check” Liam's fits of laughter fades away until he can finally breath properly. He drops his brush to the side and helps Zayn open his eye. “It’s only an eyelash, mate”

“Well get it out already” Zayn demands. Liam rolls his eyes and bends down towards Zayn’s face to get a better look and when Liam blows in his eye Zayn freezes almost immediately. "T-there" Liam stutters when the pain is gone and replaced with relief. The lash is out and he’s half expecting Liam to climb off him or to continue decorating him face with circles but the extra weight never leaves his body. When he blinks a few times so his eyes could adjust and the blurriness is gone, his orbs meet Liam’s Liam's and his face that’s still so close. Liam’s eyes are flickering from Zayn’s eyes to his lips and Zayn’s surprised his heart hasn't leaped out his chest yet and just when Liam is leaning in…

“My my, what do we have here?” Zayn hears someone say and he recognizes the voice the second it reaches his ears. Louis. Fuck. Liam scrambles off Zayn and stands up clearing his throat. Zayn tries not to feel disappointed but he’s angry at Louis for interrupting and when he’s standing up he has half a mind to lunge forward and attack that damn pixie boy.

He’s annoyed and confused and all Zayn wants to do right now is paint his feelings, take a much needed shower and get the hell to bed because now he’s feeling all kinds of stressed.

“What are you - oh Zayn you finally painted your room” Harry appears at the door and looks at the walls smiling. “Looks good but… why are you guys covered in paint?” Zayn groans while scratching at his face, pieces of the cracked circles chipping off and falling to the floor.

“Hey Liam, can you drive me to me flat?” Niall appears and then he’s giving Zayn and Liam a weird look and when he’s about to ask what Zayn know's he's thinking, Liam interrupts. “Yeah sure Ni” Liam walks towards the door and says his goodbyes to Louis, Harry and an awkward bye to Zayn. Once Liam and Niall are gone, just as Zayn expected, Louis starts giving Zayn shit.

“Aw is somebody upset? Does somebody still want a kiss” Louis teases and plants a kiss to Zayn’s cheek making him tense but everyone’s getting use to his freak outs by now. Zayn wipes his cheek and shoots Louis a glare.

“Oh, is not my lips you wish upon your cheek, my dear Juliet? Is it another you are longing for?” Louis cries out dramatically with a smirk playing at his lips. Zayn has to summon all his power not to smile because Louis is corny and he’s becoming quite fond of this kid even if he overly exaggerates every situation.

“Shut it Lou” Zayn picks up his brush and swipes long strides of maroon on the white part of the wall. He’s almost finished and then he’ll be up for the rest of the night creating his designs. “Do I not satisfy you anymore babe?” Louis pulls out his best hurt eyes and Zayn refuses to look at him.

“What are you going on about Louis?” Harry asks fully entering the room now. “I found our little Zaynie here on the floor with another man.” Louis explained with mock hurt.

“Will you leave?” Zayn more like demands instead of questions and Louis sticks his tongue out. “Fine, I know when I’m not wanted.” Louis spins towards the door and takes a few steps before looking at Harry and commanding him to follow with his eyes. “Harold?”

“Go on without me. I’ll follow soon” Louis huffed and walked out the room and Zayn tried not to feel bad. Louis was just being a drama queen.

“So care to explain what Louis is going on about, love?” Harry asks sitting criss cross on the floor, looking at Zayn. Zayn sighs and drops his brush. If there’s anyone he can talk to about this, it’s Harry. They've grown very close in the last two month, he’s the closest thing to a best mate Zayn has ever had but no matter how close they become Zayn will never tell Harry about his past. He wont ever tell anyone. His past is forever hidden in that part of his memory that no one can reach. It’s staying that way.

“Stop humming” Harry ordered but not in a bossy way, if Zayn dares he’d say there was a hint of fondness in Harry’s voice. He scuffs at himself. Zayn’s unlovable. “Sorry” he apologizes.

“Don't apologize. You have a wonderful voice but we’re talking right now.” Zayn sighs. He knows he’s has a fairly good voice but he’s not wonderful. Not in the least bit. Harry frowns a bit and pulls Zayn down to sit with him. Zayn rests his head on his shoulder and Harry strokes his hair. “Speak to daddy”

Zayn sighs for the umpteenth time. “I think I… uh. I know I… urg” Zayn groans, unable to put together his words but Harry just makes an encouraging sound and Zayn’s trying again to speak. “I’m just confused and I think I may… um… like L-Liam.” Zayn sighs and he knows he sounds pathetic.

Harry doesn’t say anything and Zayn squeezes his eyes shut and prepares for some kind of physical contact. Zayn knows Harry wont hit him but it's kind of like a reaction and he still has that nagging voice in his head telling him his pain isn't over yet.

To be honest, Zayn's still scared the boys will leave him.

when Zayn's old foster parents found out he liked boys they beat him till he couldn't remember his name and starved him till he was sure his insides would eat themselves. That night is also the night his foster father decided to explore his own sexuality.

“Zayn? Zayn, look at me” Zayn feels Harry’s finger lift his chin and this time Zayn doesn’t flinch. He doesn’t let himself. "I kind of figure you did" Harry smiles but Zayn doesn't want him to smile. He wants him to turn on him already. Get the pain over with.

"I knew I was right. Louis owes me 10 quid" He announces triumphantly. "This is great"

"Great? This is not great Harry" He almost shrieks. Great? Has Harry finally lost it? Liam will hate him if he found out. This is horrible. And then there's that part of him that hates himself right now because he's not suppose to love, let alone have a stupid crush on anyone. It'll only end badly when they all find out what he did. They'll see him like everyone else does and he'll be back at square one. He doesn't want to be there again. "Why not?"

"Because Harry, I shouldn't like Liam. I can't like Liam!" Zayn shouts in distress. He pulls at his hair and say more to himself then to Harry, "Fuck, this is going to ruin everything"

“What are afraid of Z?” Harry questions with sad eyes and Zayn doesn’t let his own water. Instead he turns his face away and whispers “I’m not afraid of anything” Zayn stands up, grabs his brush and finishes his painting.

 

 

 

It's five in the morning and Zayn feels like shit. He couldn't stop his rampant thoughts all night. Memories of his past keep replaying in his mind. It's not a first. This happens most nights and he hates it. It fucks with his sleep and he loves his sleep more then anything. He's sad and pissed and his mind keeps drifting to back when he was younger, when his parents where alive and when they would do stuff together. The way his mum would sing him to sleep and how his dad laughed and called him 'my little man' that time he caught Zayn trying to flex his little muscles in the mirror. That became his nickname and that was the last thing his dad said to him that night. It's to much and he wants to cry because he misses them so much and the memories are so painful but he doesn't. 

And that's how he finds himself staring at a canvas, placed on an easel in the middle of his bedroom. He has charcoal on his palms and under his finger nails. He drew a black tree. Actually it's a burnt tree with ashes littering the dead grass below. The trees branches are thin and sharp and falling in different directions. Little bits still flickering with fire that he created with whites, yellows and reds and oranges. There’s an outline of a little boy, shaded in black, sitting on the floor on the left side of the tree. His knees are against his chest and his arms wrap around his legs. The boys face is directed up towards the tree but you can't see his expression. He has these wings that look broken and their grey, almost black. The details of the wings surprised Zayn. He did better then he thought.

The sky in the background is dull grey and dirty whites, no sun shine is peaking through and the bright moon is cracking because on that day it felt like his world was ending. Zayn can count on two hands the amount of times he wanted to cry while creating this.

The meaning of his drawing is obvious to himself but to anyone looking at it they’d think he was a disturbed human. He think’s maybe he should have drew something happier. Forced himself to draw a sun and a brown tree with green leaves still intact and flowers blooming and a happy little boy, maybe accompanied by his mother and father but it would just be a loud of bullshit.

Things aren't colorful and alive and intact. Things are dull and dying and broken. He doesn’t have a happy family. No, he’s alone and stuck in the past, constantly feeling guilty for what he did. His home is debris and his family is gone. He’s alone like that little boy and he feels trapped in his own sadness.

Zayn’s doesn't plan on letting anyone see this. He's going to hide it maybe under his bed or in his closet because It’s unlike him to showcase any of his drawings and/or paintings. He has to admit this is one of his better pieces but it’s not that. This piece is so personal and it hits home (kind of literally). They wont know it but whoever sees this drawing is looking straight into Zayn. Their looking right at him. Right at his wrongs and right at his weakness. Their in his brain, searching his memories seeing his vulnerability and seeing his pain… and they wont even know it and Zayn doesn’t know how he feels about that.

Zayn knows he should forget it. It was an accident and he hates feeling so guilty about something he did in the past but he can’t avoid it no matter how much he tries. His parents are dead because something he did as a stupid child. He’s never told anyone and maybe that’s why it still haunts him, he’s never had closure but how is he suppose to tell someone he killed his parents? Well not purposely but their dead because of him and he just doesn’t want anyone to know. His parents loved him and he killed them. He’s a horrible person and he can’t be loved by anyone. He can’t love anyone and sometimes he wishes he would have died in that fire with them.

 

  
Zayn exits his room and almost comes face to mattress with his bed. He holds back a laugh because did he really forget he put his bed there?

Zayn managed to drag the bed and frame into his now dry room after he took the tarp off the floor. It was quite the struggle admittedly but it’s nothing Zayn couldn't handle himself. He would've asked Harry and Louis but he wasn't up for a bickering, overly dramatic Louis and he didn't want Harry shooting him worried looks every 5 seconds.

After bringing in his bed, Zayn uncovered the TV, pulled out the bedside table and changed into a long sleeve and some joggers. When Zayn finally finished the time was 6:15 am. He cracked a window to rid the paint smell and dropped his weight on the bed for the next 15 minutes before Harry, his human alarm clock, would barged in with all smiles and excited voices and drag him out of bed… kind of literally.

But that didn't happen.

Instead Zayn was woken when he heard a rather loud “wow” and when he opened his eyes he saw that pixie bitch full of sass and drama staring at his painting in awe. Zayn ignores the rapid beating of his heart and forces out “Lou why are you in here” because really he’s way to fucking exhausted to talk and he really doesn’t want to deal with Louis’ bullshit right now.

“Harry sent me to wake you. Did you do this?” Louis asked and Zayn shrugged even though he knew Louis wasn't looking at him. “Does it matter? Can you stop staring at it. Your making me uncomfortable” Zayn sat up and stretched his sore, aching bones before trying and failing to rub sleep out his eyes.

“Harry!” He heard Louis call and that’s when panic set in. It’s bad enough that Louis is looking at his past without knowing but now Harry’s going to see it. Harry knows Zayn better then Louis and he’s going to know that this isn't just some painting. Zayn groans and drops his face in his hands asking himself _'_ _why'_.

“What is it now Louis, did you wake- wow… who did that?” Harry gasped and walk more into the room until he was standing next to his boyfriend. “Who the hell else? Our Zaynie here did it. Harry, we have our own Da Vinci” Louis says like he's a proud parent and Zayn snorts.

“Zayn… I had know idea you could draw” Harry looked at Zayn with a look of incredulous and Zayn closed his eyes and wished they’d go away. “Yeah well” Is all Zayn said before he got up and shouldered his way around the two boys in his room to the bathroom for a much needed shower.

 

 

  
Zayn looked in the mirror at his reflection and gave himself a look of disgust. He looks terrible. The bags under his eyes are deeper and more colored then usual due to his all nighter and his eyes look absolutely dead and his skin is pale. All in all, he looks like utter shit and he wants to stay in bed all day but he can’t. Not if he plans to save enough money to get that car he’s been eyeing for a month now. He’s halfway there as of right now.

He gets a knock on the door from Harry saying everyone’s here and their cooking and for him to hurry so he can join the little family breakfast before they have to leave for work and the rest of the boys leave to uni. He jumps in the shower and he didn't spend the whole time thinking about how they consider him family and how he doesn’t deserve family again.

Except he did and now he feels worse then he looks.

Zayn climbs out the shower, pulls on light blue jeans that Zayn thinks might be getting a little to tight and reaches for a shirt but he's grabbing air not fabric. He forgot his shirt. Fuck. That's when the panic sets in. Zayn throws a towel around his shoulders hoping it gives enough coverage and spends the next 5 minutes pacing the bathroom telling himself _‘it’s okay,_   _the towel hides the scars’_ and trying the steady his breathing.

Thinking about it, Zayn comes to a realization. Harry has seen both his chest, arms and back that morning when he first woke Zayn for work. Zayn did manage to cover the majority of his scars with the tattoos that litter his chest and arms but there where a few that hadn't been hidden with ink. Harry must have seen the scars. The thought of Harry seeing the ones on his back, the ones he couldn't hide, sent more waves of panic through his body because those are the worse (besides his legs). He had to have seen but why didn't Harry say anything about them? And why did Harry complement his body if it's skin is ruined?

“Zayn if you don’t get out now Niall’s going to eat your food! The kid has no self control!” He hears Louis shout. He takes a deep breath, tightens the towel around his shoulders making sure it’s covering most of his back before opening the door. He’s not surprised when he hears Louis whistle. He expected that.

“Breakfast and a show” he shouted rather joyously. “Bless you Zayn” Zayn flipped him the bird. Harry whoops and cheers "take off the towel!" then yanks the towel from Zayn's slender fingers in a quick motion. He nearly pisses himself and scrambles to get the towel back before they see anything they shouldn't. When Zayn finally gets the towel from Harry's stubborn hands he covers himself in a heart beat but when he turns his head he catches Liam staring at him. Now Zayn’s full with anxiety, nervous as hell that Liam had notice the long, pink scars on his body. Before Zayn can look away and pretend he didn't notice Liam, their making eye contact and Zayn’s mentally choking himself because Liam’s giving him this questioning look and now he has a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach.

“I get to live with that” Harry brags and Zayn finally breaks eye contact with Liam to look at Harry and reward that comment with a glare just as deathly as the one he gave Louis. “Come on Zayn! Don't be shy. Shake it!” Niall encourages through small fits of laughter.

Zayn’s tired of being the prude so yeah he gives them a show. He pulls off his towels and pants and shakes around a bit, baring his all.

Except he didn't do that because he’s not fucking stupid.

Instead Zayn pushed away the fear and forced a smirk before replying with “Sorry, this show has been cancelled” and kinda rushed into his bedroom and dropped himself onto his bed with a mantra of _'fuckfuckfuckfuck’_ repeating in his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow so that took a turn mid chapter didn't it? All happy and laughs but then some angst thrown in there. Sorry it just kind of happened.
> 
> but anyway...
> 
> So did that suck? I had to rewrite it like a million times and edit the future chapters I already wrote because I kept messing up and had to keep changing things because I fucked up last chapter. I hope everything made sense though and certain things will be explain in the future. Let me know what you think :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quick question: should I start writing in other povs? The only other people i'd do would be Liam and maybe... just maybe, Harry. Let me no.
> 
> and sorry if this sucks. I'm not the best writer but i try...

It’s been two weeks since the whole painting incident between Liam and Zayn. They act as if it had never happened but Zayn wishes one of them would bring it up… He isn’t planning on being the one to do so.

Zayn hasn't been feeling all that well these past weeks because he’s lying to his friends. He knows their all dying to know more about him because when they talk about their families they all give Zayn these looks like their waiting for him to talk about his parents or his siblings (which he once did have a sister but that’s a different story) but Zayn doesn’t say anything. Just sits still and listens, never making eye contact with any of them.

He’s just waiting for someone to crack and tell him either he opens up or they kick him out because they can’t hang out with someone who could possibly be a psycho killer but that hasn’t happened yet. Their still treating him like a normal person but he's not sure if he's relieved or angry by that.

Louis has been begging, no harassing Zayn to do a portrait of him saying something like “Think about it Zayn, with your skills and my beautiful, captivating face, we can create the next Mona Lisa” but Zayn has rejected him each and every time. He’s not going to waste unnecessary hours staring at Louis even if by some fucking miracle his portrait does become world famous which only has like a 2% chance of actually happening.

Louis is going on, still trying to convince Zayn to paint him but he’s ignoring him, pretending his presence is not known and preparing a regulars coffee when the chimes on the door sound. He turns around to see who it is and nearly drops the coffee when he sees who it is. Looks like he was right.

“Um excuse me? Zayn, can I have my coffee?” The regular asks. Zayn gives her an apologetic smile and hands her the foam cup with the name “Styles” wrote across in bold green letters. Zayn nearly collides with Liam when he’s trying to make a run for the staffs lounge in order to hide but Liam puts a hand on his shoulder before they can come chest to chest.

“Hey Z, what’s the rush?” He asks but the only thing Zayn could think of was to get the hell out of the place before…

“Hey Zayn! Is that you?” A male voice calls, drawing the attention of his friends. They share looks and keep their attention drawn to the new kid. Harry walks to the counter where their gathered and Zayn’s wondering if he runs to the door right now if anyone will notice or try to stop him.

“Danny… hey mate, how are you” Zayn says with little enthusiasm. He rubs his neck and walks to the counter where his old friend and new friends were gathered. Danny pulls Zayn into an awkward, on Zayn’s part, hug due to the fact that a counter was between them. When they pull apart he sees Harry giving him and Danny a look like he was trying to find the connection between the too.

 _Is this really happening? Great, fucking brilliant!_ Zayn shouts in his head. Does the world want to fuck him over by throwing his past in his face in front of his new friends… because it will work. He was never suppose to see Danny again and this is possibly going to ruin everything.

“I’m bloody fantastic! I’m working our old corner right now but decided to take a break. Everyone’s asking about you, we haven’t seen you since…”

“Zayn who is this?” Liam asks, standing next to Zayn and cutting Danny off and thank god because if Danny finished that sentence Zayn would have had to kick him in the balls and run for the hills.

Liam raises an eyebrow when Zayn hesitates to answer but what the hell, he doesn’t know why this is happening and Liam’s giving Danny these looks that would scare Zayn shitless if he was in the boys position. He doesn’t know what to make of any of this.

“Uh… Lads this is Danny, an old friend. Danny this is Harry, Louis, Niall and Liam” Zayn introduced, pointing to each boy and he’s thanking whoever’s up there that he didn’t stutter or squeak. Danny shakes hands with each of them.

“How do you know Zayn?” Louis asks, crossing his arms and looking at Danny questioningly. Zayn’s planning on grabbing Danny and pulling him out the store, maybe lock him out so he can’t get back in or maybe push him in front of a car. He’s not sure, he’ll probably just go with whatever feels right at the moment. “We went to secondary school together back in Bradford.” Danny begins and it takes everything in Zayn power not to scream.

"Bradford huh?" Louis mutters, nodding his head.

“We use to be best mates when we were in the same home but this bugger always stirred up trouble and got his arse transferred to another home in a different town because he thought I was a great idea to spike the drinks at dinner.” Danny laughs and pats Zayn on the shoulder. Zayn probably looks how he feels right now, absolutely mortified.

Zayn looks around at the boys and their faces are the picture of shocked and confused and suddenly he’s overwhelmed with the stares and he’s upset and he just needs to get Danny out of here before he says anything else that could possible ruin everything for him. Zayn pushes past Niall to get around the counter, grabs Danny’s arm and heads to the bathrooms with him in tow. He ignores four pair of eyes he knows are trained to his every movement.

“What the hell are you doing here” Zayn half shouts once their behind closed doors. Danny looks at him innocently and Zayn knows he doesn’t know what he did wrong and he shouldn’t be angry with him but he is. He's fucking furious.

“One of our boys told me they thought they saw you working here one day so I thought I’d came here and see for myself. I... we miss you, Zayn” Danny says so sincere and child like and it makes Zayn wants to ring his neck and hug him at the same time.

“I missed you guys too but look D, you can’t just come in here and tell everyone I lived in a foster home. They don’t know. I never wanted them to know” Zayn lets out an exhausted breath and runs a hand through his hair before looking back up at Danny. He needs a fag.

“Shit, I’m sorry. Fuck man, I messed everything up didn’t I?” Danny looks so guilty but that’s not what Zayn wanted so he sighs and says “It’s not your fault. You didn’t know. I guess they had to find out sometime yeah?” Zayn gives a weak smile but Danny still frowns.

“Really D, it’s okay. Come on, lets go have a smoke and catch up. You can even take me to see the boys. I really have missed them” Danny’s face lights up and he nods his head in agreement. They leave the bathroom and when Zayn looks , the boys are still in the same spot chatting.

“Haz, I’m ganna take my break early, yeah?” They all look at him. Harry raises his eyebrow. “Yeah but can we talk later?” He asks in a way that makes Zayn nervous and fidget in place. Zayn just nods and everyone looks away but Liam who’s still eyeing them. Danny feel uncomfortable because he’s pushing Zayn towards the door and Zayn can tell he wants to get the hell out of there almost as much as he wants too.

 

 

 

 

When Zayn comes back from his break no one says anything about what happen. They treat him as if the previous event hadn’t took place and he’s thankful for that but it also gives him anxiety and he’s scared to go home after work because who knows what will happens then.

When Zayn’s shift ends he’s anxiously shaking his leg in the back of Harry’s car with the rest of the boys and if he’s humming his own tune, nobody questions him about it.

The panic really sets in after Zayn exit’s the bathroom after a shower (not in a towel this time but dressed in some joggers and a white long sleeve with a few unbottoned buttons in the front) and the boys are sitting on the couch looking at him like they’ve been waiting for him this whole time.

“Um why are you lot sitting there like that?” Zayn hesitantly walks over and sits on the recliner that usually Niall occupies but isn’t this time. He tries to read Harry’s face but it’s blank, no trace of emotion.

“We want to talk to you about something” Harry answers and Zayn’s heart starts to race. He looks at Liam who gives him a small smile. Okay, so it doesn't look like their mad at him. He looks back at Harry. “Okay… go on”

“Why didn’t you tell us you lived in a foster home?” That’s Niall for you, getting straight to the point. That could be both good and back. Zayn’s palms sweat he just shrugs and taps his fingers on his knee. “I uh… I didn’t think It was inportant” Zayn responeds.

“Whatt? Don’t you think that’s a little important. I mean you don’t have parents”

“Niall!” Louis hits Niall’s arm and Niall looks at Zayn with guilt coating his face. “Oh fuck, sorry Zayn I-” but Zayn cuts him off.

“It’s okay Niall. It’s true, I don’t have parents. Your not saying anything that I don’t already know. So, are we done here?” Zayn asks desperately. He really doesn’t want to be talking about this right now. He can feel a bump in his throat already just thinking about them and how they’d be so disappointed in the man he is today.

“What happen to them?… I-if you don’t mind me asking” Liam hesitated. Zayn really, really wants to leave right now. “I do mind!” he snaps and when Liam’s face fell and he looked like a kicked puppy Zayn felt like the most terrible person alive. He doesn't want ro be the reason for that frown on Liam's face.

“Shit, I’m sorry Liam. I didn’t mean to snap like that. I just… I don’t want to talk about it” he explained, looking down at his hands and wishing the ground would swallow him whole because he's embarrassed and sadness is surging through his veins, making him want to crawl into a ball. He didn’t want his mind to race like it is. This thoughts are full of doubt and guilt and Zayn's not really liking himself right now. He doesn't want to live like this, with no family and friends who could leave him at the drop of a dime, no real job and forever living wallowed in his guilt.

Zayn lifts himself from the seat and turns to drag himself to his room when a hand touches his shoulder and he almost screams but instead he tenses his muscles and grits his teeth. Zayn’s chest is heaving up and down and his hands are trembling and his arms are guarding his head in protection mode.

“Zayn, relax it’s just me, Liam” Zayn drops his arms and opens his eyes, relaxing into Liam’s arms that wrap around his shoulders . He doesn’t know why he still reacts this way. He knows his foster parents aren’t here and they can’t hurt him. He knows the boys wont hit him like those kids use too but he’s still so scared and he’ll only ever admit that to himself.

“Yeah, yeah. I know. I just… I don’t” Zayn pauses, lets out a shuddered breath “I’m sorry. I… just, I’m sorry” then he’s easing out of Liam’s grip and escaping into his room. He’s not a big fan of being in his room alone. Never was. He feels like he has to constantly look over his shoulder or peak open his eyes at night to glance around his room. The boys questioned him about his night light and teased him endlessly but the night light makes him feel at least a little safe. He crawls into bed and under his covers waiting for sleep to overcome him.

  
Never does.

 

Zayn get’s out of bed an hour later with the overwhelming urge to draw so he searches for his sketch book then an old photograph and sketches his mom. Her long wavy hair, her big round eyes. He draws the soft angles of her face and the roundness of her nose, trying to do her justice but he’s not sure if he can ever do so. She’s to beautiful to perfect.

Zayn has to blink his eyes a few trillion times to hold back the tears and his hands tremble and he has to erase more then a few times when he fucks up a straight line.

Zayn wishes he could draw his father but he can’t picture his face and he doesn’t have a photo to remember him by. All Zayn remembers of his father was his sharp bones structure, that Zayn must have inherited from him and how he had these strong arms unlike Zayn, who was more like bones and toned muscle. His father was a big teddy bear really and Zayn wishes he could remember how his hugs felt but he doesn’t and that hurts more then he’s willing to admit.

When Zayn puts the sketch book away and strips off his clothes to be more comfortable. He plugs in his ear buds and crawls into bed again. He misses the knock on the door and when someone pulls out his ear bud his heart stops and he forgets how to feel until he realizes it’s only Liam who’s rubbing those soothing circles on his bare back. Zayn’s thankful his nightlight doesn’t shed to much light and he’s praying to whoever’s out there that Liam’s hands wont come in contact with the thin lumps scattered on his back. Those horribly healed scars that decorate and bulge out his skin a little.

“Sorry, I tried not to scare you” Liam smiles innocently and continues to rub his back. It feels really nice and Zayn doesn’t want it to end but then again he’s begging him to stop. “Don’t worry, my heart only stopped for a minute” Zayn jokes and sits up a little. Liam laughs and suddenly Zayn’s not feeling so sad anymore but he can’t fight off the guilty feeling he has. He doesn’t like that Liam has to worry about scaring Zayn because he has to freak out about every little touch even when there as gentle as Liam’s.

“Yeah because your heart isn’t a vital or anything” Liam shrugs and now Zayn laughs. It gets quiet after that and Liam stops rubbing his back. Zayn tries not to notice how his body goes cold but then Liam’s kicking off his trainers and joining Zayn up the bed and his skin feels hot.

“I didn’t think you guys where still here” Zayn speaks after a few beats of silence. It wasn’t awkward silence but it was the kind of silence that could get Zayn sucked back into his thoughts and he didn’t want that. He wants Liam to distract him. “Actually everyone else left to a club. They were going to invite you but they didn’t think you’d be up for it”

“Oh, why are you here though?” Zayn asked hoping Liam wouldn’t take it the wrong way and think Zayn wanted him to leave. That’s the last thing Zayn wants. “Well I didn’t want to leave you here alone so I thought I’d stay here for a while.” Zayn doesn’t miss the way Liam blushed a little and he felt a sense of pride knowing he could make Liam blush. “I’m not a child Liam” Zayn snorts but he smiles so Liam knows he only means it as a joke.

“Are you sure? Just yesterday you and Niall drew dicks on Louis’ forehead with permanent marker while he slept. I can still see the outlines.” Zayn laughed at the memory. He still remembers how he almost pissed himself after him and Niall locked themselves in his room to escape Louis' wrath. Louis didn’t stop hammering the door sith his fist until Harry showed up and calmed him 3 hours later.

“Well, serves him right. He and Harry are rather loud in bed. Keeps me up most nights. He’s lucky I didn't ring his neck. He’s a screamer Liam… did you know that?” Zayn shivers, recalling one of the many memories that haunt his dreams. “I can’t say I did but now I do and I’m feeling rather disturbed ” Liam shudders.

“What are you listening too” Liam asked pointing to Zayn’s long forgotten ear buds a few moments later. “I’m not sure” Zayn answers and grabs one of the ear buds to see what’s playing. Liam grabs the other ear bud and puts it in his ear. “I love JT” He whispers and Zayn makes a sound of agreement. They sit there listening to both old and new sounds by JT and after it switches to random sounds by some of Zayn’s favorite artist. Zayn’s a little nervous that Liam wont like his music but Liam’s nodding his head to some songs and tapping his fingers to others and Zayn stops worrying.

After a while his eyes begin to fall shut but he’s jolted awake when he feels shifting on the bed. “You can stay if you want” Zayn mumbles when he sees Liam toeing on his shoes. His eyes are falling shut again and he’s trying so hard to make sure his words are coherent. “Okay” Zayn hears and then he’s hearing what he thinks are clothes hitting the floor and then the bed is dipping in again and Zayn is turning on his side to face Liam who’s climbing now under the covers.

He manages to keep his eyes open because Liam’s in his bed and their facing each other, staring into the others eyes and Zayn really doesn’t want to break this moment but he’s so tired and Liam’s carding his fingers through his hair and telling him to sleep. Zayn scoots closer, hopes Liam wont get weirded out and he closes his eyes, finally surrendering to sleep. Liam’s comes even closer and wraps his other arm around Zayn’s waist and he’s in bliss.

 

 

 

 

  
When Zayn wakes the next morning to the sound of birds singing and the sun streaming through his blinds, he wonders why his bed feels harder then before but then he feels skin under his fingertips and it all comes rushing back. His head is on Liam’s chest and his arm is around his waist and as much as he wants to stay like this forever his bladder is being a little bitch so he slowly and carefully removes Liam’s arm from where it’s resting on his back and eases his way out of the bed. He stretches his arms and lets out a small yawn.

Zayn quickly realizes his current state. He’s bare standing in his briefs, revealing his whole body which isn’t settling in his stomach well. Fully aware Liam could wake any second Zayn rushed to pull on a hoodie and joggers to cover his body so Liam won’t see anything he's not suppose to see. He tries to ignore the screaming match going on in his head. A voice calling him pathetically stupid and a complete moron because he was bare in bed with Liam, exposing himself and all the secrets that cover his body.

Zayn has yet to bare his back and chest (except for that one accident with Harry ripping his towel off his shoulders) or be seen in shorts around any of the boys. The scars are still very visible and noticeable almost immediately. Especially on his legs, his old foster parent’s favorite place to attack.

Zayn hopes the scars will eventually retreat from his body but the whips had thrashed deep into his skin on many occasions and he knows they’ll never fade. It truly frightens him to the core because it’s mid April and soon enough the warm weather will arrive again leaving him the choice of either dressing appropriate for the heat and reveal his secrets or die from heat stroke in a jumper and long jeans.

“Cute bed head” says a sleepy voice, pulling Zayn from his thoughts. A smile spreads across his lips and he turns around to see the most adorable sight. “Well I can say the same to you” and it’s true. The light streaming from the window makes Liam look like he's glowing and he's pretty sure it's almost impossible to look that good in the morning.

Zayn starts for the door, fighting the urge to go back and cuddle with that beautiful creature in his bed. “Where’ya going?” Liam asks followed by a yawn.

“The loo.” and then Liam’s saying something like ‘hurry back’ he thinks but he’s already out the door so he's not positive. He’s not positive about anything. Zayn’s half sure he’s imagining this whole thing. He’s going to go back in there and Liam’s going to be gone and the bed is going to be cold because he was never there in the first place. Zayn’s going to lay back in bed alone with his thoughts again because there is no possible way Liam will ever be interested in Zayn. Zayn’s unlovable. His many foster parents and all those kids who bullied him proved that to him a long time ago. Zayn killed the only two people who ever truly loved him.

He’s scared to lay back in bed with Liam because what if while Zayn was gone Liam came to his senses and regrets ever laying in bed with him. What if Liam sees he’s not a good person and realizes he's not worth it then tells that to him before leaving. Zayn really likes Liam and he’s not sure if he can deal with the reality of those words coming out his mouth but when he’s back in his room, Liam’s still there. He’s still laying under the covers and his eyes are closed but he’s smiling a little and Zayn has to remember to breathe damn it.

“Are you just going to stand there and stare or are you going to lay down with me?” Liam pops an eye open and pats the spot next to him. Zayn holds back a smile and pads his way to the bed, climbing under the blankets and Liam’s pulling him close to his body. Zayn’s never felt more content in someone’s arms. “Zayn, can I make a request?” Zayn grumbles a groggy ‘whatever’. Sleep is overcoming him again but what comes out Liam’s mouth wakes him up completely.

“Tell me about your yourself?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry i took long to update though i'm sure u guys forgot about this story lol
> 
> anyway, leave some feedback :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I know, what took so long... sorry was a chicken shit about posting this chapter. I must have re wrote it like 10 times until I finally gave up and settled with this shit. I hope I don't disappoint to much.

Liam sounds like a child, his voice quiet and innocent. Zayn sits up to fast, causing his vision to blur slightly and Liam flinches. He takes a moment to process Liam’s words and come up with something to answer his question. “There’s nothing to tell.” He says, hoping Liam will take the answer.

“Yes, there is. I mean, after finding out you lived in a foster house, we’ve all begun to wonder what else you’ve been keeping a secret.” Zayn looks at Liam with wide eyes and his fist are balling the sheets. He can hear heart beating in his ears. “Your like a big mystery to us.”

“Liam, I-I don‘t have any other secrets. Your all just… over thinking things.” Zayn accuses, looking at anything else but Liam because he hates lying to someones face. He nibbles on his lip nervously when Liam gives him a don’t-bullshit-me look.

“Sorry but those… scars tell me otherwise.” he says, eyes falling on Zayn’s body. He feels uncomfortable under the gaze though it’s not like Liam can see anything since Zayn’s fully clothed but It’s still unnerving knowing Liam did noticed the flaws. Zayn has a mantra of _Fucks_ repeating in his mind. He's pretty sure he's screwed.

“Liam” He chokes out because there’s a lump in his throat and he kind of forgot to breath. “I… uh… I would really rather n-not talk about it” He forces out. He feels like this is where it’s going to go down hill, where Liam’s going to loose his patience and leave, forgetting Zayn and their friendship will crumble all because Zayn’s being a complicated prick.

“Zayn, you can tell me. It’s just… we really want to know what’s going on with you. Whatever you say wont change how we think of you, promise.” after a few beats of silence Liam’s sighing and squeezing his eyes, frustration growing. “I’m not asking you to describe your birth, just...” He cuts off with another sigh. He didn’t yell but he catches Zayn off guard, causing his breath to hitch.

“Sorry.” Liam apologizes, his face falling from guilt. “You can trust me, Zayn. I won’t even tell the lads anything if you don’t want me too” Liam bargains. Zayn doesn’t consider his offer, doesn’t even consider considering it.

“You trust me, yeah?” and Zayn want’s to shake his head and scream because honest to god, he does not know. He doesn’t have trust issues, he swears, he’s just not the type to put his information out there or wear his heart on his sleeve. Zayn isn't the type to take those risks because it can turn around on him and bite him in the arse.

“Liam…” Zayn breaths out because that’s all he can say. “How about you start off with something simple.” Liam suggest and that kind pokes Zayn in the wrong place because fuck what’s simple in his life?

“No Liam… just no. I can’t. Nothing is simple. Everything’s fucked up and I just- I can’t… no… I refuse to talk about it.” he snaps and tugs on his tangled hair frustratedly. He knows he’s being difficult and he’s keeping his walls impenetrable but hell, he’s put in to much blood and sweat in building those walls to just let them fall so easily, specially for someone as innocent and kind as Liam.

“You know we won’t judge you. Ever. Hell, we all love you and whatever it is your keeping from us isn’t going to change that. You can trust us. We’re all family here.” Liam offers a weak smile, looking a bit worn out from the conversation. Zayn snorts and there’s a humorless smile on his lips.

“No.” He doesn’t specify what the no is directed to because it’s addressed to everything Liam has said to him. Just No. Zayn’s eyes sting and right now he kind of hates this sweet, innocent, clueless boy who’s heart is to big for his own good.

Zayn’s not only keeping secrets for him but also for Liam’s benefit as well. He refuses to be the one to tarnish Liam’s view on the world because of Zayn’s unfortunate past. He'll protect Liam from the truth because someone as pure as Liam shouldn’t be exposed to the bad side of humanity.

“Why?” Liam asks softly. His chocolate brown eyes hold sincerity and genuine care, they almost burn deep into Zayn’s core. He doesn’t deserve it. He mutters a “because” and lays back down but with his back to the boy in his bed who will be heartbroken if he knew the truth.

Liam mutters something but Instead of asking him to repeat the words, Zayn closes his eyes and pretends to have fallen asleep. He tries to ignore the sinking feelings in his stomach when there’s shuffling in the bed because, there it is. This is where Liam gives up on him, leaves, disappears because Zayn’s being stubborn and a right brat if you ask anyone else but then instead he feels fingers threading through his hair and a soft “Ok.” breaks the newfound tension in the room.

Zayn falls into the touch even though he would love to yell at Liam for simply existing and ask him why the hell does he even care when nobody has ever cared before. He can't help but feel bad though because Liam is only curious and Zayn’s being a arsehole but he only hopes Liam understands.

Zayn doesn't think he'll ever tell the boys even if a part of him tells him it might be a good idea. He can't risk loosing them because if he stops for a second, he can actually admit that this little ‘family’ is the best thing to happen to Zayn in a long time. Their the only people he has except for ‘her’ but they haven’t talked in a while.

Liam begins to hum a tune. Zayn can’t figure out what song it is but it’s soothing and even though his mind is chewing him out because he shouldn’t be letting Liam do this to him, he closes his eyes again and listens intently to the soft hum.

After a while he finally falls into a restless sleep that consist of dreadful nightmares but they’d probably be worse if Liam wasn’t with him.

 

 

  
When Zayn wakes up, he’s in bed alone, clutching a pillow and pooled in his own sweat. There's a dull pounding in his head and his cheeks are slightly wet. This wouldn't be the first time he woke from a nightmare like this and he's come to find out that sometimes he cries in his sleep. It pisses him off really but he can't do anything about it when his foster parents are tormenting him in his sleep. He feels sticky and disgusting and settles on the pleasant idea of a shower. He sits up only to feel the throbing in his forehead sharpen. “Shit.” He hisses, rubbing his temples to rid himself from the stabbing feeling but it does little to sooth his pain.

Zayn grabs a change of clothes, socks and his glasses and quickly sneaks out his room, down the hall and into the bathroom, going unnoticed by Niall and Harry playing FIFA on the couch and Liam and Louis who are watching in amusement. Liam's trying to settle the banter between Niall and Harry but it looks like he's going to give up soon.

“It’s only a game!”

“Harry it’s not nice to call Niall a cheating Irish twat!”

“Niall, play fair and stop tugging on Harry’s curls!”

"Oh, why do I bother with you two!"

Zayn bites back a laugh and slides into the bathroom to strip himself from his sweaty clothes and take a much needed shower. He spends his time mindlessly scrubbing his body and hair because all he can think about are plump lips and bulky arms, broad shoulders and toned abs but he refuses to satisfy himself to those thoughts because _fuck_ Liam's his friend and he will not disrespect their friendship like that no matter how much he wants to.

Zayn steps out of the shower, towel drying and dressing into tan chinos, a white v-neck that reveals a bit of his lips and wings tattoo on his chest and a light red jean jacket that he rolls to just bellow his elbow. He stands in front of the mirror and styles his hair into a tall quiff and puts on his glasses when he's finished. After deeming himself decent enough to look at, Zayn slips out the door and into the living room.

The four boys are sitting practically on top of each other in front of the TV, arguing over who gets the next turn when Zayn first enters. He takes a moment to take in the view in front of him. Niall is reaching over Harry trying to get the controller but Harry’s leaning back and stretching his arm backwards and using the other to push Niall’s hands away. Louis is tugging on Niall’s waist, trying to pry the boy off of Harry while yelling “Get off my boyfriend before I cut off your dick a feed it to pigeons!” he accompanies his shouts with some very explicit and creative curses that Zayn mentally jots down for future usage.

Liam on the other hand is completely calm, sitting back and watching the scene before him. Zayn can imagine the moment Liam rose his white flag and gave up on settling the three of them because a fucking stampede of elephants and rhinos can run through the living room and it would go unnoticed to them.

Zayn shakes his head fondly before resting his weight on the recliner, waiting for his presence to become known. It takes a while but Louis finally pries Niall off Harry, both falling onto the floor with a loud ‘thud’ but Niall's stands up quickly, holding up the controller and cheering in victory.

“Fucking prick. Liam, tell Niall It’s still my turn. He lost!” Harry whines. Liam holds his hand up and chuckles. “I’m not in this.” Harry pouts and crosses his arms causing a chuckle to escape Zayn's lips.

“Hey look who finally got his arse out the shower!” Louis announces, drawing the attention of the rest of the boys. Suddenly four pair of eyes are resting on him and he shifts awkwardly. “About time! You going to play FIFA with us?” Niall asks. Zayn shakes his head, denying the request.

“He's just afraid to loose?” Harry tests, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Harry, I never loose.” Zayn retorts, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Care to test that theory?” Harry challenges but Zayn only snorts and shakes his head again. “I don’t need to prove myself.” He claims. There’s a quiet “ooooh” from one of the boys and Harry’s snatching Niall’s controller and the other from Liam and standing up, slowly making his way to Zayn. He forces one of the controllers into Zayn’s hands, leaning in and saying “It’s on.”

“This is getting interesting.” Louis whispers and rubs his hands together. “10 quid on Zayn.” he exclaims. Harry looks at him, face falling with hurt and betrayal. Niall scuffs. “No way, Harry already got him beat.” Harry nods happily at Niall, saying thanks without actually speaking.

“You both can keep your money because I’m not playing.” Zayn states. He stands up and ignores Harry’s begging to play. “I’m going out, I’ll play later, yeah?” He says to Harry who only sighs and drops back down on the couch.

“We’re ya going?” Liam asks from his position on the couch. He shrugs. “I’m not sure, just thought I’d have a walk around. Have some alone time.” Zayn informs. He walks to the hooks next to the door, grabbing his cigarettes from his leather jacket and putting them in his pant pockets before toeing on his sneakers.

“Can we come with?” Liam asks, there’s a glimmer of hope in his eyes and Zayn would hate to deny him but don’t they understand what alone time is?

“Yeah, I’m starving! We can go to the-” Zayn hates himself for shaking his head and saying. “Alone time, mate.” Zayn pats Niall’s cheek when a frown forms on his lips. “Still love you.” He kisses Niall’s forehead before shuffling out the door and down the steps till he’s in front of the building.

It’s a lovely day out- only half past 3- the burning sun on display high in the sky, shedding warmth that makes up for the slightly chilly breeze that sends goose bumps along Zayn’s skin. He takes a right down the familiar sidewalk and pulls out his cigarettes. He gets a few disapproving stares from passing people but he only blows the smoke through his nose and continues on his path. Zayn can't wait till he can afford that red motorcycle he's been eyeing for the past month so he wont ave to walk like he is now.

He stubs his cigarette on the floor outside of an open bar with his toe and enters the place. The bar is practically empty aside from two men sitting on opposites sides of the bar who look to be drowning their sorrows in alcohol. Zayn slowly steps further into the bar and when he reaches the counter he takes a seat. He’s not sure why he’s there, he’s only 18 and thinking about it it was pretty stupid to even walk inside. He’s about to stand and leave when a girl appears from behind the counter.

“Aren’t you a little young to be in a bar?” The young girl with blonde hair and colored tips asks. She’s got this red lipstick on and these big round blue eyes that really stand out. She’s rather pretty actually.

“Aren’t you a little young to work at a bar?” He retorts because honestly, this girl doesn’t look any older then himself.

“Touché. Well played.” She smirks and Zayn grins proudly. “And I don’t work here anyway, if you must know. My father owns the place, I’m only here to open early for him. Something about a game of American football and such.” The girl explains.

“But your still passing out drinks?” Zayn questions, nodding his head in the direction of one of the men at the bar. “Should have seen the poor chap. Came here in bloody tears, I had to give him something.” The girl sympathizes. Zayn nods in understanding.

“What about this bloke?” They look at the other man on the other side. “He’s just as bad as the other. Caught his lady in bed with another man.” Zayn winces at the thought. “Brutal.” The girl nods her head in agreement.

“So why are you here? Girlfriend dump you? Needed to get away? Want to try your first beer?” Zayn comes to the conclusion that this girl doesn’t know boundaries but he can’t even force himself to feel offended. “No, actually I was about to be on my way. Don’t even know why I came in here.” Zayn chuckles but his laugh subsides when the girl’s face falls.

“Am I scaring you away? My friends tell me I tend to be a bit assertive, that I come on a little to strong sometimes.” she looks down in disappointment. Zayn quickly shakes his head, feeling guilty for making the girl-he really should find out her name- feel bad.

“No, you didn’t scare me off, honest.” Zayn gives the girl a reassuring smile and she looks up with a grin. “Ok then stay with me until my dad gets here. I don’t want to be alone with these creeps.”

“I guess I can do that.” They smile at each other but Zayn has to look away, feeling suddenly shy again. He’s still not the best with strangers but after dealing with hundreds of them on the daily because of his job, his social skills have improved greatly and he’s now discovering he can hold a decent conversation with someone other then the lads. “Brilliant but if we’re going to be friends I must know your name.”

“Zayn.” He answers.

“Perrie.” The girl -Perrie- extends her hand and Zayn shakes it. “Important question though.” Zayn nods, silently telling her to continue. “Your not some pyscho that’s going to shoot me and rob my fathers bar, correct?” Zayn laughs and shakes his head. “I can assure you those are not my intentions.”

“Good.” She says and slides a cup towards him. He looks inside and when he sniffs it-yeah he sniffed a drink- a strong sent invades his nose. He looks up with a grin. “We can keep this between us.” Perrie winks, pointing to the two drinks.

"Cheers." Zayn winks back, lifting his cup. They clink them together before downing their own beverages.

When Perrie’s father arrives a quarter after 6, the two leave to a coffee shop to further their conversation. They talk about their favorites and Perrie talks about her family. She doesn’t question Zayn when he dances around speaking about his life, she only gives him an odd look before continuing on about her mothers awful cooking and her annoying friends. Perrie’s words not his.

They’re shooed away around 10 because it’s closing time. They exchange numbers with a promise to meet up again and then go their separate ways. Zayn all but runs home because _hell_ it’s dark outside and he’s alone. When he reaches his building he walks into the elevator and waits till it arrives on his floor. Zayn walks to his door, jiggling his keys in the lock when someone opens the door.

“Bloody hell! Where the fucking fuck have you been?” Louis all but shouts, his arms crossed over his chest and eyebrows narrowed. "I.. uh-" he starts but then Louis is being shoved aside by Harry. “Shut up Lou.” Harry laughs. He reaches out and pulls Zayn inside by his arm. The door is slammed behind him and he spins around to face an angry Louis.

“I expect an explanation as to where you were at this time.” He taps his foot impatiently on the floor, a hand resting on his hip. “Ignore Louis, he just worries.” Zayn quarks an eyebrow at Harry in disbelief. “This is how he shows it.” Harry defends, offering a shrug.

“Who's there- oh Zayn!” Liam smiles and walks towards Zayn to pull him into a hug. He’s followed by Niall. "Oh we thought you died!" He cries dramatically and joins the hug. Zayn laughs but wiggles out of their arms. “You all do realize I’m an adult and can handle myself right?” Zayn questions. He puts on a serious face and pretends to be annoyed by them but honestly it’s quite nice to have people worry about you.

“Sorry, that’s not how this family works.” Liam states. Zayn rolls his eyes because he’s not part of their family, he can’t be but he keeps his mouth shut so he wont start any arguements. “See Zaynie, we need to know your whereabouts at all times so we wont worry. That's how it goes for all of us.” Louis explains, shaking his head as if Zayn should have known this.

“That’s a bit possessive don’cha think?” Zayn wonders. They all nod in agreement but don’t say anything else. Zayn tries not to smile but it's kind of cute how their possessive over eachother and now Zayn.

“So where were you exactly?” Harry asks. They all turn and walk into the living room as if on cue and take seats on the floor and couch. Zayn settles into the corner of the couch, Liam next to him, Louis and Harry sprawled out on the floor like children and Niall on the recliner. “Went to a bar. Made a friend” he tells them shrugging his shoulders because it's not really a big deal.

“Who?” Louis asks, lifting his head from the floor.

“This girl named Perrie. She quite nice, a bit pushy but we exchanged numbers and we’re going to hang out one of these days.” Zayn says nonchalantly but there’s a gasp that follows. “What?” he asks confused.

“Perrie?” Niall spits. He’s leaning forward from his spot on the recliner and looking at Zayn in disbelief.

“Yes?” Zayn drawls out, ending in a question instead of an answer.

“Don’t mind him, Niall’s just doesn't like Perrie because she rejected him 8 times before he finally gave up.” Harry explains. He pinches Niall’s cheek when he pouts. “How did you manage to score with that? She’s a tough one.” Louis wonders. Liam’s shifting in his seat next to Zayn, running a hand through his hair. Zayn takes a moment to notice how Liam’s hair has grown longer over the past few months and how he’s styling it in this cute fohawk thing. Zayn thinks it’s a good look on Liam but then again he thinks Liam looks good in anything.

He remembers he’s suppose to be answering a question after a few to many seconds of staring at Liam-who for some reason wont make eye contact with him-he turns back to look at the lads. “I didn’t score with anyone. We’re only friends.”

“Impossible. She’s to hot.” Niall states. He leans back in his seat and raises an eyebrow at Zayn.

“Niall, just because someone’s hot doesn’t mean you have to fuck them.” Louis remarks. Niall looks at him like Louis just told him the easter bunny died.

“Louis, you speak words my ears refuse to hear.” Niall crosses his arms and Louis snorts at him. “So Zayn.” Louis begins. “You and Perrie are hanging out again?” He finishes with a smirk.

“Yeah but only as friends Louis” He emphasizes because Louis is still smirking at him. Harry quirks an eyebrow. “Are you sure?” Harry wiggles his eyebrows again and really, how does he do that? Zayn's tried but he only looks stupid. Zayn groans, finally growing annoyed with all the questions.

"Yes Haz. It is possible for girls and guys to be just friends." Zayn clarifies but it only earns him smirks and shaking heads. " It's true." Liam says and Zayn shouldn't be that surprised that Liam's is agreeing with him because if anyone would understand it would be Liam.

"Aw, yes of course it is Liam." Niall winks and Liam flushes immediatly. Zayn looks between the two boys, trying to understand what Niall had done to make Liam fidget in place. 

“Well, if you all are done with the third degree, I will be heading to bed now.” He stands up and takes off towards his room with a "goodnight Zayn" and a "Have fun jerking off to Perrie!" from Louis. He turns around and give Louis a glare he wishes could kill. "Fuck off." He remarks and gives Louis the bird.

When Zayn reaches his room he closes the door behind him. He rummages his dresser for something to sleep in, deciding on a pair of sweats and a jumper. It’s growing warm in his room but he can’t take any chances and sleep bare because Harry likes to barge into his room without warning during unholy hours in the morning.

Zayn switches off his light, turning on his TV and settling into bed. He’s searching guide when there’s a knock on his door. He groans because if that’s Louis or Harry with more bloody questions he’ll have to detach their mouths and rip out their vocal cords. “Come in.” He calls, resisting the urge to lunge for the door, locking whoever it is out along with all of the rest of the outside world.

The opening door slowly reveals Liam and Zayn’s not feeling so angry at the interruption anymore.

“Were you sleeping? I’m sorry, I can go” His words are pushed together and there’s a nervousness in his voice that’s wasn’t there before. He turns to exit and Zayn feels a panic rise in his stomach. _Well that’s new_ , he thinks.

“No, don’t.” He says maybe a little to quickly, nearly jumping out of his bed and pulling Liam back in which would be quite embarrassing. He clears his throat and speaks at a more human pace. “You can stay. I wasn’t sleeping.” He tells him. Liam turns back around and there’s a smile playing at his lips but he doesn’t let it escape much to Zayn’s disappointment. He likes the way Liam’s eyes crinkle at the corners when he smiles.

Liam walks towards the bed, toeing off his shoes at the edge before climbing into Zayn’s bed and under the covers. There’s a gap between them and Zayn wants nothing more then to close it but Liam might not like that. He might be disgusted at the idea that Zayn wants to run his hands through his hair and cuddle up to him at night and kiss him any chance he can. “What are you watching?”

“Nothing right now.” He sighs, flipping through the hundreds of channels in search for something decent to watch. Liam takes the remote from Zayn’s hands and he watches as he searches through the main recordings, eventually finding a movie. “Iron man?” Zayn breathes with a pleased smile.

“Told Harry to recorded it just for you.” Zayn feels his face flush and he looks away, unable to rid the smile on his lips. Liam had Harry record Iron man just for Zayn because Zayn loves the movie and Liam fucking remembered. Zayn’s trying not to jump with glee because really, this is no big deal-plus Liam would probably look at him like he’s mental- but he feels like a 12 year old girl with a crush.

It’s after the first 15 minutes of the movie that Zayn feels his space being crowded. He looks between himself and Liam, swearing Liam wasn’t that close just a few minutes ago. They’re 26 minutes in when an arm is being wrapped around Zayn’s shoulders and Zayn’s being pulled closer to Liam. He bites his lip to fight off the huge grin that wants to push past his lips. He looks up at Liam but the boy isn’t looking back, only focusing on the movie.

Zayn’s feeling a little frustrated about the situation because he doesn’t know what it all means. He likes Liam, like really likes him but he’s pretty sure Liam doesn’t fancy him back but here they are sitting so close, basically cuddling in Zayn's bed. It’s confusing but then he thinks about how Louis cuddled him on the couch the other day and how Niall and Harry were cuddling at work. He’s never had friends like this. Friends who don’t know the definition of personal space, friends who are possessive and completely mad. It’s different but maybe it’s a difference he needed in his life.

Zayn’s phone rips him from his thoughts. He detangles himself from Liam reluctantly and grabs his phone from the bedside table. It’s a text from a number he doesn’t know but for some reason looks a little familiar.

_Zay, I need to speak to you ASAP! Give me ur address, I'm coming over._

It reads. Zayn looks at the words for probably five minutes trying to decide if he should text back to find out who the hell this is but then it clicks because there's only one person he knows that calls him 'Zay'. He frantically types an answer for the person on the other side and hits send.

_I’ll call you but give me a few_

_-Z x_

He’s sighs, wondering what could possibly be so important that this person is suddenly contacting him after a year of not bothering. Yes, he misses them terribly but that arguement they had, he thought they would never speak again. He nearly screams when a voice brings him back to reality because he completely forgot someone else was in the room with him.

“So, just a friend, yeah?” Liam whispers, sounding nervous and unsure. Zayn looks at Liam who’s already looking down at him and he’s confused at first but it hits him after a few seconds of racking his brain.

“Just a friend.” Zayn assures. He’s not sure why Liam needs reassurance about his and Perrie’s relationship. The only reason he can conclude would be for Niall’s benefit. Liam probably just wants to be sure because Perrie and Niall have history-if you can call that history- and he doesn’t want Niall getting hurt. It’s the only reason that makes the most sense. So Zayn adjust his position, resting his head fully on Liam’s chest and he hopes Liam doesn't freak out. He doesn’t, only wrapping an arm around his waist and when Zayn’s sure Liam has fallen asleep a little while later he sneaks out his flat and into the hallway to have a smoke and to make an important phone call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I had to add Zerrie but don't worry it's only friendship cuz that's the only way I ship them. And who is this mystery person? Hm hm hmmmm? *nudging* 
> 
> Sorry for nudging, I'm an ass lol
> 
> Oh quick announcement! (if any of you care lol) I've been working on a one shot for like two weeks now. I'm almost done and I'll be posting it eventually :D


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah yeah yeah, I no, I'm an ass. I'm sorry, it's been kind of a busy summer so far. But hey, here you go! Chapter 6 and I hope I don't disappoint. This chapter is not much really. I guess maybe it's a filler.
> 
> Oh and that one shot I said I'm working on, yeah I'm still working on it. It's a lot longer then I planned.
> 
> but yeah, enjoy. I'm going to try an put up the next chapter soon, I'm already half way done with it.

“Doniya” He breathes, a smile plastered on his lips as he envelops his sister in a hug. “Zayn” She whispers, voice sounding strained and when a tear touches the skin of his neck he finds it difficult to hold back his own.

It’s been a long time since he’s seen his sister. And yeah, nobody knows he has one. Not even his foster parents. He didn’t even know until he was twelve and received a call from a fourteen year old girl with a high pitch voice claiming to be his sister. He told here to fuck off and hung up believing it was a prank call but she only called again and explained the situation. She told him her name was Doniya and she said she’s adopted. She claimed his parents-or their parents- put her for adoption when she was a baby-he asked why but she didn’t have an answer herself- and her parents just recently told her. They informed Doniya of her real parents name and she searched them only to find out they died in a house fire.

At that point he was actually in tears because after years of thinking he had no family left, here he is talking to a girl who could possibly be his sister.

She told him she found out about him and she went through hell and back to find out a way to contact him. Naturally, Zayn was skeptical and needed more proof so one day when his previous foster parents thought he was at school he really went to her house and met her adopted parents. They told him everything and he’d be a complete moron if he didn’t believe them because why would adults be so cruel and lie about this. Hell, they even showed him Doniya’s adoption papers and real birth certificate.

When Zayn went home that day-he was late and earned himself a punishment- he couldn’t help but think if he should tell Doniya about his foster parents and maybe he could even ask her parents if they would like to adopt him as well but then he doubts they’d want him. They already have kids and why would they want Zayn anyway. So he doesn’t ask and he doesn’t tell Doniya his situation until one day when he’s over her house and she forced his long sleeve off his body because it was  _bloody hot_ and he just _had_ to go swimming with her. When she got the shirt off his frail body she took notice to the scars and bruises and cuts that decorated his skin. He really had no other choice but to tell her the truth because Doniya’s not stupid and she didn’t accept the excuse of “I fell into a thorn bush.”

The last time Zayn saw his sister was a year ago. They lost touch after an argument they had over Zayn and his ‘living arrangements’. She was telling him he had to leave that foster house after a particularly brutal beating and he had snuck off to her house but he told her he just couldn’t. Obviously since Doniya wasn’t in Zayn’s position she didn’t understand and she threatened to call the police. That made Zayn explode with anger and before he could rip the phone out of her hand and shove it down her throat, he turned around and stomped out the house.

She tried calling, many times but he was still angry that she would betray his trust like that. He confided in her every time he was hurt by his foster parents and every time he wanted to give everything up and now here she was trying to call the cops. Yeah, she thinks it’s for the best and he knew it was because she cared but Zayn just didn’t want to go to another foster house where he could possibly be bullied and beaten just as bad.

He didn’t want the word going around school because then everyone would know how much of a coward he is and they’d pity him. They would know he was being abused, they would know he lives in a foster home, they would know his parent’s died and they would know it was his fault. And obviously since it’s high school, everyone would change up the truth, make rumors worse then they already would be and next thing you know, nobody wouldn’t want to be around Zayn because he’s the _“freak who lit his parents on fire and let his foster parents rape him.”_   they’d get the story totally wrong, judge him without knowing his side of the story and exclude him like he has some kind of contagious disease. Zayn’s life would plunge deeper into the dark hole he’s stuck in and it would have become even more difficult to try and climb back out.

“It’s great to see you. Here, come in.” They pull apart and Zayn steps to the side so his sister can enter the empty apartment. It’s 10 pm, the exact time Zayn told Doniya to come over. She’s only here because Zayn managed to convince Harry to go out tonight and to take the lads along because for some reason they sleep here more then they sleep at their own places. They asked if he was coming along but he denied, told them he was to tired. Harry accepted with a skeptical look before they walked out and 10 minutes later there was a knock on the door.

“Coffee? Tea?” He calls from the hall, Doniya’s already in the living room sitting on the couch. “Tea please.” Zayn walks into the kitchen and prepares some tea for only his sister because he would rather choose coffee. When it’s finished he pours her a cup and walks to the living room to sit across from her and hand her the tea.

“So, who’s place is this?” Doniya asks, her eyes searching throughout the apartment. Zayn’s known her long enough to tell she’s stalling but he only plays along because he’s not all that curious as to what she wants to tell him. “Harry’s. Met him on my birthday, the day I left. He took me in.” Zayn explains. She nods her head and starts speaking again. “Where is he?”

“Convinced him to go out with the lads for the night.” Zayn tells her. She takes her first sip of the tea and asks, “The lads?”

“Just a few other blokes I met.” He answers. Silence falls around them, it’s not awkward or all that uncomfortable. Really it’s just kind of tense. Zayn doesn’t know why she shifts every few seconds and bites her lip, like he does, nervously. It’s unusual until it clicks and he lets a small smile grow on his lips. “I forgive you D, stop worrying okay?” He assures. Doniya’s eyes finally meet his and she smiles.

“Yeah, okay.” Silence takes over again, it’s not tense this time but Doniya looks like she’s trying to find the right words. Her leg is jumping up and down and Zayn realizes Doniya is a lot like him in social situations. Fucking nervous and a bit awkward. But maybe it’s only because they haven’t spoken in a year or because this thing she has to say, she knows Zayn wont like. “Okay, on with it girl.” Zayn pushes slightly, knowing if he didn’t say anything, she wouldn’t have either.

“My sister is getting married.” The words are quick and bundled together, just barely over a whisper and he has to think about it for a minute before they makes sense. “Lacey?” He questions, face falling instantly. Doniya sadly nods her head and looks at the carpet.

“You know how you guys broke up?” Zayn nods his head though she can’t see because her eyes are trained on the floor. “Well, she was leaving you for someone else. His name is Oliver. ” Zayn’s shakes his head in disbelief. Lacey-who’s a few years older then Zayn- was Zayn’s first love. They dated for a few months-8 to be exact- and he even lost his virginity to her (Well, not really, he had lost his virginity long ago but this was by choice, he slept with her by choice and because of that, he considers her to be the one he lost his virginity too) and of course, It was in the dark so she wouldn’t see the flaws and she was to horny to notice the way Zayn’s skin rose in large bumps and long thin lines in most areas. He was heart broken when she broke up with him and didn’t give him a reason after he demanded one. It was horrible in all honesty.

“The wedding is next Thursday and Lacey said we should invite you. I told her that I’d ask but not to hold her breath.” She explains and stands from the recliner and sits next to Zayn on the couch. She places two hands on either side of Zayn’s face and rubs her thumbs over his defined cheek bones. “I’m sorry, Z. I know how much you loved her and how bad she hurt you. You don’t have to come. We’ll all understand.” She smiles down at Zayn and wraps her arms around his shoulders.

Zayn has an internal debate taking place in his mind on whether he should go or not. Of course, Zayn doesn’t love Lacy anymore but he’s pretty sure watching her get married will hurt because he always use to think they’d be up there getting married. Though he was always sure she was to good for him and would realize soon-which she eventually did- but he always had a glimmer of hope. But then Zayn thinks he should go to prove he’s over her. It’s been fucking 2 and a half years, if he doesn’t show they’ll assume he’s still in love with her and Zayn’s pathetic enough as it is. Zayn has to go to prove himself because even after everything he’s been through he still has at least a small sliver of respect for himself.

“No, I-it’s fine D. I’ll go.” He stutters, still questioning if this is a good idea. He’s not sure if he can take anymore hurt at this point. If he somehow is still at least a little bit in love with Lacey-which he might just be because there are days when he still misses her- then he knows this will fucking hurt like a bitch and might just crumple his last bit of control he has over his thoughts.

“You sure?” Doniya asks, pulling back to look him in the eye. He simply gulps and nods his head still unsure.

“You can always back out. The wedding is at 5:30pm on Thursday. Come to my house before though, we can drive there together.” She tells him. “And Z, I need to ask you a favor.” She says, resting her hands on his shoulders. “Anything.”

“We want you to sing at the wedding.” She says, words falling quickly out of her mouth. Zayn’s eyes widen and he shakes his head quickly, denying her request. “Anything but that.” Because he’d be damned if he stood in front of a fucking strange crowd and sang some song about fucking love for his ex girlfriend and her-soon to be-husband. If he’s up there he’s guarantied to explode, not only from mourning a failed relationship but because he’ll be embarrassing himself in front of over 100 people.

“Please Z!” She begs, standing up and crouching in front of him and taking his hands in her own. “You have an amazing voice!” He scuffs and she slaps his knee softly.

“Stop it, you know you do. And anyways it was my mother’s idea. You know she loves your voice. Lacey agreed. She was so excited. She possibly loves your voice even more then my mother, ever since she found you singing in our kitchen that one time. Remember? And she told me how you use to sing to her every time she was down or when you slept over on those rare nights.” Doniya points out. He smiles fondly at the memories. The smile that would grow on Lacey’s face as she listened always brightened his day

“I just don’t understand, why me?” he mostly asks himself but Doniya answers anyway. “Lacey told me the only voice she wants to hear as she walks down the aisle is yours. So please Z. Everyone’s looking forward to it.” She pleads.

Zayn groans because how the hell is he suppose to deny now. He’s a people pleaser for fucks sake. “Fine, I’ll do it.” He sighs. Doniya literally squeaks and throws herself on him. He stands up to hug her properly. “This is great! She’s ganna be so happy, Zaynie!” Don squeals into his shoulder.

“Who’s ganna be so happy?” Someone asks and Zayn looks over Doniya’s head to find the boys stumbling through the front door, fits of laughter and missed steps. They pull apart. “What are you lot doing here? I thought you’d be at the club right now.” Zayn tries not to sound panicked but he is because he’s not ready to tell them he has a sister but then he’s sick of lying to them as well.

Fuck, this is the reason why he made them leave so he could invite Doniya over without her running into the boys and them expecting an explanation.

“Well Liam wanted to come back because he’s convinced you shouldn't be home alone” Louis begins and Zayn turns just in time to notice a pink blush on Liam’s cheeks. “Then Niall started drinking before we got to the club and insulted the bouncer and he wouldn’t let us in. Then to top it all off, Harry’s incredibly horny and wouldn’t stop humping my leg in the car.” Zayn chuckles at his friends because this is not at all surprising, it’s actually quite funny. Doniya laughs from next to him and it’s like everyone finally notices her presence.

“Who’s that?” Niall asks, kind of breathless and Zayn doesn’t even bother to hide the roll of his eyes. “Niall, don’t even think about it.” Doniya looks at him confused and when he shakes his head at her, her face flushes at the realization. “Oh.”

“Why, you two together?” Harry asks, finger pointing at the both of them and narrowing his eyebrows. Doniya burst into laughter and Zayn’s face twist at how vile that would be. “Oh god no, that would be disgusting on so many levels.” He cringes for emphases, which earns him a slap in the arm.

“I take offence to that. I’m a great catch.” Doniya defends. Zayn laughs. “Of course you are D, but that doesn’t make the idea any less gross and wrong.” Their banter ends when someone else voices a question.

“Then who are you?” Liam asks Doniya. The boys are all now inside the apartment, looking at them confused.

“Um, this is Doniya.” Zayn offers. He knows they’re looking for him to specify their relationship but he doesn’t plan to if he can easily dance around the answer. Doniya seems to catch on because she’s clearing her throat and making her way to the door. “I have to go now. It was great seeing you again Zay. See you next week, yeah?” She asks, a hopeful look in her eyes, “Yeah.”

Doniya grins and grabs the doorknob to walk out but Zayn rushes forward for one more question. “They aren’t going to be there right?” Zayn whispers into her ear because he feels like this is a necessary question and it should be asked in private. Doniya lives not to far from the foster home and from what he’s heard Doniya’s mum had become friends with Zayn’s foster mother. How? He’s fucking clueless because Caitlin is a beautiful, kind women when Zayn’s foster mother is pretty much a spawn of Satan.

“I don‘t think so, I didn’t invite them.” Doniya answers in a whisper. He nods his head and allows her to leave. “Oh and Zayn, invite your friends if you want. I’m sure Lacey wont mind.” Doniya tells him. Zayn groans in response as the boys questions for what they’re invited too. They hug and she’s out the door and out of sight in seconds. He closes the door and turns around, coming face to face with four males watching curiously, one of them owning a smirk and that’s fucking gross.

“Nice Z, she’s gorgeous.” Louis smirks and pats Zayn’s shoulder and Zayn has to force himself from loosing his dinner on the spot. “Louie, you’re so fucking off.” He says, walking around the boys and into the living room.

“Is he? You two seem very... close” Liam says, sitting across from him and if Zayn didn’t know better he’d say Liam’s tone is a bit bitter.

“Liam, please stop before my dick falls off from how _painfully_ disturbing this all is.” Zayn stresses. He doesn’t want to hear anymore of his friends about his sister and how they think they’re fucking. Isn’t that like, against the law too or something?

“Okay, so if you two aren’t shagging then who is she?” Niall asks, still looking hopeful and Zayn thinks he better stop having those eyes for his sister or he’s going to have to rip off his dick. Not that Niall isn’t great or anything but hell, that’s his only family right there and if anyone tries to fuck with his family then he’s going to have to do something that might land him in prison.

“She’s uh… um.” He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath to prepares himself because he’s about to tell his first truth to the boys. “My sister.” There’s gasps around the room and when Zayn opens his eyes, they immediately find Liam’s who’s face is a mix of shocked, confused and a bit of relief which is interesting but he doesn’t dwell on it for too long. “Your sister? I thought you didn’t have any family.” Harry asks, looking at him bewildered.

“So did I. My parent’s put her up for adoption when she was two, before…” He stops and clears his throat. “She found me when I was twelve and told me she was my sister and that’s pretty much it.” Zayn explains, refusing to meet anyone’s eyes. He hates being put on the spot and he’s scared that if he looks up he’ll see anger and disappointment in their eyes because he’s always lying and then they’ll be furious at him, maybe even not want anything to do with him anymore.

“Why haven’t you mentioned her before?” Liam asks. Zayn still doesn’t look up when he speaks. “We haven’t spoken in a year-”

“Why?” Harry cuts him off, curiosity controlling his mouth. Zayn groans and puts his face in his hands, not wanting to talk about this anymore. “Can we talk about something else.” He requests, the words a bit muffled by his hands but the boys seem to understand. He flinches just barely when someone rubs his shoulder. He peaks from behind his fingers to find the source of affection and sees Liam. He relaxes into the touch almost instantly and removes his hands from his face.

“Okay but what are we invited too?”

“Yes, where must I grace my presence in one week?” And Zayn knows that sentence is from Louis without even looking around because who the hell else would say something like that? “Doniya’s sisters wedding.” He answers.

“So your sisters wedding?” Harry asks and Zayn’s stomach does this horrible twist because no, don’t give him that thought. Fucking Lacey is not his sister. He did not shag with his sister. He did not fall in love with his sister. Fucking disgusting. “She’s not my sister.” He almost snaps but manages to catch himself and speak in a calm voice to spare anyone’s feelings. “Well if she’s your sisters sister then doesn’t that make her your sister too?” Niall tries to convince.

“No Niall. We’re not blood.” Zayn tells him, his patience wearing thin. “And anyway, you lot aren’t going.”

“And why the hell not? I wont wear white.” Louis says as if that’s the thing keeping Zayn from allowing them to attend. Louis wearing white. Which actually would be quite horrible since the bride is the only one who’s suppose to wear white. But no, Zayn’s not allowing them to go because 1) Lacey is his ex and they don’t need to see how much of a wreck he’ll be. 2) The lads don’t need to see that part of his life. 3) If his foster parents are there he’ll need to make a clean getaway and who can do that with four nosy, loud and overly curious boys trailing behind him. And finally 4) Zayn is fucking _singing_.

“Because… It’ll be boring.” He says for lack of any better reason that he can voice. He knows it’s lame and Louis is scuffing at him but he just really doesn’t want them to go. “Come on Z, It’ll be fun I bet.” Liam tells him.

“That’s nonsense Zayn! Watching two people in love bind themselves to each other forever in a ceremonial event is a beautiful thing!” Louis smiles with stars in his eyes.

“Yeah, and I bet there’s going to be an open bar. We can get pissed and make fools of ourselves. It’ll be bloody brilliant!” Harry cheers, standing up and walking to the kitchen with a grin on his lips.

“Oi, and what if they have a buffet! Free food, I’m all for it!” Niall pipes and follows Harry to the kitchen. Zayn can hear clinks and he knows it’s from the 6 pack of Budweiser in their fridge that Zayn managed to convince Perrie to swipe from her fathers bar and give to them. Perrie only agreed because apparently it’s hard to say no to Zayn’s ‘pouty lips’ and ‘stupid hazel eyes’.

“If you drink all my beer you’re convincing Perrie to nick some more this time.” Zayn calls to them.

“I’ve already tried. She’ll only do it for you, Z.” Harry calls. “How she can deny my charm and curly locks is a mystery to me.” Harry pouts before taking a swig of his beer.

“Don’t be stingy babe, bring some for the rest of us.” Louis ordered, making grabby hands for his own beer. Harry and Niall come back over with three more beers for Zayn, Liam and Louis. Zayn happily accepts his beer from Harry, quickly popping off the cap and taking a few gulps.

“Alright, well I must be clearing out. Got a number from a lass I met at the club today and I told her to meet me at a bar down the street in 10.” Niall smirks and stands up. “Or in simpler words, I have a hot date with a feisty red head.”

“We where barely there five minutes before you ticked off the bouncer. How the hell did you manage to snag a date that fast?” Louis asks in disbelief. “It’s the Irish accent. Ladies love it.” Niall wiggles his eyebrows and walks towards the door. “Oi, Haz can I get a condom?”

“What makes you think you’re going to need it?” Harry teases, removing Louis’ from his lap and walking towards his room. “What makes you think I wont.” Niall retorts, winking at Harry when he hands him the condom.

Harry scuffs. “Just keep that Irish willy under control, mate. You’re to beautiful to be tied down with a child at 19.” Harry pats Niall’s bum and Niall gives them a salute and walks out. Harry plops himself on the couch and pulls Louis to sit on his lap again. Louis grins, blushing slightly, when Harry wraps his arms around his waist and buries his face in Louis’ neck. It’s all sickeningly adorable and Zayn’s stuck between being happy and envious of their relationship.

“Hey Zayn, do you think I can ask a date to the wedding?” Liam asks and Zayn blood turns cold almost instantly. It’s like he just got slapped in the face with a metal pan 10 times and kicked in the heart for good measure.

It’s like, you ever hear something that kind of crushes your heart immediately, your face falls and you have trouble breathing because you just don’t want to believe what your ears just hear. Waves of sadness flow through your veins and you just want to crawl under your sheets and never come out (It kind of reminds him of how he felt when Lacey ripped out his heart and stomped on it). Then there’s the part where you can’t show those feelings unless you want questions and your true feelings to be exposed so you have to put on a brave face and tough right through it.

“Um… yeah, uh I-I guess. I can- I can ask Doniya.” He forces a smile though it’s small and weak and really, it’s just pathetic. Liam returns his smile but his is wider, brighter and a lot more genuine then Zayn’s. Zayn has to refrain himself from asking who the damn girl or guy is. He only looks at Harry, desperation in his eyes but Harry just barely shrugs, the action only noticed by Zayn and he sighs inwardly.

“Well, uh… it’s getting late. Should really get some sleep. Goodnight.” He says maybe a little to quickly, dropping his beer on the coffee table and standing from the couch to walk to his room. He can hear Liam call him, tell him to hold on and Zayn knows why Liam is telling him to wait but he ignores him and walks into his room, locking the door behind him quickly because he can’t let Liam sleep in his bed tonight. Nope, no the boy has to go to his own fucking home tonight. Zayn can’t do this tonight. Not when Liam is planning to bring a date to Zayn’s ex girlfriends wedding.

And really, Zayn shouldn’t even be angry or hurt because it’s not like Liam is his, it’s not like Liam will ever be his and Zayn is just being a selfish jerk but damn it he deserves a little selfishness. He’s been through a lot of shit, why can’t the fucking universe give him one good thing. Why can’t it reward him for all the bullshit he’s put up with through his life. Why can’t something work out? Sure he has Harry and these fucking amazing new friends and a home where he isn’t beaten everyday and he should be happy but he’s not okay? He’s just not.

His ex girlfriend who broke his heart is happy and engaged with probably a wonderful guy, a man 100 times better then Zayn. Louis and Harry are in a loving, adorable and fucking amazing relationship, Niall has a “hot date” with a “feisty red head” and now Liam is about to be in his own relationship and here Zayn is, locked in his room alone and sad and angry because he deserves a person doesn’t he? He deserves love but maybe the universe doesn’t agree and it looks like nothings going to change.

Zayn lets out a long, deep sigh and drops his weight carelessly on his bed, putting in very little effort to strip himself from his clothes-not caring if he bares his flaws anymore- and climb under his sheets. He succumbs to his racing, never ending thoughts and barely gets a wink of sleep that night because of course Liam’s not interesting in the walking disaster that is Zayn. Who the fucking hell was he trying to convince?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so was that terrible? I hope not. I don't even know what made me to giving him a sister but I mean, why the hell not right?
> 
> Anyway, comments would be greatly appreciated! I love to hear your opinions and any ideas will be considered and possibly used.
> 
> Thank you, all of you, for sticking around. I hope I didn't do a shit job on this chapter.


	7. chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still surprised people are still reading this so I just want to say thank you guys so very much for reading and all the bookmarks and kudos and the comments. They mean a lot. They keep me writing and posting.
> 
> Anyway, not much Ziam in this chapter but don't worry I have plans! Yes, I have plans. Things are going to be happening soon enough so don't get to mad and impatient with me please.
> 
> Yeah but enjoy :)

  
It’s 6am and Zayn’s sitting on bus next to man with a cold and who he’s pretty fucking sure must live with wet dogs and he’s texting his sister frantically but she wont answer.

He hardly got an ounce of sleep last night and literally dragged his tired bones out of bed and to the bus stop in nothing but red sweats, a white tank top thats falling carelessly on his body and a black sweater with white strings that he leaves unzipped because who has the fucking energy to care about something like that?

Why did Zayn leave so early in the morning you ask? So he could escape the house before Harry and Louis woke up. Why is he on a bus to his sisters house? Because Zayn needs a fucking break and since him and his sister are now speaking, why not have some much needed family time to clear his cluttered brain.

His bus stop is on the other side of Wolverhampton where his sister lives alone with her Pitbull named Honey-Yeah, Honey, you heard right- so when the bus comes close he gets off and starts walking quickly and cautiously because his foster parents do live over here. When an average size, cream colored house with a small graden buy the door comes in view he rushes over and knocks on the door. No one answers after five minutes and he bangs desperately until the front door is being swung open by a very tired looking girl.

“Are you fucking kidding-” Doniya starts, voice annoyed and angry because she’s not the morning type either but then she cuts off and her face softens as she looks at Zayn who’s offering a sheepish smile.

“Zayn? What are you doing here?” She doesn’t sound angry anymore, a bit concerned actually. Zayn doesn’t look at her and he searches for words but he can’t find any. He has tears in his eyes that have been wanting to escape since last night and his hands shake uncontrollably. Doniya rest her hands on his shoulders and pulls him in until his hands wrap around her waist and his face buries in her neck. She smells familiar, like the tangerines she loves to eat before bed-apparently they help her sleep- and Coconuts from her shampoo. It’s comforting and he’s not sure how long they stand in the doorway hugging but when they pull apart and walk into the house, the sun is a little higher in the sky and Zayn feels a little less lonely.

“Did you sleep last night?” She asks him in the hallway. Her thumb rubbing the dark circles under his eyes that have been permanent in his skin for a long time but are more pronounced from his lack of sleep. He shakes his head, eyes meeting hers for a quick second but quickly averted because see, making eye contact when he's upset makes Zayn feel too vulnerable. It’s just easier to look away.

“C'mon.” He doesn’t question her as his sister leads him up the stairs and into a bedroom that he’s positive belongs to her because there’s perfume bottles on the dresser, purple bed sheets and bras scattered all over on the floor. Honey is laying on the left side of the bed but Doniya quickly scoops the puppy up in her arms and lays her in her own dog bed in the corner of the room.

“Lay. Get some sleep.” Zayn doesn’t protest, no he kicks off his trainers and climbs on the bed and under the silky duvet in seconds. He slips off his sweater because he has nothing to hide when he's around Doniya and tosses it on the floor before snuggling deeper into the soft mattress with a satasfied exhale.

Doniya walks around and sits on the edge of the bed. She runs her fingers through his hair and he kind of feels like a child being put to bed by his mother at bedtime but he doesn’t complain because he hasn’t had this feeling in years and even though it’s only Doniya rubbing his arm he can still pretend even if it hurts just as much as it comforts.

 

 

Zayn fell asleep. He’s not sure how long he slept for but when he wakes up he’s alone and he feels alittle more rested but he can go for a few more hours.

He wants to dig deeper into the covers, go back to sleep and hopefully have a dream and maybe, if he’s lucky, feel fully rested when he wakes up. But he doesn’t. He gets out of Doniya’s bed, walks to the bathroom across the hall and uses one of Doniya’s toothbrushes under the sink to brush his teeth. Doniya is studying to be a dentist so she has a bunch of extra toothbrushes, floss and toothpaste hidden in her bathroom.

When he’s done Zayn goes downstairs and to the kitchen where he finds Doniya cooking waffles. He looks at the stove that reads 10:28am and quietly takes a seat on one of the stools at the counter and watches the batter cook. “Your mobile rang about a million times while you where asleep. I didn’t answer though, wasn’t sure if you’d want me to but it’s on silent and on the counter.” Doniya tells, not turning around to meet his eyes. Zayn makes a sound so she’ll no she was heard and looks to his left and finds his phone rested upside down on the counter like Doniya said. He picks it up and turns the screen on.

18 missed calls and 24 unread messages from everyone but Liam and yeah, okay, that hurts a little but it’s not like he’s going to admit it. Zayn puts in his password and opens a few of the earlier texts he received.

**Zaaayn, where’d you go? Came in your room to wake you for work but you weren’t there.**   
**-Harry**

**Why aren’t you answering Harry? Where the hell are you?**   
**-Lou**

**Did something happen? I usually have to pull you by your hair to get you out of bed before 11 and your up at 8 voluntarily?**   
**-Harry**

**Didn’t we have a talk about this shit before Zayn! Are you with Perrie again? Do I need to call her? I’m calling her.**   
**-Lou**

**Zayn why is Louis harassing me? He claims your with me.**   
**-Per**

**If you don’t answer in ONE hour I’m telling Liiiiaaaam! You know how he worries, don’t wanna upset your boyfriend now do you Zayner? ;D**   
**-Lou**

**That’s it I’m calling the police! Don't be surprised when your hunted down by vicious dogs and choppers!**   
**-Lou**

**Zayn! Harry’s freaking out, Louis is trying to call the SWAT team because he’s convinced you were kidnapped, Liam’s actually asleep past 10 and I’m fucking hungry and nobody’s feeding me! You’re throwing everything off! Come back!**   
**-Nialler**

**Did Harry find you? He left his phone here.**   
**-Nialler**

**ZAAAAAAYNNNN!!**   
**-unknown number**

**Oh, this is Harry**   
**-unknown number**

Zayn exits his messages feeling a little guilty but not bothering to hold back the laugh that falls from his lips because his fucking friends. He quickly opens a new message and texts Louis.

**Jesus Louis, I’m alive. Spread the word k? Don’t get Liam or the police involved, I’ll be home later.**   
**-Zayn**

He sets his phone down and watches as Doniya drops some waffles on two plates and places sausages into the pan.

**WELL ABOUT FUCKING TIME! I was about to text Liam. Where are you?**   
**-Lou**

Zayn doesn’t bother answering, only returns his phone to silent and drops it on the counter again. Doniya places a plate in front of him, gives him the syrup and takes a seat next to him. They eat their food in silence, it’s not uncomfortable or awkward. It’s actually just what Zayn needs. He never has peace like this back at his flat. It’s a nice change but it’s not a change he’d like to be around permanently.

**Oh, so you aren’t going to answer now! I’m sooooo telling Liam on you!**   
**-Lou**

Zayn snorts and drops his phone again. Liam wont care and he’s waiting for the day they wont either.

“What happen?” Doniya breaks the silence, dabbing her mouth with a paper towel. Zayn burps quietly, pushing his plate further away from him and patting his full tummy.

“Nothing, I just… I needed to get out of there.” He tells her, shrugging his shoulders but Doniya’s narrowing her eyebrows at him, clearing not accepting his answer.

“Zayn, please?” she asks. Zayn turns to look at her, hazel eyes finally meeting brown ones and it’s overwhelming how her eyes look so concerned and genuine. He finds himself sighing and decided that maybe he can tell her what’s wrong. It’s Doniya, he use to confide in her all the time, nothings changed. This should be easy. He can do it. It’s just Doniya, it’s just his sister. He can trust her. She wont judge him. She's always been so accepting, didn't even bat an eyelash when he told her he liked dick too. Okay, those weren't his exact words but thats pretty much the gist.

“Do you remember that guy from yesterday? The one with that fohawk thing going on with his hair and he’s just a little taller then me, like an inch or two? He has brown eyes with gold specks and delicious plump lips and he’s like, really fit.” Doniya smirks at him and nods her head, cueing him to continue. 

"Well I kind of really... fancy him. Or as Harry put it the other day, ‘arse over tit in love’ but I think that’s a bit of an exaggeration, no?” But it’s not much of an exaggeration really. Harry’s pretty damn close. He’s so gone for Liam and it's both horrible and pleasurable at the same time.

“And where’s the problem?” Doniya asks, obviously lost.

“Well, uh… he doesn’t fancy me back. He asked to bring a date to the wedding. I told him I’d ask but fuck D, it hurts.” He tells her, letting out an awkward forced laugh because he feels like maybe if he laughs it'll ease the uncomfortable pressure he feels from the confession. It doesn't and Doniya rubs his shoulder trying to sooth him. It’s a little comforting but he still feels like utter shit.

“How does he not like you? You’re hot, I mean you’re my brother, you have to be hot if you related to me.” She smirks and Zayn knows she can sense his discomfort and is only trying to lighten the mood and he appreciates her attempt even if it does little to actually help him feel better.

“Well, it sounds like he’s met someone hotter.” he says, his tone bitter and he knows he easily could have token the out Doniya gave him but maybe he doesn't want the out, maybe he wants to vent for once in his fucking life even if he'll most likely regret ever opening his mouth later on.

“You can tell him I said no. It’s only for family and close friends, no dates allowed.” She offers him and though it sounds like a perfect idea he doesn't even give it a second thought before he's shaking his head no.

“I can’t do that, Don.” He groans because as much as he’d like to he knows it’s wrong. “When your in love you’d do anything to keep the person happy even if it means letting them be with someone else and even if it hurts like a bitch.” he chokes out and runs a hand through his bed head. Doniya eyes kind of bug out a little and only for a second and he doesn't know why she looks so surprised but then he realizes  _Oh shit_ , he just said he’s in love with Liam. He hasn’t even admitted that in his own head, It just kind of came out and it’s not like he can rewind or swallow the words back up so he gulps and continues as if he didn't just make a huge confession unintentionally.

“It just sucks ya know? Nothing ever turns out how you want it, does it? After everything and I can’t even have this one fucking thing. It's not fair and it just... hurts.” he bites his bottom lip to stop the trembling and rubs his palms against his eye, willing the burn behind his eyelids to go the fuck away but It fucking sucks being unlovable. He thought he had it down, he thought he had accepted it already but damn it, he was painfully wrong.

“Zayn-” Doniya starts but he cuts her off because it she talks, tries to tell him he's wrong then she might ruin the moment and he'll stop talking and go back to holding everything inside because he'll feel like she doesn't understand and he doesn't want that, no, right now he just wants her to fucking listen and not make him feel like a burden for venting like this by actually _speaking_.

“Maybe it’s for the best anyway. Why would he want to deal with me. It’s clear to all of them I’m just a mess and nobody likes messes.” He mumbles into his palms. He doesn’t get it. What is he doing wrong? Yeah, he fucked up really badly when he was a kid but nobody knew that so why didn't anyone like him? Lacey didn’t want him, Liam doesn’t want him. Well, Zayn never expected Liam to want or even love him back. He's not even sure if he even wants Liam to love him back because Zayn would probably fuck that up too and he doesn't want to hurt anybody else. Maybe he should just give up all hope of ever being in a relationship and become like a man slut or something. It's probably better to have one night stands and never fall in love again so then he wont be crushed when his feelings are never returned.

“Don’t speak like that, Zayn. You are not a mess and who cares about Liam. He’s just some boy who doesn’t see what’s in front of him. Anybody would be lucky to have you.” But Zayn waves her off. She’s only saying that because she’s his sister, she has to say stuff like that to him. She just doesn't understand and maybe that's because he's not telling her everything that he's actually thinking but he'll be damned if he even considered that.

It's just, he feels like someone ripped his heart from his chest, tossed it in the rink and watched as a few bulls jabbed at it with their horns and trampled it with heavy hooves. He didn’t even feel this much pain when Lacey dumped him and that’s saying something. It’s just… it’s different with Liam. Lacey was great, soft skin, kind words and legs for miles but Liam’s gentle eyes and hard muscles and inviting voice and welcoming arms. Though it’s more then that.

Liam makes him feel like maybe it is possible for Zayn to be loved, when Liam stays the night-which is almost every night and don’t ask Zayn how that happened. Ever since that one night he stood over it’s become a thing or something- and Zayn’s laying next to him he feels content for the first time in... well, ever. Content and happy and he forgets the problems and thoughts that usually have him drowning at night and he just never wants to leave. He always wants to be around Liam, around his bright genuine smile that warms his cold bones, around his embrace that makes him feels safe, invincible. And it sucks that another girl or guy can will be able to feel like that about Liam and their feelings will actually be accepted and returned.

He’s not mad at Liam though, not in the least bit. Maybe a little frustrated but he’s really just hurt. Hurt and he has no fucking reason to feel this way. No reason to feel so betrayed. He shouldn't feel so taken back and upset that Liam is taking interest in someone else because it’s not like Liam was ever going to chose him. Choose someone so messed up and shut off from everyone. Nobody wants to deal with someone like that but he couldn’t help the small glimmer of hope he had that faded quickly last night.

“I’m so sorry Zaynie. I know, I understand. It hurts but it’ll go away, yeah? It’ll get better. There’s so much more people out there. Ones that actually deserve your love. It’s going to work itself out in the end okay, Z. Just, don’t give up. Promise me you wont give up, please.” She begs, holding him in her arms. He shrugs, nibbling his lip because he doesn't want to guarantee anything. Giving up just sounds so good right now. He should pack his shit, give up on everything and everyone and move in with Doniya. It's the only choice he has left that isn't anything permanent and it's not like it's a bad choice either. He’s got a shit job and he hasn’t received a letter yet from that Art Uni he desperately wants to go to and he’s pretty sure it wont be an acceptance letter. He has no love life and nothings is really tying him to the boys except the fact that he loves all of them and he’s pretty sure if he tries to leave they wont let him escape. Or not without a fight at least. The only reason he would stay was so he could see Liam everyday but that wouldn't be helping him in anyway.

“Stay with me today, we’ll rehearse the song Lacey picked out for you to sing then we’ll go get some ice cream and go see that funny movie that just came out in the theaters. We’ll even go shopping because I know how you like to stay in style. You can even stay with me tonight, if you want.” Doniya offers and this is why Zayn loves her so much, she's so supportive and she really knows how to plan out a good day just when he needs one the most.

“Oh! And we can even find you a hot date for the wedding!” Doniya jumps from her seat excitedly, clapping her hands and grinning wide but Zayn shakes his head, denying it.

“C’mon Zay! Can’t let Liam have all the fun. We can get you some sexy lady or bloke to have on your arm and show Liam and everyone else that you can get with some hot arse too. Show them you're over them and... Oh, and imagine how jealous Liam will get!” And why does she seem more excited about the thought of Liam being jealous then he is?

“D, jealousy is something only people who are interested feel. Liam’s not interested.” Zayn points out dryly, a sad frown covering his lips.

“Well, whatever. I say you should still bring a date. I mean, you can’t show up to your ex girlfriends wedding alone!” And okay, Zayn has to admit that that does makes some sense but he’s not all in the mood to pretend to be interested in some poor girl or guy who will have no idea what they're getting themselves into.

“Doniya, I'd really rather not string someone along like that.” He says as an excuse.

“Okay, well do you know anyone who would pretend to be your date?” she asks and Zayn takes a moment to think about it. He doesn’t have really have any other friends other then the boys. There is Cher, that girl he met at the coffee shop two weeks ago. He thinks she would do something like that for him. She’s a real sassy and funny girl but also a bit of a pain in the arse because she's always trying to flirt with him in front of Liam because she claims there is some sort of tension between them though Zayn repeatedly denied it. But then he’s thinking maybe it would be a little much to ask a girl he's only known for two weeks to a family wedding so he crosses her out.

He can ask Danny if he wants to go. Danny’s one of his best mates still even if they don't see much of eachother in a while but he thinks he'll act as his date. But then Danny can’t really control his mouth or dick and he’ll probably let one of those things slip, whether it’s secrets or his pants when he sees a girl with big breast walk by. So Danny’s out of the question.

“Perrie.” He grins suddenly. Why didn’t he think of her first?

“Who?” Doniya asks, face scrunching a little from curiosity.

“Perrie, this girl I met not to long ago. She’s gorgeous and she’s amazing, she’ll pretend to be my date and knowing Perrie, she’ll probably go all out too.” Zayn pulls out his phone quickly, ignoring Doniya’s squeals in the background. He’s excited to but he’s also worried because Liam doesn’t seem to like Perrie and the reason is beyond him. Whenever she comes over or they sneak into the bar Liam smiles at her because he’s polite but he hardly speaks and when she asks him a question he gives a simple, quick answer and his eyes always scream _GET AWAY_. It’s weird but maybe it’s because Niall had a thing for her and she denied him. Maybe Zayn should ask for Niall’s approval first and then it’ll all be okay and Liam wont me mad.

**Hey Ni, can I ask Perrie to Doniya’s sisters wedding?**   
**-Zayn**

**Yeah go for it but she’s a tough cookie, might not crack.**   
**-Nialler**

**No need to worry about that. Just wanted to make sure you’re okay with it.**   
**-Zayn**

**Yeah it’s cool, I don’t care. I’m bringing Eleanor.**   
**-Nialler**

And Zayn doesn't answer, only dials Perrie’s number after and she picks up after a few rings.

“Hey Perrie, how’s your day?” he asks, trying to sound sweet and be patient when he just really wants to ask her already. He not all that sure why he’s anxious to ask Perrie to the wedding. Maybe it’s because Perrie’s one of the most gorgeous girls he knows and he wants to throw that in Lacey’s face or maybe it’s because he really doesn’t want to look pathetic and sulk during the whole wedding while his ex girlfriend marries someone who isn’t him-not that he wants to marry here anymore- and the man he’s in love with will be at the wedding with some chick or bloke he doesn’t know or care to meet. Or maybe it’s both. Yeah, it’s both.

“What do you want?” Perrie asks but her tone isn’t annoyed or angry. If anything he can practically hear the smile through her words.

“How’d you know I wanted something?” He asks because he really is curious how she can pick that up after one sentence. He was so sure he sounded casual.

“You never call me at 11 in the morning and you never ask how’s my day. Which is shitty so far. Work’s a real pain in the arse sometimes. But anyway, either you need something or you’ve been hanging around Liam and his manners too much.” Zayn chuckles. She’s got a point.

“Okay, yeah I do need something. Well, it’s more of a favor I need from you. So see, my… friend” He decides to call her. “is having a wedding and I wanted to know if you’d go with me.”

“Why me? Why don’t you ask Liiiiaaam?” She asks and stretches Liam's name in a teasing way. And that catches Zayn off guard almost causing him to spit out the orange juice he nicked from Doniya.

“Liam? Why would I ask Liam?” He questions and he tries not to sound panicked but he also knows he’s failing miserably.

“Oh, please don’t give me that. I see the way you stare at him, all longing and shit. You’re not all that discreet about it, mate.” Perrie snorts and Zayn stifles a shocked squeak that almost escapes.

“You know? Am I that obvious? Shit, d-does he know?” Zayn continues to panic and now he’s pacing in the kitchen and pulling at his hair. How the hell did she figure this out? He's only ever told Harry and Doniya just today and now Perrie fucking knows? 

“Yes you’re pretty obvious but no he doesn’t know so stop worrying.” Zayn wants to ask how she knows but he doesn’t, to afraid of the answer so he just sighs and takes her word for it.

“Will you go with me or not? Liam is going and he’s bringing a date and my friend isn’t really a friend, she’s my ex girlfriend and I can’t just show up alone like that. I need you Perrie!” He pleads desperately after deciding since she already knows he has feelings for Liam then what’s the point of keeping the rest a secret. Perrie stays quiet though and he can almost see her putting on her I’m-thinking-but-not-really-thinking-just-trying-to-bust-your-balls face and he really doesn’t have time for that. “Peeerrie!”

“Okay!” She laughs into the phone . “I don’t appreciate being used but I’ll do it for you because I love you and I’ll be damned if I let you go to an exes wedding alone. Specially if some lad you're completely gone for is going with some bitch.” And Zayn laughs at how she already doesn’t like Liam’s date. “Hey, I’ll even dress like a slut if you want. Make it look like your scoring big time.” Perrie adds cheerfully and this is one of the reason why Zayn likes Perrie so much. She’ll literally go to no ends for Zayn’s pride even if it means risking her own.

“You don’t have to do that Per. And don’t you dare wear white either!” He demands because her and Louis oddly think alike but while Louis would wear white to a wedding because he likes the attention, Perrie would wear white to sabotage it.

“How’d you know I was going to offer that?” She asks and Zayn can imagine her pouting on the other end.

“Because you’re worse then Louis.” He answers.

“Hey, I take that as a compliment, Louis can be bloody perfect sometimes. But can I at least wear black? Ya know for mourning.” she questions causing Zayn to burst out laughing and Perrie joins in too.

“No black and no white. Wear red. Red is a sexy color.” Zayn tells her. He was going to suggest blue but he thought Perrie might stand out more in red, what with her pale complexion and short platinum blonde hair. He thinks she’ll really catch peoples attention.

“Are you calling me sexy?” She asks and he can hear the smirk. “I’m flattered Malik. You’re not so bad yourself.” She compliments in a teasingly.

“Oh, shut it. The weddings next Thursday and since I have no car you’re going to have to pick me up in yours but I’m driving there.” He tells her and there’s really no room to argue with him.

“Whatever you say, love. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Zayn narrows his eyebrows in confusion because what’s tomorrow?

“Uh, I can hear you thinking. Tomorrow you’re coming with me dress shopping. I need your approval if I want to be the perfect trophy date.” Perrie informs him and yeah, that makes sense.

“Okay so I’ll see you then. I have to go Per but thank you.”

“Not a problem. Just happy I can do my part in showing Liam and that bitch what they’re missing.” Zayn grins and what did he ever do to deserve such a good friend? Okay, he’s done a lot but still. “Love you, see you.” and then she hangs up.

“So I’m guessing it went well?” Zayn turns to notice Doniya leaning against the counter and he’s not going to lie, he kind of forgot she was here but he nods his head and when Doniya’s face breaks into a huge smile, he smiles back.

“Well, lets go then. We have shit to do!” Doniya exclaims and takes Zayn’s hand in her own. They spend the day together like Doniya promised. First Doniya introduced him to the song he’ll be singing called _"I am for you"_   by _Lisa Tucker_ and he reluctantly practices it in front of her, wishing the ground would swallow him whole but he does like the song. After, they go to the movies and almost get kicked out because Doniya doesn’t know how to keep her damn mouth shut during a movie. After, she treats him to ice cream. He chooses rocky road because he’s always wondered how it’d taste-fucking delicious- and Doniya picks cookie dough. They walks to some stores and Doniya buys him some clothes because she doesn’t want Zayn spending his money that he's saving for his bike.

One of the outfits she buys him is actually for the wedding. The wedding is casual. Not jeans and a T shirt casual but something like dress pants and a button down or something. The clothes he gets are kind of pricey and he really didn't even pick them out, it was all Doniya but Doniya says the money doesn’t matter because her parents give her plenty of money monthly since she’s still in college and they don’t want her worrying about money when she should be studying for her classes.

“Are you staying over mines?” Doniya asks as they pile into her care, both carrying enough bags to fill the whole back seat. Doniya puts the key in the ignition and pulls out of the parking lot.

“No, the lads have been texting me all day so I think It's best if I go home even though Louis will probably choke me with the shower curtain.” Doniya laughs and nods her head before driving onto the highway. They drive in silence, well not really, the radio is playing but they just don’t speak because there’s nothing really to say.

“If anything happens you know you can come to mine, right?” Doniya turns in her seat to face him once they pull in front of his building.

“I did that today didn’t I?” He asks but his tone is light and kind. Doniya smiles and leans in to pull him into a hug. She doesn’t even say anything when he flinches in surprise. He’s still getting use to physical contact. He's made a lot of process over the past few months though because his small group of friends don't know how to keep their hands to themselves. But really, he's benefited from the lack of personal space.

When they pull away Zayn kisses her forehead, thanks her for everything, grabs his stuff from the back seat and walks to the front door. He’s anxious during the ride in the elevator, he knows he’s going to get shit from the lads for ignoring all the texts and calls and Louis is probably going to have his head. Harry’s probably loosing his mind, Niall… well he’s not quite sure how Niall is taking it. He’s probably not that worried. Zayn bets he’s just eating, he does that a lot. And Liam. He smiles humorlessly. He doesn’t even want to think about Liam whether the boy is pissing himself with worry or not giving a shit. He just doesn’t want to think about Liam at all.

The elevator dings so he exits and walks to his door, lingering there for a few moments before reaching for his key in his front pocket-which is quite the struggle considering he has about 350 bags on his arms- and unlocking the door. When he walks in he’s not pretty surprised at the view in front of him. He expected the lads to be lingering by the door for him but they aren't. Liam and Niall are engrossed in a game of Mario Superstar Baseball while Harry and Louis cheer them on in the background. Liam is pitching while Niall bats and Zayn’s just relieved that they aren’t all standing by the door waiting for him. And seeing his opportunity, he quietly walks deeper into the apartment-praying his bags, that are making sounds, wont draw any attention- and takes a right turn down a hallway till he’s right in front of his door. He grabs the handle, opening it very, very slowly and…

“Zayn?” Harry’s deep, slightly raspy voice calls from the living room and he hears the game pause and pairs of feet hitting the floor. He quickly turns the handle all the way and tries to get in fast enough so he can at least drop his bags inside before he gets a lecture.

“Zayn! You’re back!” Harry grins wide as he practically runs down the hall and crashes into Zayn causing both boys to fall to the floor. Zayn yelps and winces a little though he knows Harry’s only trying to hug him and tries to push Harry off of him but the boy wont budge.

“Hazza my bags! You’re crushing them.” Zayn laughs out, his eyes crinkling in the corners.

“Is that code for balls?” Harry asks, finally looking up from where his face was buried in Zayn’s jumper.

“No it’s not code for balls but you are crushing those too.” Zayn whines but exhales in relief when Harry finally roles off him and he stands up, walking into his room to drop his bags on the floor. He turns around and is met with three-not including Harry, he’s just grinning- disapproving faces. “What?” He asks confused.

“You left early in the morning, missing work, you’ve been missing all day, ignoring our texts and then you tried to sneak in without telling anyone your back.” Liam eyes don't hold any threat but he's frowning and his arms crossed against his chest. Zayn breaks eye contact and shrugs because he’s afraid if he says something he might make it worse.

“Where were you? We were pissing ourselves all day.” Niall tells him and Zayn stifles the snort because they didn’t look like they were pissing themselves at all when he walked through the door. Not that that bothers him or anything. He was actually relieved about that.

“I just went to see Doniya.” He responds and they all seem to take the answer and he’s thankful for that.

“Well why did you ignore us?” Harry questions and shit, Zayn really doesn’t have an answer for that.

“I told Louis I was okay and then... my phone d-died so I couldn’t text anyone back.” And wow he pulled that out of his arse but again they all accept the answer, nodding their heads.

“We are all still very upset with you though. I literally had to pry Louis’ phone from his hands, he was ready to contact the fucking queen or something like a fucking lunatic.” Liam tells him, still frowning though the weight of the frown has lightened a little. And that’s when something hits him.

“Where is Louis?” he asks and that’s when Harry grabs him by his forearm and leads him to the living room, the other boys following close behind. Zayn sees Louis sitting on the couch with his arms crossed and his face the picture of angry. “He’s not pleased with you.” Niall sings quietly into his ear and then they’re pushing Zayn into the living room and towards the couch.

“Louis?” He calls, turning his head to the side to try and steal a glance from him but Louis only turns his head to the other side. Such a drama queen, he is. “C’mon Lou.” He drops himself onto the couch next to Louis and nuzzles into his side, putting on his best pouty face.

"Loooou! Don't give me the silent treatment you prat." Zayn pleads and maybe the insult wasn't the best idea because Louis only sticks his nose up higher and turns away even more.

“Don’t be mad Louie. I’m sorry. If you forgive me I’ll nick some more beers from Perrie tomorrow.” Zayn bribes and Louis’ face softens until he’s turning and looking at Zayn.

“I hate you, you know that?” He says but his smile tells Zayn otherwise. “You and your stupid eyelashes. I mean really, how are they that long? It’s like you’re wearing mascara, honestly.” Zayn laughs and flutters his eyelashes on Louis' cheek causing his expression to completely soften and he laughs along before pulling him into a hug.

“Well now that we’re all forgiving can we get back to the game?” Niall asks, interrupting the hug and Zayn pulls away and walks towards the kitchen while they set up a new game because apparently Liam is a cheat and that's the _only_ reason why he's winning. When he gets to the kitchen he opens the fridge and pulls out the last beer and uncaps it to take a long, much needed swig because this week has been kind of hectic.

“You scared us.” A voice stops him from drinking his beer and turns around to see who he already knew who the voice belonged too.

“I was only gone for a day.” Zayn defends though he knows it’s useless. Liam frowns a little and Zayn finds himself feeling a little bad because what if he made Liam feel bad for worrying. He doesn’t want Liam to feel bad. That’s the last thing he wants. Liam should always be happy. There should never be a frown on those plump lips of his.

“A long day.” He retorts and before Zayn can respond or even process what Liam said, he’s being pulled into a hug. Liam’s arms wrapping around his shoulders and Zayn tenses for a short second before he wraps his arms around Liam’s waist and is melting into the hug, taking the opportunity to be close to him because Liam is _not_ staying over tonight. Nope. He. is. not.

Liam rests his face in in Zayn’s hair and tightens his grip around him sending butterflies to play in Zayn’s stomach and his head to spin. He buries his face in Liam’s neck and enjoys the smell of citrus and something like home and just simply Liam. He’s not sure how long they stand there just hugging but soon their names are being called and Niall is demanding they bring over a bowl of crisps to celebrate him kicking Harry’s arse in baseball so they reluctantly pull away, both sporting stupid grins and join the rest of the boys.

Liam does sleep over that night. Zayn tried, he really did but he couldn’t bring himself to say no when Liam asked. He looked so hopeful and Zayn denied him the night before, he just couldn’t do it again. He has no fucking control.


	8. chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I'm a pretty big procrastinator. I had this chapter done for like a week or so now I've just been putting off posting it. But It's posted now and I hope it's not a disappointment. Things are ganna start getting good soon. Or maybe bad? Depends on how you want to see it. 
> 
> Oh, whatever, the next chapter will be up soon most likely. It's already done but I still have to re-read and touch it up a bit and like I said before, I'm a pretty big procrastinator so who knows when I'll actually get to doing that. 
> 
> Anyway, go ahead and read now, hope you enjoy :)

Zayn’s woken up by the incessant ring of a phone and not the warmth of arms and he tries not to be bitter about that. He sits up in an empty bed and blindly reaches for his phone that’s resting on the beside table. He doesn’t bother looking at the caller ID, only slides to answer, presses it to his ear and gives an irritated and snappy, “What.”

“Now is that anyway to treat your fake trophy girlfriend?” Perrie’s accent rings through the phone and he tries his best not to be annoyed because she’s doing him a favor but fuck, she woke him up.

“Where did the ‘girlfriend’ come from? Pretty sure we didn’t discuss that.” Zayn points out, letting out a yawn and stretching his back causing it to pop and crack and he cringes at the unpleasant sounds.

“Just threw it in there. Thought I was a good touch. I mean, you should definitely introduce me as your girlfriend at the wedding anyway.” Perrie points out and Zayn shrugs his shoulders though he knows she can’t see. He drawls out a “Sure” before yawning again.

“You’re still sleeping? It’s noon.” She asks in disbelief and Zayn snorts.

“It’s like you don’t know me at all.” He tries to mock hurt but he has very little energy right now, what with those constant bad dreams he’s been having. They’re really fucking with his sleep schedule.

“Okay sleeping beauty.” Perrie says chuckling and what’s with everyone calling him sleeping beauty? “Get your pretty little bum up and get dressed, we’re going dress shopping.” She informs him. Zayn groans and is ready to deny, tell her to give him a few more hours but Perrie’s clicking her tongue impatiently so he gives in.

“Fine. Just give me a few to shower and eat breakfast.” Perrie answers with a quick “Be there in 20. Be ready or I’ll drag you out in the buff if I have too” and Zayn chuckles before hanging up. He stands up, stretching again before dragging his feet to his closet to find something to wear. The weather is increasing to temperatures where he should be wearing shorts and short sleeves but those damn scars on his body wont let him. Instead he’s pulling on a thin red long sleeve that he roles the sleeves to just bellow the elbow to release some body heat. The scars on his forearms are not nearly as noticeable as the ones under his upper arms and plus he has tattoos all over them so if he just keeps his forearms out of plain sight he should be safe.

He grabs light blue skinnys, a pair of underwear and heads to the bathroom muttering quick “G’mornings” to the boys who are in the kitchen doing what looks like cooking but it doesn’t really smell all that fantastic.

Zayn takes a shower and when he gets out he dresses and styles his hair in his usual high quiff. He changes his rings from the tiny hoops to black studs and he throws his dirty clothes in the hamper before walking out.

“Where you going?” Liam asks from where he’s sitting on the couch, flipping channels aimlessly.

“Dress shopping with Perrie.” He answers dryly because he doesn’t want to go and Liam’s quick to turn fully and actually look at him. And no, Zayn’s breath does not hitch when he meets Liam’s deep brown eyes. Or maybe it does but can you blame him? Liam looks really good this morning.

“I miss when we where his only friends.” Zayn hears Niall sigh sadly and he breaks eye contact to see Niall drop his head onto Harry’s shoulder. Harry laughs and ruffles Niall’s hair.

“Dress shopping Zayn? You know, I didn’t peg you as the type to dress in drag but I don’t wear socks most of the time so who am I to judge.” Louis calls from the kitchen, smirking when Zayn turns to glare at him.

“I’m not the one dress shopping you twat. Perrie is and she wants me to go so I can give her approval on whatever dress she picks out.” Zayn explains, leaning in the kitchen doorway so he can speak to both ends of the house.

“She wants _your_ approval?” Liam asks with a frown and Zayn nods his head in response.

“Why is she buying a dress?” Niall asks from the recliner he’s now lounging in, sipping pop and his shoes kicked off like he owns the place.

Zayn shifts feet awkwardly and fiddles with the hem of his shirt. Maybe he should have just lied and said he was just going to Doniya’s house again. But then he thinks he’s been lying enough already and they’re all going to find out the truth eventually anyway so… “It’s for the wedding.” He mutters and when Harry asks him to speak up he groans and raises his voice.

“It’s for the wedding.” He says louder, tries to sound casual but he almost looses his shit when Harry comes towards the doorway, almost crashing into him and causing both of them to fall on their bums.

“What?” He asks, eyes wide and his hands grip both sides of the doorway as he crowds Zayn’s space.

“Well, I asked Don if Liam can bring a date and she said yeah and like, Niall’s going with El, you and Louis are obviously going together and so why shouldn’t I have a date?” Zayn defends, taking a step back because Harry’s really close. Everyone stays quiet and he looks around at each of the boys. Louis is tense, Niall’s sipping away his pop like the air in the room didn’t just get ten times thicker, Harry has his thinking face on and Liam just looks plain angry.

“I thought you too where just friends?” Liam says quietly, looking at Zayn with disbelief and Zayn honestly doesn’t understand what he said wrong that it has everyone- everyone but Niall- giving him the evil eye. If they’re upset about him bringing Perrie well, they’re going to have to deal with it. It’s not like she was his first choice anyway. He’d much rather have Liam be his date but that’s not going to happen so what the hell.

“It’s nothing serious.” Zayn tells them, not really answering Liam’s question. They are just friends but he’s not going to tell them that. He wants everyone to believe it’s a real date because he wants to prove someone wants him. He doesn’t want to look more pathetic and he doesn’t want to sulk. Perrie’s his friend and at least he’ll have a distraction from his one failed relationships with Lacey and his never-going-to-happen relationship with Liam.  
  
“Do you want it to be serious?” Niall asks and Zayn’s surprised he was even paying attention. Him and the rest of the boys turn to look at Niall but then they’re all looking back at Zayn expectantly.

“What’s with the fucking third degree? If you haven’t noticed, me and Perrie aren’t the ones getting married! She’s just my date to the wedding! I don’t know why you’re all so invested in my love life!” Zayn shouts, ticked off and patience growing thin. What the fuck did he do wrong?

“So now she’s part of your love life?” Liam questions and Zayn turns to look at him in disbelief. Is that the only thing he heard out of all of that? Liam’s raising an eyebrow at him waiting for an answer and Zayn holds back the urge to punch him because he can’t. He can’t punch his Liam, he should punch himself for even considering it.

“And when the hell did I say that? Jesus, I’m leaving.” He snaps and turns around to head for the door. “Unbelievable.” He mutters before slamming the door shut behind him. He swears he hears Harry’s voice once the door is shut yell something like, ‘Why the hell didn’t you tell him?” and for a quick second he’s curious who he’s talking to and what he meant but his curiosity quickly evaporates and he stomps off towards the elevator again.

He standing in the elevator with some couple who can’t keep their hands to them fucking selves and it’s annoying so when his phone vibrates he’s glad for the distraction. If he had to see the guys hand squeeze her arse again or that girl brush her hand on his dick one more time he was going to be forced to close the elevator doors on his neck. He pulls out his phone, not bothering to check the caller ID-a bad habit of his- and puts it to his ear.

“Hello?” He huffs because he’s irritated with everybody and he doesn’t want to deal with anyone on the phone.

“Zayn-” The voice starts and Zayn recognizes it immediately but to be sure he takes the phone off his ear and looks at the caller ID.

Liam it reads, accompanied with a picture of the boy grinning wide and doing some weird thing with his eyebrows that Zayn finds way more adorable then it probably is. His anger melts away almost right away because he can’t stay mad at Liam. It’s like a law or something.

“Hi Liam.” He cuts off, his voice holding less annoyance now. The couple finally notice his presence and he holds back a snort when the girl winks at him. Fucking horny teenagers. He’s not up for a threesome with complete strangers.

“Hey, Zayn. I uh… I just wanted to apologize. We were being nosy pricks.” He tells him and Zayn smiles a little and turns his back to the couple who are now no longer touching but listening to his conversation. Some fucking people, where the hell is their floor anyway?

“Yeah, you guys were.” Zayn agrees and he can’t help it if his smile widens when Liam laughs. The sound just makes everything better.

“Can you come back?” Liam asks. Zayn can hear a few shouts from the other lads in the background, them telling him ‘get the fuck back here, we’re not done with this conversation’ which was from Louis and Liam replies with a ‘Shut up, Lou!’

“I can’t go back, Perrie’s coming to pick me up. She’s probably outside now.” Zayn sighs into the phone and he’s about to speak again because there’s a sudden silence that makes him shift uncomfortably because it seems like Perrie’s a touchy subject with the boys right now-for some fucking reason that is beyond him- and maybe he shouldn’t have bought her up.

“Yeah… yeah, okay. So, we’ll see you later?” Liam asks but it sounds forced and maybe more uncomfortable then he was a moment ago.

“Course.” And they say their goodbyes even though Zayn wants to shout _‘No! Don’t hang up! I like hearing your voice Leee-yuuum! Love me!’_ and stay on the phone forever but the elevator finally opens on the main floor and Perrie’s sitting on one of the seats, reading a Cosmo.

“Took you long enough.” Is all Perrie says when Zayn steps in front of her and she grabs his hand and drags him outside and to her car.

“So, tell me about this ex girlfriend. Why is she inviting you? Who broke up with who? Did you guys have sex?” Did Zayn ever mention that Perrie knows no boundaries? He shifts in his seat, looking away from Perrie because he’s feeling very uncomfortable about the subject.

“W-we are not talking about… that.” He tells her and he leaves her no room to argue. And she doesn’t, she obviously understands from the tightness in his tone that he truly doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t want to talk about anything that involves his old life because Perrie’s actually really easy to talk to and he doesn’t want to slip and tell her something that she really shouldn’t know. It’s just, he’s been holding everything in for so long because he never really had anybody to talk and now it’s becoming increasingly difficult to keep secrets when he’s basically living with 5 insane but caring guys instead of the one he actually signed up for and now there’s Perrie who’s slick and overly curious. He feels like it’s only a matter of time before he slips up and that terrifies him.

  
~

  
Zayn’s never really been shopping with a girl without shopping for himself too. He snuck out of his foster home on a few occasions-which earned him a few punishments as well- and went with Lacy shopping but that normally ended with them both in a dark dressing room and a lot less sexually frustrated. He’s never been actually ‘shopping’ with a girl and he’s quickly discovering it’s fucking _boring_.

All he’s doing is sitting in some brown leather bench in a huge dressing room surrounded by mirrors while Perrie changes dresses in one of the stalls and every time she comes out in a dress he has to give his honest opinion before she goes and changes again. It’s incredibly boring and torturous and he doesn’t plan on ever doing this again.

“You are so treating me to dinner for this!” Zayn calls out from where he’s laying across the leather bench, feet crossed and arms behind his head.

“Hope you like greasy burgers and old fries then!” She calls back and Zayn chuckles. “Okay, I think I found the dress.” She steps out and since Zayn’s a guy and still likes girls he can actually say if they weren’t friends-and he didn’t know how much of an annoying twit she is sometimes- and he saw her at a club or somewhere dressed like that, he would most likely try something with her. He likes the dress, a lot.

“That’s it.” Is all he says and Perrie squeals an “I no!” followed by a “I look sexy!” And he can’t really deny that. She’s got nothing on Liam though.

~

  
Perrie does just as she promised, treats him to greasy burgers and old fries that actually taste pretty delicious. They bought the dress and now they’re doing something Zayn can actually find joy in, eating.

“Okay, so I want to say something” He says after swallowing some salty fries.

Perrie sips her soda and says, “Okay, well on with it then.” and sets her burger down to give Zayn her full attention and he’s not sure if he wants her full attention or if he’d prefer for her to be focusing on her food so it would be easier.

“I just wanted to thank you again for, ya know, agreeing to pretend date me for the wedding. It means a lot.” He tells her shyly, eyes never leaving his food as if it’s the most amazing thing his eyes have ever graced.

“Oh, no need to thank me. Like I said before, I’m happy I can do my part in making your ex and Liam insanely jealous.” Perrie tells him, wiggling a fry in his face so he can look up at her again.

“Per, my ex wont be jealous, she’s getting married and Liam… Liam most definitely wont be either. You have to like someone to be jealous.” He tells her and tries to hide the sadness in his tone with a dry laugh. He’s feeling uncomfortable with the subject change and shoves his burger in his mouth so he can focus on something other then the painful truth.

“Are you fucking blind or that daft? He does like you, Zayn. Fucking _gone_ , he is.” Zayn stiffens for a short second before he shakes his head because that’s so far from the truth and he shouldn’t even allow himself to think about the possibilities. Liam doesn’t like him, he can’t and that’s the way it always will be. Liam would be crazy to like someone like Zayn.

Perrie narrows her eyes and leans over to swat his hair but he quickly dodges her hands so she wont mess up his quiff. “Stop thinking so much. Liam does like you!” She tries again.

“Perrie, please don’t, that impossible.” He mutters and takes a sip of his drink because he really doesn’t want to have this discussion. It’ll only end with him all sad and brooding for the rest of the day. “Can we go, I’m done.” He questions, pushing his empty plate away from him. Perrie gives him a concerned look that he tries not to scuff at, before nodding her head and waving down the waiter for the bill.

  
~

The boys kept trying to talk to him about Perrie when he returned home. All of them except Liam. Harry pulled him into his room, Louis dragged him into the bathroom and even Niall tried to talk to him in the kitchen but Zayn didn’t want to hear it. He doesn’t understand why they’re all so against him bringing Perrie to the wedding. He thought they liked her, Louis and Perrie are practically partners in crime now for christ sake and Louis seems like he’s the one who’s mostly against the whole thing. It’s all just really annoying and confusing and he didn’t expect any of this when he came up with the idea. He’s tempted to tell Harry what his plan is but he’s to nervous and scared that Harry would get mad and/or tell everyone and that would be painfully embarrassing so he doesn’t say anything.

Zayn’s laying flat on his back on his bed, tossing a small purple ball up in the air and catching it with his hands because he’s bored and his thoughts are to rampant to focus on the movie playing on his TV or the sketch book resting next to him, page blank and unused.

There’s a knock on his door and he sighs because it’s got to be one of the boys here to discuss the whole ‘Perrie and the wedding’ thing. Honestly, if they’re so upset about it then they don’t have to go to the wedding. He’d like that better anyway. They wont hear him sing and there will be a better chance of him keeping his secrets if they don’t go. “Come in!” He reluctantly calls, not letting his eyes drift from the ball.

“Hey.” Liam says with a smile. Zayn bites back his own smile and wills the frantic thumping in his chest to slow the hell down. He mutters a ‘hey’ back and continues throwing the ball in the air.

“I wanted to talk to you about-” Liam starts, taking a seat on the edge of Zayn’s bed.

“Perrie?” Zayn cuts off, anger seeping through his bones again. “I don’t want to talk about it. I made my decision. I honestly don’t understand why you’re all so upset about it.” He narrows his eyes and throws the ball with a little more force.

“I-we just think-”

“Drop it, Li.” He snaps but quickly composes himself when Liam kind of deflates. He’s such an arse sometimes. “Sorry, I just- I don’t want to talk about it.” He looks at Liam with pleading eyes for him to drop it and he tries to sound convincing but Liam sighs and he swears he hears a “You never want to talk about anything” but he lets it slide. He can’t get mad at Liam for being truthful.

Liam frowns, obviously not buying into his shit but eventually he nods his head and shimmies higher up the bed until he’s lying next to Zayn, pressed to his side. Zayn tries to ignore the way his body warms where Liam’s arms and legs meets his but it’s burns. He continues tossing the ball into the air, trying his best not to turn his head and just fucking kiss Liam already because he’s just so damn close and for the most part he’s successful at controlling his temptations. Just, why does Liam have to be so close and make this so hard for him?

“Can we do something tomorrow?” Liam suddenly asks, breaking the silence that fell between the two and almost causing Zayn to loose control of the ball but he manages to catch it just before it could crash into his face.

“Uh, yeah, sure. What do you have in mind?” He tries not to sound nervous but he is. He hasn’t really done anything with Liam in a while, at least not alone. He stops throwing the ball, instead settling on turning and shifting it with his fingers.

“Well, I have yet to buy an outfit for your friends wedding and I assume you haven’t bought anything either so you can come with me, you know, if you want.” Zayn bites back the bitter, _‘Why don’t you ask your little girlfriend or boyfriend to go with you’_. He can see from his peripheral vision that Liam turned his head and is now looking at him expectantly but Zayn doesn’t look back, not trusting himself to actually be so close to Liam’s face without doing something stupid and ruining everything.

“I actually already bought my outfit.” He answers.

“Oh.” Liam responds, voice quiet and he sounds a little disappointed.

“I’ll still go with you though, if you want,” Zayn quickly adds to his answer because he doesn’t want Liam to be disappointed.

“Brilliant. See you tomorrow then.” Liam says much chipper then before. He climbs off Zayn’s bed and walks out the door and Zayn takes that as an answer to the question lingering in his mind. Liam isn’t sleeping over tonight and he doesn’t know if he’s happy or sad about that. Maybe both.

He gets a text from Doniya that night about the wedding to tell Zayn that Lacey changed her mind about the singing. Zayn was excited at first, chanting thank yous to nothing until Doniya sends in another text to tell him that Lacey wants him to sing for her and Oliver’s first dance instead and then he’s back to moping because he’d really rather not sing at all.

It’s rather difficult to sleep that night in bed alone but he manages.

~

Zayn doesn’t know why he agreed to this. Fucking stupidest plan he’s ever agreed too. It was easier shopping with fucking Perrie because he’s not in love with Perrie and he doesn’t want to do anything sexual with her but Liam on the other hand is a completely different story.

Zayn’s sitting in another dressing room in another store on another fancy leather bench and giving Liam opinions on the outfits he tries on. He can’t even elaborate on those opinions though like he’d like too because Liam will probably get freaked out when Zayn talks about how that shirt makes his arms look delicious.

So far he’s seem Liam in a green button down and pair of to big grey slacks that they both laughed at because he just looked ridiculous. Then a purple button down and a pair of to tight slacks that had Zayn almost drooling at the way it showed off a little to much. Liam’s in the dressing room right now putting on another outfit while Zayn sits and waits and wills his semi to go away. He doesn’t need Liam seeing that.

“I think I like this one.” Liam calls to him before stepping out and yeah, Zayn likes this one too. A lot. Liam’s wearing a tucked in dark blue button down that stretches nicely across his broad shoulders and chest and he’s wearing black dress pants, a lot like the ones Zayn has but the fabric looks softer and Zayn’s pants are a bit tighter around the thighs and calves considering they are a slim.

“What do you think?” Liam asks, standing in front of the big mirror and looking himself up and down. “I’d do me.” _I would too_ , Zayn thinks and almost squeaks at how the thought came way to naturally.

Liam wiggles his eyebrows and Zayn laughs, mostly to distract from the semi that decided now was a great time to come back.

“It looks g-good. I like it.” He knows he’s blushing and his leg is jiggling because he’s nervous as fuck and Liam laughs again.

“Me too. And it’s blue, Danielle is wearing blue. Guess we’re matching.” And it’s like a cold hard slap to his face. Danielle? Is that his date? So it’s a her? And that’s her name? Shit, it’s like all positive emotions are sucked from his body and he’s only left to sulk but he manages to force a smile when Liam looks at him and pretend like those words didn’t cut him up inside.

“C-cool. Me and Perrie are wearing red.” He decides to mention because if Liam wants to bring up his fucking date then Zayn can too. Two people can play this game even if one of them isn’t even aware of the game. Even if this isn’t even a game. Whatever, Zayn’s just not having it, okay?

“I’m going to change.” Liam announces suddenly, fiddling with his collar and walking into his previous changing stall and Zayn’s left wondering what the hell that was about. Well, at least his semi is gone. It was gone as soon as Liam mentioned Danielle.

  
~

  
Zayn wants to go home, he’s not in the mood to be around Liam after what happen. He’s annoyed and bitchy and can’t stop thinking about Danielle. He can’t help but wonder if she’s beautiful and smart and kind and everything Zayn’s not. He hates her already. Though he has no reason to. Liam likes her so he should stop being an arse and suck it up. But he just can’t help but envy her because she has Liam’s attention and his interest while Zayn’s stuck in the friend zone. But whatever, friend zones better then nothing, he guesses. It just sucks. He doesn’t even want to go to the wedding anymore but he has to for so many reasons and they all out weigh his bitterness and jealousy.

Liam decides they should go bowling and since Zayn isn’t the one driving he has no choice but to go. He’s never even been bowling. How the hell would he find time to go bowling while living in a shit hole foster home. He’s going to suck and he’s going to embarrass himself in front of Liam. This is going to be a complete disaster.

“Come on Zayn! It’ll be fuuuun!” Liam insist and he’s literally pulling Zayn by the arm and into the building.

“No it wont! I’ve never been bowling! I’m going to embarrass myself in front of everyone in there!” He argues but as soon as they enter he notices there’s barely anyone inside there and Liam sending him a victory smile that he snorts at.

“Looks like you’ll only be embarrassing yourself in front of me.” Liam says and Zayn groans because that’s even worse. They walk up to the front desk and ask for a pair of bowling shoes. They give their size and the man returns with the shoes and tells them which ally is theirs. The two boys walk over and switch converse for ratty bowling shoes and Zayn’s regretting every second he’s in here. He watches as Liam types their names on the keyboard before he leaves to pick out his ball. They’re all insanely heavy but he manages to find a green one that’s an acceptable weight for him.

“You’re up first.” Liam tells him when he walks back over with the ball in his hand. He groans.

“Are you really going to make me do this?” He tries his best to pout but Liam’s not having any of that apparently because he’s snorting and pulling Zayn towards the lane.

“I’ll help you.” Liam offers and Zayn wants to deny because he doesn’t need fucking help, he can figure this out on his own but then Liam’s arms are wrapping around him and his hands are resting above his own on the ball and he’s tossing all thoughts of protest out the window. Liam’s chest is literally pressed against his back and he can feel everything and he’s blushing, he knows it but he still doesn’t push Liam away.

“All you have to do is focus.” Liam starts, words barely above a whisper and his breath is tickling Zayn’s ear and shit, the act sends bolts straight to his groin. “bring you arm back like this.” He whispers in his ear again and Zayn’s eyes shut for a moment as he tries to remember how to fucking breath. This is not an accident, this is on purpose. Zayn’s more then sure that when teaching someone to bowl you don’t have to be this close or whisper in their ear or have your hand on their stomach or fucking sport a hard-on. Because Liam is and has all of that and it’s driving him fucking crazy. He’s about to let lust take over his mind and just turn around and fucking smash his lips to Liam’s without a single fuck given when something catches their attention. Thank god.

“Well what do we have here?” And why are those words and that voice so familiar. “This certainly isn’t the first time I’ve caught you two in such a compromising position.” Zayn turns abruptly as soon as he recognizes the voice and the ball that was placed between his and Liam’s hands drops to the floor with a loud _thud._

“W-we’re just bowling.” Zayn answers quickly, panic rising in his chest but he does his best to put on a straight face as he bends down to grab the ball from the floor.

“If that’s how it is bowling with Liam then you should have invited me.” Louis winks at them before his eyes drop to their crotches and he looks up with a smirk. “This is bloody precious.” He laughs and Zayn’s quick to place the ball in front of his bulge.

“What are you doing here?” Liam speaks for the first time, or more like snaps and he’s obviously as annoyed and maybe embarrassed as Zayn is.

“Well since you and Zayn were off lollygagging me and the lads thought I’d be fun to go bowling, little did I know I’d unknowingly stumble upon the opening of softcore porn.” Zayn gapes at Louis and his face is impossibly hot. Liam reaction isn’t as bad as Zayn’s-probably since he’s known Louis longer and maybe expected something like that to leave his mouth- but Liam’s obviously embarrassed and uncomfortable too.

“Louis, babe, what size are you?” Harry-thankfully- calls from the front desk. His eyes land on Zayn and Liam but he doesn’t seem surprised to see them.

“Oh darling, I think you know what size I am!” Louis calls back with a wiggle of his eyebrows and a hip thrust. Harry only rolls his eyes in response.

“Louis, no sexual innuendo in my presence. Just tell us your damn shoe size!” Niall shouts from where he’s standing next to Harry. Zayn, realizing they can go like this forever, walks back to towards the seats and places the ball down and sits down on the red plastic seats. Liam follows after him and takes the seat next to him but he’s not close, there’s at least a foot of distance between them. And even though Liam’s not pressed against him anymore Zayn can still feel the burn on his back and the breath on his ear and cheek. He quickly pushes the thoughts away though when he realizes it probably wont help his situation both here and down there.

Louis decides it would be fun for all of them to bowl together and restarts the game to add him, Harry and Niall into the game. Zayn wasn’t to bad at bowling either. He got a few gutters but at least he came in fourth, beating Harry who’s more clumsy then graceful. They had nachos, pizza and sodas after the first game and soon started a second game in which Zayn improved on but still only took fourth. But he still takes pride in that. Harry claims it’s first timers luck but Zayn claims Harry’s a sore loser.

Mid-game Louis even goes as far as whispering “Looks like Liam’s lessons came in handy.” and following it with “I’m sure they’ll _come_ in _handy_ later too.” and winking at him causing Zayn to flush furiously when he figures out what Louis meant and push Louis’ face away from him with a, “Jesus, Lou. You fucking perv.” Which he only laughed at.

Zayn and Liam exchange awkward byes and he drives home with Harry and Louis because Liam is going home and Niall hitches a ride because they don’t live to far from each other.

He spends half the night yelling internally at himself for being so stupid and the other half wondering what the hell actually happened and what it all meant. After deciding it was nothing and he shouldn’t get his hopes up, he falls into a restless sleep with vivid, inappropriate dreams. And for once, he’d rather be having one of those terrible nightmares then have a wet dream about one of his best mates.

 

He’s a bitchy, terrible person living on 3 hours of sleep, a pack of cigarettes and 4 cups of coffee at work that morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So was that shit? I hope not. But let me know what you think pleeeaaase :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I'm not making anymore promises. I keep saying I'll upload the next chapter soon and I didn't because I'm a major procrastinator. But lets toss that to the side because chapter nine is finally here! Plus it's by far the longest chapter so I hope it satisfies you all.
> 
> enjoy :)

It’s the morning of the wedding and Doniya texted Zayn at 9am to tell him to get dressed because apparently he has to be at the wedding extra early to rehears the song a few times and help her deal with setting things up because she just _‘doesn’t have the damn patience for all of this’_. So Zayn texts Perrie, tells her to get ready and drive over here so she can drive to the wedding with him and Doniya. She bitches at him for a few minutes because it’s _‘to early to function’_ and even though he completely agrees he doesn’t let up and eventually she gives in.

He grabs his clothes, tip toes to the bathroom and folds his clothes neatly on the lid of the toilet before stripping and stepping inside the shower with music playing from the small radio he bought the other day. The hot water steams the bathroom and massages his skin and he’s feeling a lot better and a lot more awake then he did just moments ago as he hums quietly to the music echoing off the walls. He’s always loved taking showers. They clear his head, help him think and the pounding water feels nice on his skin and muscles. And of course he loves stepping out and feeling clean and refreshed but everyone loves that feeling don’t they?

Zayn steps out, towel dries his body and his hair before styling it in it’s usual gelled quiff-he really should be doing this with clothes on- but Zayn got a haircut the other day and the sides are almost shaven and the quiff is a bit shorter then before, more soft and flowy then sticking up high and spiky but it looks really fucking good if he can say so himself.

Zayn digs through the bottom sink cabinet till he finds his deodorant and his ‘special events’ cologne that he will spray on himself after dressing himself. And call him a girl or not but he likes to have smooth skin so he grabs the nearest lotion and applies it to his body. Zayn switches his black studs to little gold hoops and shaves all the scruff off his face. He rubs his hands over the smooth skin and glances at his reflection. He looks clean and younger then before without all the short hairs along his jaw and upper lip.

Zayn unfolds his clothes and he pulls on black boxer briefs followed by his slim black slacks then a silky red button down. He leaves the first two buttons undone to show a little of his lips and wings tattoo because why the hell not, and rolls his sleeves just bellow his elbows- because that’s like his thing now. Zayn tucks the button down into his pants and tugs at it a bit so it hangs a little loose before slipping on black socks, his black leather dress shoes and his small silver necklace with the pendant that Louis says looks like a penis but everything looks like a penis to Louis. And Zayn can only give one piece of advice, never eat a hotdog in front of Louis unless you want penis jokes and teasing thrown at you for the next four days.

Zayn sprays the cologne and gives himself a once over-four times- in the full body mirror that hangs on the door before deeming himself presentable and walking out the bathroom. He’s expecting Louis and Harry to still be asleep but he’s far off and finds them sitting at the table with Liam and Niall eating eggs and toast and why the hell don’t they ever wait for him to eat breakfast?

“Zayn? Is that you?” Louis gasps dramatically and stands from his seat to stare at him. He shifts a little uncomfortable when they all turn and kind of gape at him. Does he really look that good? He was going for handsome, maybe he over did it a little. Or maybe something’s wrong, maybe there’s something on his face or a stain on his clothes or his haircuts shitty or he looks bad without the scuff or.. Or.. Or he’s going to fucking pass out.

“You clean up really well.” Niall blinks his eyes a few times as if he’s imagining things. And Zayn’s not sure if he should be offended or not. “He means, you looked great before but now you’re like walking sex!” Harry adds and Zayn flushes immediately.

“Um, thanks… I guess?” He ends with a question. He stands there unsure of what to do, no ones speaking, Liam hasn’t said a word-he’s barely uttered a word to him since the whole bowling incident- and he doesn’t know what to say himself and he’s not sure if he’s grateful or mortified when Louis decides to break the silence.

“Zayn looks hot doesn’t he Liam?” And now it’s Liam’s turn to flush and his eyes stop skimming Zayn and instead falls instantly to his food. The air between them becomes awkward and he really doesn’t want to just stand there so he settles on walking towards the kitchen for something to eat with trained eyes following his every movement.

“Wait, why are you even dressed so early?” Harry calls after him, eyebrows scrunched in confusion.

“Doniya’s said I have to be at the wedding extra earlier for… stuff, so she’s coming any minute to pick me and Perrie up.” And speaking of which, he should probably text Perrie and see if she’s on her way. He fishes his phone from his pocket but as if on cue there’s a knock on the door. Harry goes to answer but Zayn’s quick to step in front of him and tell him he’ll get it and to go finish his breakfast.

When he opens the door he grins wide and impressed because Perrie looks amazing. She’s wearing a strapless red dress-and it’s funny because they didn’t even plan to both wear silk- that plunges in the back. The dress ends just above her knees and it's tight on her curves but it does loosen towards the end, probably so she can actually walk properly. She’s wearing silver jewelry- dangling earrings, a long necklace and a bracelet on her left wrist- and a silver jeweled clutch-don’t ask how he knows that. The heals she's wearing are high and look like they'd be difficult to walk in but she looks to be handling it without a problem.

  
Perrie’s hair is normally down and flowing just past her shoulders but it’s pulled into a fancy bun with strains of wavy hair falling and of course she’s wearing red lipstick and dark eye makeup, when is she not? Zayn'll admit Perrie looks sexy but she can't even hold a candle to Liam. Sorry but it’s the truth.

  
“Are you going to stare all day or let me in?” Perrie teases with a smirk and a wink, Zayn just brushes it off his shoulder and steps aside. She walks past him, bumping her hip into his playfully.

  
“I’m not even sorry. You look amazing.” Zayn compliments and someone snorts from not to far away but he can’t be bothered to turn around and check who.

  
“Me? Look at you Mr. Walking Sex.” She wiggles her eyebrows and circles him like a vulture and he’s the prey. “That’s what I said!” Harry shouts to them causing Zayn and Perrie to laugh.

  
“I’m starting to think I’m the lucky one.” Perrie says and obviously checks him out but only in a friendly teasing way.

  
“You are the lucky one Per! Zayn could have done much better.” Louis shouts and nudges at Liam but Zayn doesn’t dwell on the action, Louis is stupid and Liam would have never agreed to go to the wedding with him. And if anything, Perrie can do much better then him. That’s why she only agreed to go to the wedding with him as his fake ‘trophy’ date.

  
Perrie flips him off before they walk further into the apartment and settle at the table with the rest of the lads. They chat for a few minutes, well everyone but Liam who wont even meet Zayn’s eyes and it’s really annoying and frustrating actually. He wants to stand up and demand that Liam just fucking look at him already but he doesn’t, instead he stops his attempts to catch Liam’s eye and texts Doniya to see when she’ll get there. She responds for them to head downstairs, that she’s outside now so Zayn and Perrie say their goodbyes to the boys-If you can count muffled words, puffed cheeks and eggs falling from Niall’s mouth as a goodbye- and Zayn leads her downstairs with a hand on her exposed back.

  
Perrie meets Doniya and they immediately hit it off and Doniya tells Perrie that she already knows about the plan, that she’s the one who initiated it and Perrie gave her kudos for her ‘creative/evil’ thinking. When they arrive at the wedding hall Zayn explains that he is singing for the bride and grooms first dance and Perrie laughs and tells him he can’t sing. Zayn tries to tell her he actually can and she asks for proof so he tells her she’ll get it.

  
And she does an hour later when the small stage in the corner where the DJ will be after he sings, is set up. She gets proof from 12pm till 2pm when he finally thinks he’s got it down and when Doniya tells him he was perfect. He gets down and Perrie practically swoons and tells him straight out that if he wasn’t so in love with Liam that she would have definitely been all over him right now.

  
Zayn and Perrie help Doniya and the wedding hall employees set up the brown chairs that they cover in a fancy white cloth and tie a gold bow to. He helps lay out the white runway and set up the flowers and the little area where the bride, groom and priest will be standing. They dim the lights and set up candles along the room and gold fabric drapings along the walls.   
The reception room is much of the same with the gold drapings and the white clothed chairs and the also white clothed round tables. They set yellow and white flowers in vases in the center of the tables and scatter mints and chocolates around them. Zayn sets the place cards where they belong according to the chart but being the little fuck he is, he cheats a little and sets him, Perrie, the lads and their dates together at one of the bigger tables. He’s sure nobody will notice and if they do and give him shit about it, well what’s done is done right? He helps set up the newly weds table, makes sure it’s perfect before they dim those lights as well and set off a nice golden, warm glow to the room. He’s proud with himself when they finish around 4:30 and he thinks he wouldn’t mind doing something like this again.

The guest should start arriving in a half an hour but he texts Harry and tells him and the lads to come down early anyway.

When they arrive Zayn’s nervous as fuck because he’s finally going to see what this Danielle chick looks like and his stomach is twisting in knots. Perrie tries to calm him with soothing touches but then the car arrives and they pile out and Zayn wants to burying himself under 50 feet of dirt when he sees Danielle.

She’s beautiful. Tan, tall and skinny with curves and dark long, curly hair that bounces when she walks and big lips and dark brown eyes. She’s wearing a tight spaghetti strapped, dark blue satin dress that ends mid thigh and she has long shapely legs and her heels are black and high as fuck and she’s fucking clinging to Liam like her life depends on it.

“Shoot me. Shoot me now and put me out of my misery!” Zayn pleads to Perrie as they get closer. His heart is in his stomach, his mind is telling him _‘of course Liam has a beautiful girlfriend. Told you he’d never want you’_ and Perrie is rubbing his shoulder sympathetically and leaning up to peck his cheek.

“It’s going to be fine, that girls got nothing on you.” She tells him in a determined voice but Zayn shakes his head frantically and looks at her with wide, sad eyes.

“It’s easy for you to say. You’re into guys not girls and girls like her are the definition of walking sex for us guys. I’ve got nothing on her.” Zayn tells her dejectedly but then she’s nudging him softly and he’s forced to put on a smile because the lads are close enough to see his facial expressions. He doesn’t want to give anything away even if wearing this fake smile that doesn’t reach his eyes is the hardest thing he’s had to do in a long time.

They do there introductions and Zayn forces himself to smile and be nice and compliment Danielle. He thinks he did a good job considering the gloomy cloud over his head and the twisting of his vital organs and the creative insults firing towards Danielle in his head. He’s always been good at keeping a stoic expression, hiding his true emotions even when it’s painful. And nobody questions him so he’s pretty sure he’s fooling everyone.

They all walk inside but Harry pulls him from Perrie’s grasp and they walk behind everyone.

“You’re a good actor but your not fooling me. I see how you’re looking at her, like you want to rip that curly hair from her scalp and shove it down her throat.” Harry basically deadpans because that’s pretty much what he’s been thinking for the past five minutes.

“I don’t know what your talking about.” Zayn tries instead because he doesn’t want Harry to say anything about him being an insanely jealous prick right now. He’s already brooding as it is, he doesn’t need Harry telling him he has no right to be jealous because he knows that and he already feels guilty as it is.

“You do and just so you know, when you choose to murder her I’ll help you. She’s bloody annoying the way she never leaves Liam’s side and her laugh is so obnoxious.” Harry sneers and this makes Zayn feel a load better.

“God, I know.” He agrees, an exasperated sigh escaping his lips and Harry laughs, throwing an arm around his shoulder as they walk quickly to catch up with the rest of the group.

  
~

  
It’s a beautiful wedding and Perrie wouldn’t stop mentioning how her and Zayn did all the work though she barely did anything at all. They laugh and shake their heads at her when she mentions it for the 6th time, all except Louis who tells her to shut her ‘bloody mouth’ and that ends with a lot of bickering between the two. After everyone’s ushered out of the room, they’re standing outside the hall chatting, waiting to congratulate the newly weds who are talking with guest before they and the bridesmaids and grooms men head off to take pictures.

There's a tap on Zayn’s shoulder mid sentence and he tries not to get pissed because he was talking and he turns around and comes face to face with a Lacey who's just as beautiful up close. He wants to fucking run for the hills but he doesn't. Instead he puts on the most real smile he can muster and hopes no one can see through it. Harry might because somehow he can see through Zayn now.

"Zayn! Wow, great to see you! You look great. I'm so glad you came.” She grins, eyes lighting up like fireworks.

“Oh, hi Lacey.” He forces a grin. “You look beautiful.” He complements and Lacey grins wider.

“Thank you. I'll be honest though, I didn't think you'd actually come after... ya know, everything." She confesses with a sheepish smile.

"No, of course I came, its your wedding. No need to let old bones ruin a special occasion." He tells her with a forced light and friendly tone.

"Yeah, as long as you know I'm sorry. Doniya told me she told you why I br-" And Zayn’s eyes widen for a quick second and he cuts her off quickly.

"Lacey, that was years ago. I'm over it. Can we talk about something else?" He asks as kindly as he can because he really doesn't want to melt into a puddle of embarrassment right now. Lacey smiles and nods her head, black curls bouncing on the side of her face. He takes a moment to take her in, she’s definitely changed throughout these two years. Her black hair is longer, stopping mid back and her green eyes are bright with the happiness he could never bring her. Lacey’s only shorter by an inch but without the heels he’s sure he’d have some height over her. Her pale complexion is a bit tanner, probably from the sun or maybe she got spray tanned for the wedding, he’s not sure but it looks nice. Gives her a sun kissed glow. And the dress looks beautiful on her, diamonds and all tight on the breast and waist and flowing out from the hips down. She always did say she wanted a wedding dress like this one.

"Sure, why don't you introduce me to your friends?" She asks sweetly, breaking him from his thought and right, Zayn came here with other people didn't he?

"Okay, Lacey this is Louis-" he starts but is not to surprised when he's cut off. Again.

"You look gorgeous. Beautiful dress, I want to wear one like that when I get married but I’d like it more poofy at the bottom." Louis tells her and Lacey looks at him incredulously. Anyone who knows Louis would know that he was joking, only being an arse but Lacey doesn’t know this and Zayn’s not surprised when she takes it literal.

"Ignore him." He tells her, rolling his eyes. "That's Harry, they're together. This is Niall and his date Eleanor. And that's Liam and his date..." but then he stops short because fuck, what was her name again? He didn't bother remembering it, It’s not like he planned on even speaking to her at all so why bother learning her name, right?

"Danielle." Liam’s date says, sounding a little annoyed and it takes all his will power not to rip her head off but he does glare at her briefly and wish that looks could kill because then she’d be mangled on the floor by now.

"Right, Danielle." And Zayn should get a fucking metal for not gagging in disgust when her name rolls off his tongue. It’s vial and he never wants to hear or say that name again. That name has forever been tainted with hatred and removed from his vocabulary for as long as he lives.

"You're missing one." Lacey tells him looking to his right and he turns to see Perrie standing there with an eyebrow raised at him and a face that screams you-fucking-prick-how-could-you-forget-your-trophy-date.

"Shit, how could I forget. Lacey this is Perrie, my date." Perrie’s smile looks a bit forced and he’s not sure if it’s because Lacey or because Zayn forgot her existence for a full minute. But in the end she extends a friendly hand and politely shakes Lacey’s own.

"Lovely to meet you." Perrie says releasing Lacey hand almost as soon as they touched as if it had burned her or something.

"You too. Glad you could make it." Lacey replies with a genuine smile.

"How did you to meet?" She asks looking between Zayn and Perrie. And Perrie takes the question but she’s romanticizing their meeting at the bar, making it sound a lot more intimate and sexual then it was and they're going to have to plan a funeral after this because Zayn's pretty sure he's going to fucking drop dead when Perrie talks about the way their hands brushed together and shit. He shuffles uncomfortably and someone clears their throat, he doesn't know who but he's fucking thankful because it stops Perrie mid sentence.

"Oh I'm sorry, I get carried away when it comes to this one." Perrie giggles and loops her arm through Zayn’s. She rest her head on his shoulder and pats his flat stomach with her other hand.

"Right.” Lacey says a bit slowly and sounding like she’s trying to process what just happened. “Well my limos here, I should really find Oliver. Ill see you at the reception, yeah? Have you been practicing the song?" Lacey asks, now looking at Zayn instead of Perrie.

"Uh, yeah. Got it all memorized. Don't worry." Zayn tells her suddenly a lot more nervous and uncomfortable then he was moments ago and he wasn't sure that was even possible.

"I'm not worried at all. I trust you. Anyway it was nice meeting you all but I should really be going." She waves before pulling Zayn into a slightly awkward hug-or at least it was for him- and leaves.

"What song?" Liam’s the first to ask and he expected questions as soon as Lacey mentioned it so he’s not all caught off guard but he is surprised at how annoyed Liam looks.

"Oh, its nothing." Zayn waves it off and hopes they'll drop it. Perrie squeezes his arm excitingly and gives him a I-know-what-she-meant look that has him rolling his eyes but smiling fondly.

"What ‘old bones’?" Niall asks and Zayn's confused at first but after racking his brain for a few seconds he remembers and quickly dismisses it.

"Nothing, it’s not important. I think we should head off to the cocktail room though, ya know, while we wait till its time for the reception.” Zayn tells them. “Lord knows I need a drink." He mumbles the last part before taking Perrie's hand and walking off towards the room not to far from here with the bar. He can hear the lads following not to far behind him and it does nothing to calm him.

"Liam is so jealous. He's been shooting daggers at me all day and I swear if looks could kill I would be decimated already. Ya know, he even cleared his throat when I was talking about your arse to shut me up." Perrie giggles into his ear.

"Perrie, I highly doubt all of that. And he only cleared his throat because you started going into detail about how tight my jeans where around my arse and it was making everyone uncomfortable." He whispers back.

"But it is a nice arse." Perrie defends and even finds it necessary to slap his bum and causing him to yelp in surprise and swat her hand away from his assaulted body part.

"He is jealous, whether your just ignoring it or your that fucking daft, he is. And your jealous of Danielle too." They’re entering the room, Zayn opening the door and letting her in first before they make their way to the bar.

"Oi, bugger off, Perrie." He snaps and takes whatever blue drink is sitting on the counter. He finishes it in a few gulps and loves the way it burns down his throat and takes his mind off today's events momentarily.

"You’ve been pouty all day. You’re jealous!" Perrie smirks. Zayn scuffs and looks around the cluttered room till his eyes fall on Liam who is making his way over with a tight smile.

"Subject dropped, Liam's coming." Zayn hisses not breaking eye contact with Liam. He tries not to get lost in Liam’s smile and his gelled hair and the scruff along his jaw and upper lip or how the first two buttons on his shirt are undone now, much like Zayn’s but shit it’s Liam and major skin is being revealed and making Zayn want to claw at his own eyes because Liam’s exposed chest is just so strong and tempting. After realizing he’s staring Zayn forced his eyes to meet Liam’s again and why does Liam have to be so bright and stunning.

"Splendid, I think ill go make conversation with Danielle." She says with a certain... well the only way he can describe it is evil, tone in her voice. And before Zayn can reach out and tell her not to leave him alone with Liam she's gone. Fuck.

"Hey." Liam greets him as he grabs a drink and turns so his back is resting on the bar counter like Zayn’s and his shoulder pressed to Zayn’s and really? Is this necessary Liam?

"Hi." He responds as casual as he can before taking a sip of his new cream colored drink. Zayn not close to being a drunk mess yet but he has a nice buzz in his system right now. It’s somewhat distracts him from Liam and the lack of between them distance.

"Where did Perrie run off to?"

"Said she wanted to talk to Danielle." He decides he deserves more then one metal for resting the urge to cringe when Danielle's name burns his tongue and twists his stomach.

"Really? I didn't think she liked Danielle." _She's not the only one_ , he thinks.

"They look to be getting along to me." Zayn shrugs his shoulders and takes another sip of his drink because he needs something to do before he starts fidgeting.

"Are you sure? Perrie looks like she wants to maim her." _I'll help_ , he offers internally. His eyes drift to Perrie and Danielle and he resist the urge to laugh.

"No, she always looks that murderous." He jokes. Perrie does look like she wants to kill Danielle. She's tense and the grip she has around her drink is so tight her knuckles are white and it looks like the glass will shatter any second now. At least he knows him and Harry aren’t the only ones that hate her now.

They fall into a silence-well not really silence, there's tons of people around chatting and drinking- and Zayn’s throat feels like its closing and its fucking hot in here.

"Do you like Danielle?" Liam asks suddenly and Zayn’s thinks he prefers the silence over that question. He doesn't want to lie but he can't tell the truth. He can't just scream _‘that skinny, frizzy haired bitch! No no no no! She is the bane of my existence!’_ Because that would give everything away. And Liam seems to like her so Zayn’s not going to ruin everything by telling the truth. Liam would hate him and he doesn't want that. Its better to have Liam as just a friend then not have him at all.

"She seems… nice." He chooses to say instead and tries to muster up a believable smile though its painful as fuck and its not reaching his eyes and all he wants to do is stomp over there, bash her head into a table and run away with Liam. Why couldn’t things be like it was hundreds of years ago when two people can duel for someone’s love because Zayn could totally kick her arse.

"Yeah." Liam says sounding slightly disappointed and Zayn thinks maybe his smile wasn't big enough to convince Liam or maybe that wasn't the answer Liam was hoping for. Maybe he should have been more enthusiastic or something but shit, it was hard enough to force a happy mask all day when really all he wants to do is sulk and crawl into ball and sleep his problems away.

"Zayn, listen-" Liam starts and turns to face Zayn but he's cut off when Perrie dashes behind Zayn in a state of panic.

"She went to bathroom. Don't let her find me! Save me from that _beast_!" Perrie hisses as she peaks over Zayn’s shoulder and her eyes search the room. Zayn laughs and leaves her to her hiding place. He would be hiding too if he was her.

"Sorry, you wanted to say something?" Zayn asks, turning his attention back to Liam who is looking at the floor and tapping his fingers along the glass cup he’s holding.

"No, it doesn’t matter. I’ll just go." And Liam’s quick to grab another drink and walk across the room to where Danielle has just returned from the bathroom. Liam gives her the drink and she kisses his cheek and Zayn wants to vomit all over the floor. Or on her and her stupid, tight blue dress.

"Your pouting." Perrie points out and she's removing herself from behind Zayn and standing in front of him with her hands on her hips.

"And your drunk." He retorts though he knows she’s barely been drinking. He just didn’t know what else to say.

"Am not. I'm like this naturally. Isn’t it endearing?" She smirks at him and takes his drink from his hand. "but you’ll be drunk if you keep up like this. That's enough blue shit for you."

"Okay, mum. Lets go, Its 6:30 and time to leave to the reception." He grabs Perrie's hand and they walk to the lads and their dates to tell them its time to leave. He wants to cry from anger when Liam asks to hitch a ride with them to the reception because it’s cramped in Harry’s car and it’s not like he can just say no.

He has a death grip on the steering wheel and the radio turned up loud but he can still hear Danielle’s incessant giggling and the windows are open but he can still smell her cheap, fruity perfume. He thinks if he sticks a knife into his heart it would hurt less then it does right now. He wants to throw himself out the car but he doesn’t, only makes conversation with Perrie and flirts back because he knows she’s just trying to make Liam jealous and even though he knows it’s not going to work, it’s still comforting to think it will.

When they arrive Zayn practically dives out the car and almost shouts “Freedom!” at the top of his lungs. He doesn’t, just takes Perrie and rushes inside and finds their table. He almost regrets sitting them all together but he decides he wouldn’t want to Liam and Danielle sitting somewhere else where he can’t keep an eye on them. He actually does regret sitting Danielle with them though. He should have sat her at the children’s table across the room. But he bitterly thinks, what’s done is done right? How ironic.

They’re all sitting at the table, Perrie on his right, Liam on his left and Perrie’s leaning into him and Liam’s brushing their knees together and fuck, Zayn doesn’t know what to do. He’s been chewing on chocolate bars and fiddling with the table cloth in silence for at least 10 minutes now before the DJ clears his throat into the microphone and begins to speak. Zayn’s not sure if he’s thankful for the distraction or recentful because he knows what’s coming.

“At this time I’ll like to ask everyone to face those front doors as I introduce for the very first time, Mr. and Mrs. Oliver Johnson!” The front door burst open as Lacey and her new husband, Oliver, throw their locked hands in the air and do these weird dances as they make their way towards the dance floor. Everyone’s cheering and clapping, some standing while others, like Zayn, are put in their seats.

“Everyone please be seated, it’s time for the newly weds to share their first dance.” Lacey and Oliver walk towards the center of the dance floor and everyone who were standing take their seats again. “Now everyone please give a warm welcome to Zayn Malik.” The DJ announces and everyone starts clapping as Zayn stands up, adjusting his shirt and stepping away from the table.

“Where are you going?” Liam asks. Zayn hesitates a little before walking off towards the stage, ignoring the questions and curious eyes following him. His hands are shaking furiously when he finally reaches the stage and he’s pretty sure his heart will stop any moment. He grabs the microphone with one hand and the skinny pole with the other, his eyes closed and taking deep breathes when the band starts to play.

Zayn’s throat is tight. He hesitantly opens his eyes and he’s sure the color has faded from his skin but then his eyes find Doniya’s and she’s nodding encouragingly at him. He tries to remind himself that nobody will be paying attention to him, they’re all focused on Lacey and Oliver. He’s only singing. He’s in the background and only fucking singing. Not a big deal. So when his cue is close he closes his eyes again, listens to the piano keys and the gentle thump of drums. The beat is much softer then the original song, keeping the mood close and intimate.

Zayn’s lost in the beat but when the chimes sound, signaling him to start he opens his mouth and allows his voice to flood out smoothly.

_if we lived forever_   
_time will never change how we love_   
_no river can run between us_   
_you're never alone_   
_I'm yours til I'm gone_   
_the beat of my heart is for you_   
_and this drum can make us dance till the day it stops_   
_we can toast and celebrate us until the end of time_   
_this page is the beginning_   
_our book is never ending_

Backup singers sing softly behind him, quiet and careful not to drown him out and Zayn finds himself giving into the song, no longer fidgeting, relaxing into the lyrics as his heart steadies and he’s looses himself in the higher notes.

This is what Zayn’s always loved about singing. Being able to forget his surrounding and just surrendering to the lyrics and the beats and his feelings.

_I believe in you and me_   
_we can be legendary_   
_the best story ever told_   
_the biggest book ever sold_   
_we should be on broadway_   
_I want the world to know_

He loves being able to throw his everything into a song he’s passionate about and it’s a plus that he’s not a shit singer. But that’s besides the point, Zayn just loves singing. It’s reminds him a lot of when he’s painting. It’s just relaxing and powerful and he can forget everything, all his problems just for the short amount of time that he’s sucked into his work or absorbed into the song he’s singing.

The background singers stop and leave the last few lyrics to be sang only by Zayn.

_I am for you_   
_I just want to love you_   
_I am for you_   
_I just want to love you_

He hits the last note, stretching it, his voice bouncing softly and ending with the a last press of a piano key. He takes a deep breath, eyes still closed as he remembers where he is and finally opens his eyes at the sound of clapping and cheering. It’s overwhelming in a bitter sweet way and he gives a quick, nervous shout out to the bride and groom before walking off the stage as fast as he can without running and looking like an idiot.

His pulse is racing again and he’s silently praying that the world will crack open and he’ll be sucked into a dark hole because that would be better then facing everyone.

He regrettably retakes his seat as Perrie throws her arms around his shoulders with a squeal.

“Jesus, Zayn! That was better then rehearsals!” Perrie laughs before removing her arms and sitting back in her chair.

“I was ready to drop my panties!” Niall adds, a wide and enthusiastic grin on his lips. Zayn can’t help but laugh.

“Niall, you don’t wear panties.” Perrie points out, face straight though Zayn can make out the slight twitch of her lips.

“You don’t know what I got. And that’s besides the point, we have our own male Beyonce!” Zayn flushes slightly and shakes his head. He’s really not that good for christ sake.

“I told him he had a brilliant voice!” Doniya adds, a grin plastered on her face. “He didn’t think he was good enough. Bullshit I tell you!” She continues with a snort. Zayn shifts in his seat awkwardly, uncomfortable from the weight of the compliments. His eyes drop to the suddenly very interesting marble floor and he refuses to meet anybodies eyes because then he’ll probably die from humiliation.

“Zayn, you cease to surprise us. What, can you fly too?” Harry questions, tone a bit playful but he has a serious expression as if he believes Zayn might actually have powers. His bright green eyes are sparkling and focused on him and Zayn wants to hide under the table.

“He’s a bloody angel! You little shit!” Louis throws his hands in the air for dramatic effect before lowering them and gazing at Zayn in awe. It just makes him even more uncomfortable and Zayn knows he’s blushing a nice shade of pink.

“Z, that was- you were amazing. You are amazing.” Liam breaths and Zayn finally looks up to find Liam staring at him as if he just fell from the heavens and did something incredible like cured cancer or stopped world hunger. Zayn suppresses the need to look away from the intense staring session and he’s finding himself entranced in the warm eyes staring into his own. But then there’s a loud cleared throat and he breaks from his trance and quickly looks away, another blush flooding his cheeks. He silently curses Danielle because she’s the one who cleared her throat and now she’s snuggling up to Liam with an innocent smile-though Zayn’s pretty sure he can see the twitch of an evil curl of her lips- and wandering hands. It makes Zayn sick and he finds himself scooting over a little and leaning on Perrie, a frown gracing his lips while she rubs his neck.

Lacey comes over a few minutes later to thank Zayn for singing and commend him on his voice and how much he improved since he use to sing to her. Everyone tosses him odd looks but he ignores them and listens to her when she says how pleasantly surprised she was. Zayn could see the glint in her eye, the one telling him that she was reliving memories in her mind so he thanked her for inviting him and asking him to sing before kindly shooing her away before she could say anything else.

She leaves and food is passed out. Zayn eats in silence while the rest of his ‘little group’ chat amongst themselves. They try to incorporate him many times in the conversation but Zayn’s just not into it. He’s annoyed with all the people walking up to him to complement his singing-he doesn’t like the attention- and he’s angry and irritated with fucking Danielle and her bad habit of touching Liam all fucking over. He’s sure if he sees her hand on Liam’s thigh one more time he’s going to spill his wine on her head and punch her in the boob.

Zayn’s patience is just running thin and he doesn’t want to loose hair from stressing out over this so he decides to look around the room, admire his work and try to distract himself from Danielle and her squeaky giggles that are damaging his ear drums. But then his eyes fall on two bodies in the distance and he swears his heart drops to his feet and the color drains from his face. All he can do is sit there shocked, eyes almost popping out his sockets, mouth gaped and fingers gripping his seat tightly because he feels faint and he knows if he releases his grip he just might fall out of his seat.

“Zayn, mate, you alright?” Harry asks, leaning across the table to wave a hand in front of his face and breaking Zayn from his trance. He rips his eyes away from the source of his distress and sets them on Harry.

“Yeah, you look like you’ve seen a ghost… or just something equally disturbing.” Niall adds and that’s when everyone turns to look at Zayn and his heart is thumping so loud he can hear it in his ears and he’s sure anyone within a two foot distance can hear as well. He’s pretty sure his heart is either going to leap out his chest or stop functioning all together.

“I-I need… _fuck_.” He groans and rubs a hand over his face. “I’ll be back… or not. I-I don’t know. _Shit_.” And then he’s pushing back on the chair and standing up, ignoring the surprised looks and scanning the room for his sister. He finds Doniya near the cake and cautiously rushes over there while keeping an eye on the two people he’s trying to escape.

“Doniya, I need to speak to you right now! In private!” He whispers harshly and grabs her hand. He maneuvers them around tables and dashes past his own and out the room doors and into a family bathroom all in under one minute.

“Care to explain why you made me run into a bathroom in 5 inch heels and a dress?” Doniya snaps angrily but then when she notices the distress in Zayn’s tone and how he looks and feels like he’s going to be sick, her tone quickly shifts. “Zay, what happen?” She asked now concerned.

“They’re here. They are fucking here!” He shouts, eyes rimming with tears because he’s suddenly so scared and he doesn’t know how to handle this. He was never suppose to see them again.

“Who babe, who’s here?” Doniya rest her hands on Zayn’s shoulders and her eyebrows scrunch in confusion and Zayn didn’t think she was this stupid.

“Who the hell else would have me freaking out like this? Them! My fucking foster parents!” He yells, pulse racing at an unbelievable speed and he’s pretty sure he’s going to faint if it doesn’t chill the fuck out.

“Shit.” Her eyes widen. “Shit, I didn’t know they’d be here, where are they? Where’d you see them?” Doniya rushes out, panic evident in her tone.

“They were talking to Lacey by the newly weds table but when I grabbed you they were gone. I… I don’t know where they are now.” Zayn explains his own panic threatening to just give him a heart attack right there. “What do we do, D?” And he feels like a child with the way his voice is small and helpless.

“Okay, just breath. Don’t get yourself in a tizzy now, I’ve got this under control. We’re going to go get your friends and we’re going to leave before they see you.” Doniya tells him, grabbing his hands and pulling him towards the door.

“No! No Doniya! Don’t make me go out there! Please I can’t.” Zayn begs, voice cracking as he pleads and resist her tugs. He backs up until he’s pressed to a wall.

“Yes you can Zayn. You’re a big boy, they can’t do anything to you. Specially here in a public place. And anyway, if I try to get your friends to leave on my own they wont go. I’m pretty sure Louis will laugh right in my face that little fucker.” Doniya tells him. “Don’t worry, I’m going to be right next to you.” Zayn nods his head and reluctantly lets himself be pulled out the bathroom because Doniya’s right. They probably wont even listen to him. His damn friends.

Zayn’s jumpy. Any little noise makes him flinch or jump and he’s pretty sure at one point his heart literally stopped beating. He’s sure he was legally dead for 3 seconds.

They make it to the table and he does his best to compose himself so nobody will question him on why he looks like he’s being held at gun point.

“We’re leaving.” he announces and they all look up at him and laugh as if he just made a joke. His blood begins to boil because fuck, if he’s found because they didn’t want to leave this damn wedding then they might as well call an ambulance right now.

“Leaving? It’s only 8 and the wedding doesn’t even end till midnight.”

“Yeah, we didn’t get to eat dinner yet either. I can’t live on those shitty appetizers!”

“We didn’t even get cake!”

“Yeah and did you see that chocolate fountain? Don’t tell me you don’t want to dip your head in that thing!”

“Niall, you have some serious issues.”

They’re all shouting reason why they need to stay and Zayn’s patience and bravery are both growing thin so he slams his hands on the table hard causing the dishes rattle from the impact.

“We’re leaving!” He snaps. The lads and their dates immediately stop talking and stare at him in shock. Zayn’s never raised his voice like this, or lost his temper. His nose is flaring, his fists are gripping the white cloth and his face is hot and he’s fucking angry right now. Angry and admittedly scared.

Harry stands up slowly and nods his head. “Okay.” He surrenders, looking at Zayn with worry and Zayn closes his eyes and lets out a relieved sigh, dropping his head into his hands for a quick second before turning around and…

_Smack_

There’s a collective gasp around the table but Zayn doesn’t register is. Not yet. All he can register is that he’s been slapped across the face. Hard. And his face stings but he can still handle the pain even if he hasn’t felt it in months. He can register that there’s going to be a red mark on his face and it’s by a very familiar hand and he knows, he knows right away what just happen. He wasn’t quick enough.

They found him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *cue dramatic music*
> 
> Oh god, I'm sorry. I had too! That last part wasn't even planned, I just got the idea and I had to follow through on it. Don't hate me yet, you can have me next chapter, okay?
> 
> Anyway, anyone wanna guess what'll happen next chapter or anything? Bet you have no idea, hehehehe :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god I'm pissing myself! I literally had a dream last night that one of my lovely readers commented that they hated this chapter. They were nice about it but I still wanted to go back and remove the chapter lol and I'm not ganna say who it was so don't ask. I hope I don't disappoint.
> 
> Also, I can’t remember if I gave Zayn’s foster parents a name and I’m to lazy to go back and check so I’m just giving them random names now.
> 
> And I must give you all a warning that this chapter contains,
> 
> Violence and the use of the F word, not fuck but the one that is offensive and I had to force myself to type because It's mean and I hate that word. So yeah, if you don't like violence and the offensive F word then you should just turn right around.
> 
> But anyway, enjoy :)

Zayn stands there for a minute, his face slowly returning straight and his eyes screwed shut in fear. He takes a deep breath, listens to the gasps and hesitantly opens his eyes and he’s terrified at the sight. His foster father, Ruben, stands there, hairy face and broad shoulders dressed in a dingy suit and smirking down at him (Zayn might be tall but he's child size in comparison to this man).

Next to him stands his foster mother, Betty and her appearance is almost as disturbing as her husband. Grey thinning hair, dull eyes, red blotchy face and a worse beer gut then her husband. She’s smiling down at him as if her husband didn’t just assault an 18 year old boy in public and he’s not the least bit surprised. And he's sure, though Doniya has never witnessed his abuse first hand, she's not to surprised either but his friends on the other hand, now they are. This is all new to them.

“What the fuck was that!” Liam shouts, shooting up from his seat with such speed Zayn's surprised the chair and table didn't flip over from the force. Zayn eyes widen and he turns just as fast and rest his hand on against Liam’s chest to keep him from charging forward. Such a nice chest too. _No Zayn! Not the time_ , he mentally scolds.

“It’s okay, Liam.” He tries but Liam’s boiling and his eyes are sharp and trained at the man responsible for the stinging sensation on Zayn’s face. Zayn can't help but feel tiny and powerless standing between these two men. They can both take him so easily and that tells him maybe he should start hitting the gym if he survives this.

“Did that actually just happen?” Louis asks, eyes wide and mouth hanging slightly open.  Zayn turns, looks around and notices they’re all standing now and he knows they’re angry. He can see it in Harry tense jaw, in Niall’s wild eyes, in Louis clenched fist and Liam’s just, everything. Perrie and Eleanor are busy gaping at them and Danielle, well he doesn’t give a flying fuck about her. She’s the least of his damn problems right now.

“Hello Zayn. It’s nice to see you again.” Ruben interrupts and Zayn winces at his tone, it’s so cold and sharp and he’s remembering every time he’s heard it echoing in his ears while he was being punished in both real life and his nightmares.

“We just arrived and we're so delighted to see you made it.” Betty says, her voice no better. It’s a raspy from years of smoking- a bad habit they share- and dry. Zayn pulls at his colar though it's already loose but it still feels to tight, he feels like he's choking and he just desperatly needs to get them out of here.

He can tell that they’ve both been drinking. Not only from the reek of beer in their breath but because they just hit him in public. They would never do that if they were sober because of the risk of being caught. When they were drunk-which was almost all the time-they didn’t give a shit.

“Zayn, love, who are these people?” Perrie asks causiously, finally standing hesitantly from her chair and next to him, close and protective though he knows she can only do about as much as him but Zayn appreciates the thought.

He bites his lip nervously but doesn’t meet her eyes. He doesn’t meet anybody eyes. His own are set on the floor in both fear and embarrassment.

“Oh, you have a girlfriend now?” Ruben asks, mock surprise and eyebrow raised, a smirk playing at his lips. Zayn panics, a bad feeling rising in his chest and he tries to deny quickly before Ruben can speak again. His mouth is open but no words are coming out. His throat feels like it's being squeezed and he can't breath right. “I thought you were a fag.” Ruben spits with disgust- though Zayn's pretty sure Ruban's a little bit gay himself- and that’s when shit snaps.

“Hold the fuck up…” Louis hisses, fists balling at his sides and he actually lunges foward but doesn't make it far due to Harry grabbing his shoulders and him slammming into the table that he must have forgotten he was standing in front of. "Fucking table. Who put this bloody thing here anyway." Louis mutters, rubbing his injured knee.

“Did he-” Niall starts, pointing at Ruben. "Did he just-" he looks between Zayn and Ruben but he can’t seem to wrap his head around what’s going on and he stops short, eyes continuing to flickering between Zayn and his foster parents. Zayn's pretty sure Niall might be scarred for life, the poor boy probably doesn't even know anything about abuse.

“Whoa, wait, what did you just call him?” Liam growls and takes a step towards his foster parents and Zayn can see the look in their eyes, the gears turning in their heads and he knows this wont be pretty so he quickly steps in the line of fire again. Cheesy but he'd put inself in the line of fire for Liam anyday.

“You better handle your little friend boy. Wouldn’t want anything to happen to him now would you?” His foster father warns, a smirk on his face and he cracks his knuckles, each crack making Zayn flinch and suck in a breath. “Tell him and the rest of your little petty friends you’ll see them later. We want to speak with you.” And Zayn’s eyes are growing misty and an unpleasant chill shoots through his spine.

“Liam, please sit. You and the lads just stay here. I-I have to go but I’ll… I’ll be back.” He chokes out and pushes Liam gently but forceful and with a purpose till he’s no longer close to his foster parents and close to danger. Zayn reluctantly turns around and nods at his foster parents and he knows when he comes back-if he even bothers to come back- he’s not going to be in tip top shape. He's about to walk off but Doniya grabs his elbow, stopping him before he can even take his first step.

“Your not-” She starts, hands shaking with nerves and there's tears in her eyes. Zayn hates himself for making her cry, for putting himself and everyone else in this situation. He doesn't want to have ask Doniya for any favours right now but Zayn removes her hand from his elbow gently, presses his lips together to stop the trembling and speaks.

“I-I have to D. If I don’t go with them they’ll do something here, in front of everyone. They might even try to hurt you lot. I can’t let that happen.” Zayn pleads with her in desperate whispers, trying to make her understand. “It’s the right thing to do, you know it.”

“But we can stop it. You have all of us here.” Doniya tries to reason, trying to make him change his mind but he can’t. He knows he has to go.

“I don’t want to put anyone in harms way. You out of everyone know what they’re capable of. Plus I can’t risk them saying anything to the lads about past. Please just let me-” but Zayn’s cut off by a tight-extremely tight- grip on his stomach and his eyes squeeze shut, a whimper escaping from between his lips.

“Let go! You’re hurting him!” Harry yells and tries to rush forward but Zayn shakes his head quickly and looks at him with pleading eyes and he silently prays Harry will understand. And Harry does, he reluctantly stills and Zayn sighs in relief because if Harry tried anything he'd be in more pain then Zayn is in right now.

“Are you coming?” his foster mother asks, trying to sound sweat as if she’s not leaving bruises on his stomach with her bony fingers and pointy nails.

“Y-yes ma’am, I’m… I’m c-coming.” Zayn forces out, feeling like he's 16 again and back in that foster house, referring to the people that are suppose to care for him as ma'am and sir and being punished for slightly overcooking the eggs again.

The pressure leaves his body when Betty releases him. He lets out a relieved exhale and turns to Doniya again, taking her panicked face between his hands. “Keep them here and if they ask questions just… just make something up.” He pleads in whispers before planting a kiss on her forehead and turning around to follow his foster parents out of the reception room and ignoring all the wondering looks everyone in the room are shooting him and the calls of his name. He’s pissing himself and his eyes are a blurry mess but he knows he can handle whatever it is they plan on doing to him. Zayn’s dealt with the abuse for years, he can take one more day. He’s strong, he’ll be okay. He’ll get through this.

Zayn knows he could have easily avoided all this by not coming or at least manning up and telling the lads about his foster parents so then he wouldn't have to worry about them saying anything if he choose not follow them outside but it's to late now. He has to do this to protect them and his secrets. This is horrible karma for keeping secrets, isn't it? Or maybe it's horrible karma for trying to escape when it's clear they'll never let him whether it's finding and hurting him in his wake or haunting him in dreadful nightmares.

They’re outside, it’s dark already and the area is full of parked cars, beautiful water fountains and neatly trimmed green grass and bright stars but Zayn doesn’t have time to take in all of the beauty because he’s shoved into a solid wall and someone’s forearm is pressed into his neck. He gasps and opens his eyes and they fall onto his foster father’s stubbly, smirking face. Ruban grips Zayn's button down and slams him into the brick wall again causing the back of his shirt to tear on the sharp edges and cut his back. The back of his head is harshly colliding one to many times with the brick wall and he feels like a rag doll being tossed around carelessly.

“Thought you could just up and leave? You didn’t even say goodbye Zaynie. That hurt.” Betty uses a sweet and mock hurt tone that would might have made him feel slightly bad if she where anyone else and he couldn’t hear the venom in her words and see the hate in her eyes.

She lifts her hand and her long, sharp finger nails press to his cheek and slowly slide down forcefully. It takes a lot of his strength not to cry out in pain when the nails break skin. It takes even more strength not to scream when a hard blow meets his ribs. His ribs burn and feel like they’re tearing when the pounds continue. He falls into a fit of painful coughs when Ruban finally quits assaulting his ribs. He tries to breath but it hurts to much and the air has been swept from his lungs. He’s left gasping and clutching his ribs and blinking back tears so he wont cry in front of them.

Zayn’s been through this enough to know he has a few sprained ribs. The tender feeling and the pain is to strong to be simply bruised and he’s had sprained ribs before so this is all to familiar. It’s a fucking shame that he can give himself an instant diagnostic without a doctor checking him out first.

“We expected to see you here though. We were so excited. We even bought a little friend with us. I’m sure you’ll remember um.” Zayn’s foster dad pulls him from the wall and slams him one more time, his head slamming painfully with bricks, causing his ears to ring and his vision to blur for a moment. Then the fist in his shirt is removed and his wrist is being twisted backwards. He tries to bend with it to lessen the pain but his ribs refuse to move that way without causing him serious pain so he stands as still as he can and again he has to muster up enough strength to keep the screams trapped in his throat.

“Just take this as a going away present, boy.” His foster mother says before grabbing something from her husbands back pocket and Zayn does remember it, he recognizes it immediately and he gasps, his eyes widen in fear when she pulls it back. When the leather meets his clothed skin the fabric breaks and he finally lets out a scream that he couldn’t hold in any longer. He feels liquid leaking down his arm and it’s quite obvious he’s bleeding a lot. It’s disturbing how this all feels so familiar.

She brings her arm back again and Zayn prepares himself for another impact but after a few beats the leather never meets skin and the hand gripping him by the neck is removed. He gasps for air and his knees give out immediately causing him to fall to the cold cement floor. Stabbing pains shoot through Zayn’s body and his ribs burn and throb furiously so he uncurls from his side slowly till he’s laying flat on his back so the pain will reduce at least a little. Zayn doesn’t open his eyes, he can’t. He’s to scared that when he does open them his foster parents will be standing in front of him with their signature smirks and looking at him proudly, like they’ve done a good job at fucking him up, like they’ve created a masterpiece of sprained bones, leaking blood and scattered bruises. He’s knows it’s not done though. He knows it’s not over till he’s out cold and laying in his own blood.

Cold liquid leaks around Zayn’s head and he feels faint and _Almost over,_ becomes a chant in his head but every passing second of nothing becomes more suspenseful and another wave of fear floods his body when a hand rests on his cheek-the one that’s not bleeding. He flinches immediately and bites his lip, ready to take whatever they dish out but this hand is different, it’s softer and it’s gentle, barely touching him as if they’re scared too. Zayn wants to open his eyes, he really does so he can see who it is but he’s still fucking terrified.

“Zayn?” And he knows that panicked voice and he doesn’t know whether to be happy or upset that Liam’s out here. He’s embarrassed for sure because of his condition and he doesn’t want to open his eyes and see Liam looking at him like he’s some kind of fucked up mess, looking at him with pity. “Zayn? A-are you okay?” Liam chokes out and Zayn wants to yell no, he is not in fact okay and ask him if he’s fucking blind or something. Wants to point out how dizzy he is, how his ribs feel like they’ve been snapped in half, how his arm and head are seeping blood and he's feels like one giant bruise but Zayn finds himself attempting to nod instead.

“I-I’m fine.” Zayn forces out because he doesn’t want to worry Liam anymore. He wills himself to open his eyes and when he does there’s blinding lights that do nothing for his developing headache but they’re not normal lights, they’re red and blue and for the first time he becomes aware of the loud sirens.

“W-what’s going on? Why… why are you out here? I told Doniya to keep you guys a-away.” And the sentence literally takes the wind right out of him, his chest rises and falls rapidly as he tries to breath without wanting to cry and he doesn’t think he’s capable of forming another full sentence like that one for a little while. Not until he can move and not feel exhausted.

“I’m sorry, Z but they wouldn't stay still and I was scared. I called the police as soon as you walked out. I… I couldn’t just let them hurt you again but I’m to late!” Doniya’s crying and she’s crouched by his side, holding his hand in hers. Zayn should be mad right now but he doesn’t have the energy to even care. All he can make himself care about at the moment is the fact that Doniya thinks this is all her fault and he wants to tell her so bad that it's not but he's just so damn tired.

“Again? This happened before?” Harry’s voice sounds next and Zayn comes to the conclusion that everyone is fucking out here and he would open his eyes again but those lights are to bright for him. His breathing is ragged and every breath hurts more then the last. He even tries to put off every inhale and exhale as long as he can to avoid as much pain as he can. Zayn feels a cough trying to escape his throat and after trying and failing to keep it down, he surrenders and coughs harsh and a bit violent, groaning and muttering a _fuck_ when jolts of pain run along his ribs and down his spine. He wants to cry so fucking bad, everything hurts so much but he can't. He has to be a man and one of the very few memories he has of his baba is that his baba always told him men don't cry unless it's for a very good reason. And the only reason Zayn thinks It was acceptable to cry was when he found out his mama and baba died.

“W-where are they?” Zayn asks, his voice quiet and weak and he’s surprised they actually heard him.

“The police drove off with them as soon as they pulled them off'a you. The ambulance is coming now.” Perrie explains. He can tell she’s crying by the sniffles and the way her voice cracks. She’s almost close to him too, he doesn’t know where but they're all close to him, closer then he’s comfortable with. He’d rather them be anywhere but here right now.

“No, I-I’m fine. No hospital.” Zayn tries to convince but as if on cue the throbbing in his head grows more rapid and he’s feels like the world is spinning around him. 

“Yes hospital you stupid fuck. Your all bloody and your wrist is like a giant swollen purple grape. Jesus, you look like your going to pass out!” Louis cries and Zayn snickers at him because Louis has quite the way of showing he cares.

“Wouldn’t be the first time.” He mutters to himself bitterly. “I… I’m okay. I just… I just need to sleep.” He admits in a whisper because he’s tired as hell and his soft bed and the clouds he calls pillows sound very nice right now.

“What did he say?” Niall finally speaks and Zayn was beginning to think the little irish lad was to tramatized to speak.

“No. No sleeping, Zayn!” Liam intructs sternly, ignoring Niall's question and putting his hands on either side of Zayn’s face. “Open your eyes. Now.” And Zayn does, well for the most part. They’re half open but that counts, doesn’t it?

“Good Zayn, now stay awake. You hit your head hard and your loosing to much blood from it. You could have a concusion. Don't sleep, not until the doctors check you out first.” Liam tells him, voice drenched with desperation and worry. Zayn wants to roll his eyes at him, swat his hands away, stand up and claim he’s fine, maybe even do a little dance to prove his point but he can’t even lift his head right now so that plan is pretty much impossible.

“Is he going to die?” A feminine voice asks. It’s not recognizable to Zayn and his eyes are slipping shut again so it's not like he can see who’s asking the damn question. He tries to snort and respond, even opens his mouth to tell this person he is not in fact going to die and that they sound stupid but no words come out. Instead he whimpers when a painful breath cracks a ribs. He feels like vomiting.

“No, Danielle he’s not going to fucking die.” Perrie snaps and yes, that’s who is was and Zayn can’t even roll his eyes to show his annoyance with the girl either and that pisses him off to no end. “Fucking moron.” She mumbles and Zayn ignores the hurt all over his body when he chuckles. It was worth it.

“Zayn just can sleep right now.” Liam adds a little softer then Perrie’s tone and Zayn’s really getting annoyed and pissed off right now. Not only with Liam still being kind to Danielle even after she sounded so delighted with the thought of Zayn dying but because they can’t decide what he does. If he wants to sleep then he mother fucking will. Concusion and coma be damned.

“Calm down, they’ve done worse. I can sleep, I’ll be fine.” Zayn insist, voice barely audible and he’s blaming it on the fact that he’s already slipping in and out of consiousness and not forming intelligent thoughts that he’s actually confessing something like this.

“For christ sake, where is the ambulance!” Louis yells, fustrated. “I swear to god if they don’t-” And sirens. More loud sirens that make his head thump harder and Zayn groans because it hurts but he’s fine and nobody believes him. It’s frustrating. They don’t understand that this was nothing compared to the stuff they’ve done to him before. He’s dealt with worse and even then he hardly went to the hospital. He only went to the hospital for broken bones-which he had more then he’s willing to admit. Doniya knows this, why is she letting this happen?

Strong arms are being tucked under Zayn and he’s being lifted from the ground and carried to the ambulance like a fucking child. “I can walk.” He snaps and tries to wiggle out of the arms of whoever the hell decided to pick him up but it hurts to move and they wont let him go. He’s being placed onto a stretcher and lifted in the truck and he hates how helpless he feels. Absolutely loathes it.

“I’m sorry, you all can’t fit in here.” A raspy voice-much like Harry’s but older and a bit more rugged- advises his friends and he can hear groans and protest- threats coming from Louis- but the man wont let up. Zayn’s a little thankful for that. He already feels to vulnerable laying here, cut up and bruised and on display. The last thing he needs is all of them in here with him.

“Then can I just go?” Liam questions, hopeful and Louis demands to come along but the man tells him only one at a time and to hurry up because they need to get ‘this boy’ to the hospital already.

“I’m a man.” Zayn finds himself muttering but nobody hears him and if he had the energy he would cross his arms and demand they realize that he is not a helpless child. But people are working on him, cleaning his cuts and bruises on his body and face, elevating his head and trying to clean that too but it’s hurts and Zayn finds himself wincing and trying to jerk his head away from the rough hands.

“You’re going to leave me, Liam?” A girl who he puts together is Danielle, asks, voice high and whinny. He can imagine her pouting and making grabby hands for Liam. Zayn thinks if his brain just stopped functioning altogether and they gave someone elses and he didn’t remember anything in his life then it wouldn’t be so bad. At least he wouldn’t remember his feelings for Liam and that stupid bimbo that’s been clinging to him all day.

And okay, Zayn’s changed his mind. He wants Liam to come. He wants Liam in here right the fuck now and if Liam doesn’t come in here and goes with her then he'll... he doesn't know. He'll probably just pack his shit and fucking leave to the fucking states or something because that would break his heart. Zayn knows he shouldn't hope that Liam will ever return his feelings. He's to much of a mess and to complicated. He's full of lies and his secrets have secrets but Zayn still finds himself hoping that maybe he's wrong and even though he's difficult maybe it is possible to be loved by Liam. By anyone. But if Liam doesn't get into this ambulance with him, stays back with her then he thinks Liam might as well scream “You don’t matter!” staright In his face.

“Yes Danielle, I'm going with Zayn.” Liam tells her sternly and he even sounds a little surprised as if he’s shocked she would even have to ask that question. Zayn tries to smile in victory but these damn people are touching him all over and putting some stupid mask over his mouth and that's nothing to smile about.

Zayn feels the ambulance shake and then hears the doors shut and the truck starts moving. A hand grabs his own and when he forces his eyes open he finds Liam sitting next to him and staring at him with wide, scared eyes. He tries to speak, tell Liam he’s okay but the words are muffled under that damn mask and he lets out a frustrated groan.

He feels a lot more dizzy and those people are moving around frantically, wrapping the gash on his arm to stop anymore bleeding and unbuttoning his shirt and opening it when one of them accidentally touched his ribs with their elbow and he let out a painful yelp. Zayn blinks his eyes and tries to keep himself awake but he’s weak and light headed and he can’t fight off the drowsiness so eventually he decides what’s the harm and gives up. The sounds around him fading out and the only thing he’s aware of before he slips into unconciousness is Liam’s thumb rubbing circles on his hand and the feeling of eyes boring holes in his skin.

 

~

 

Zayn’s eyes fling open, bright lights shinning in them as they search around the room frantically. Why the hell is he in a hospital? He tries to sit up but yelps when he barely lifts himself an inch and his whole body aches and sharp pain travels through his ribs and spine. He gives up and leans back into the pillows behind his head and winces when that hurts too. He lifts his left hand to rub at his head but it’s in a fucking cast. Shit, he’s just a mess isn’t he?

It's then that he remembers why he's in the hospital and everything that happened and he groans, running an uninjuried hand over his face. "Fuck." Zayn breathes out and sighs because everything's going to change now. _  
_

He tries to stretch his sore muscles but he can't move far because of these wires and he groans frustrated that he’s stuck in this bed with needles in his arms, the smell of disinfectants and anesthetic invading his nose and feeling like he’s been hit by a truck. A huge truck. A truck made of steel and sharp objects. He’s tempted to rip the needles from his arm and leave but that would not only get him in trouble with the nurses but probably hurt like a bitch too.

“Oh, your awake!” A deep voice pulls Zayn from his thoughts and he turns his head slowly because his head hurts and any fast movement will most likely not help. He sees Harry standing in the doorway, a huge grin plastered on his face but the sadness in his eyes is obvious. He rushes inside and takes the seat next to Zayn’s bed. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I was thrown into an mosh pit and trampled half to death by angsty teenagers.” Zayn responds tiredly, voice hoarse from lack of use. Harry chuckles.

“Well, there was no mosh pit or angsty teenagers but you sure gave the death thing a good try.” Harry jokes with a small smile but it’s not amused. He looks sad and like he hasn’t slept in days and that makes Zayn wonder how long he’s actually been in here.

“How-” he coughs and winces in pain. “How long was I out?” He asks, forcing the question out because his throat feels like sand paper. Harry uncaps a half empty bottle of water he was holding and hands it to Zayn and Zayn takes it greatfully, gulping down the contents, relishing in the way the cool liquid wets his dry mouth and sends relief down his sore throat.

“About two days. Liam said you passed out in the ambulance and you haven’t woken up since.” Harry tells him. Zayn’s surprised about the length of time he’s been unconcious but he’s been out for two weeks once so this is not really much of a big deal. He briefly wonders where Liam and the lads are-mostly Liam- but the pounding in his head sends the thought into a dark corner to be stumbled upon later on.

They fall into an easy silence after. Harry’s eyes are downcast and there’s a frown edged on his lips but Zayn doesn’t think much of it and reaches for the little remote that controls the beds elevation or at least he tries but his fucking ribs are just not having it. Harry must notice his struggle because he’s grabbing the little remote and handing it to Zayn with a weak smile and Zayn wants to scream because it’s only day one and he already feels like a perpetual child.

A nurse walks in a few minutes later, smiles when she notices he’s awake and changes his morphine bag when she sees that it’s almost empty. When it’s changed and the nurse adjust the IV in his left arm Zayn finds it much easier to breath and the pain in his body subsides a bit. She asks Zayn how he’s feeling, fixes the pins on the bandaged wrapped around his ribs and really, when did that get there? She changes the bloody gauze on his right arm and he winces at the long sewed gash on his upper arm. _Well there’s another scar to add to the collection_ , he thinks bitterly.

The nurse tells him she’ll inform the doctor that he’s awake before leaving. Harry’s lips are pressed together in a straight line and his eyebrows furrow as they trail along the surface of Zayn's arms, taking in the scars that are on display and Zayn shifts, uncomfortable with the exposed flaws and Harry’s eyes are snapping away, realising he's been caught-though he wasn't being very discreet- and he’s looking at the floor again. Zayn wants to say something, anything but Harry looks upset and he’s afraid if he says something wrong then Harry might get mad and yell at him about something... about everything.

“Liam’s going to be pissed.” Is what comes out of Harry's mouth moments before Zayn was going to snap and go on rambling about how sorry he is.

“Why?” Zayn asks, suddenly very invested in the conversation. Is Liam going to be pissed at him?

“Cause I made him go home this morning. He hadn’t left your side in these two days and he hadn’t gotten a proper rest either so I told him to leave. He put up quite the fight but I convinced him you wouldn’t wake up while he’s gone.” Harry tells him and Zayn’s stuck on the fact that Liam stood in the hospital with him for two days while he was unconscious. It sends butterflies straight to his stomach, overwhelming the pain and replacing it with flutters that makes him want to squeal a little bit. “So maybe you could like, pretend to be asleep when Liam comes back and then just like, wake up again. But try to make it believable."

“Liam really stood with me for two days?” Zayn asks instead, the question more lingering in the air then directed towards Harry. He’s surprised and finding it a little hard to believe that Liam would stay cooped up in this depressing hospital just for him.

“Yup, slept in this very seat and everything. But I mean, of course he left the room a few times but only to eat or use the loo quickly in case you woke up while he was gone. I even think he mastered taking a piss in under 3 seconds. But yeah, other then that he was here the whole time.” Harry explains with a small smirk. Zayn snorts, immediately regretting the action when his ribs ache and he turns to scowl at Harry as if it’s his fault.

“Well that’s stupid. He must be exhausted now. Really don’t understand why he’d do that.” Zayn says with a roll of his eyes though he’s actually pretty pleased with the new information. Not that he would admit that to Harry though he's sure he can. Harry knows he has feelings for Liam just, Harry doesn't know how deep they run. Nobody but Doniya and Perrie know and Perrie only knows for certain reasons that seem stupid and pointless now because that damn plan didn't even work (though he really only went along with it to humor the two girls).

“Oh god, you really are oblivious.” Harry snorts and Zayn opens his mouth to ask Harry just what the hell he means by that but then two rowdy boys are piling into the room holding balloons and candy and Zayn shuts his mouth because this seems like a conversation that would better be had in private.

“It’s awake!” Louis announces, stumbling further into the room. “We missed you!” He grins and drops a sloppy kiss over Zayn’s bandaged forehead before plopping himself on Harry’s lap. Louis is all smiles but there's a tell in the way he sits a bit tense and how concern flashes through his eyes when he takes in Zayn's appearance that lets Zayn know that Louis is anything but okay with this.

“We come with gifts!” Niall pipes up, holding out balloons and a bag of candy. "Harry texted, said you woke up so here we are." he explains. Zayn holds back a wince when he reaches forward to accept the gifts but Harry swats his hands away and pushes him gently back so he can take the balloons from Niall himself and tie them to Zayn’s bed railing then take the candy that he opens and begins to eat, offering some to Louis. Zayn raises an eyebrow and clears his throat to catch Harry’s attention. He looks up and smiles at Zayn sheepishly before handing the bag to him. Zayn smiles and digs inside, pulling out a mini snickers bar and eating it.

“Liam’s going to be mad at you.” Louis sings out teasingly, wrapping his arms around Harry’s neck and jabbing his cheek with his nose.

“I know, I know.” Harry sighs, hand swatting at Louis’ nose gently and Zayn secretly finds it adorable but Niall on the other hand is making gagging noises at the two. Zayn chuckles and lifts himself slightly higher on the hospital bed, whimpering from the the stabbing pain thats shooting throughout his body. The boys turn to look at him in concern but Zayn waves them off.

“How are you feeling?” Louis asks, his tone soft and concerned and it’s different from how Louis normally responds to things when he’s worried. Zayn’s a little taken back but doesn't show his surprise.

“I’ll be okay.” He smiles at them reassuringly and drops another piece of candy into his mouth. It’s a grape jolly rancher and Zayn grimaces and spits it out because grape is his least favorite flavor.

“Should we call Liam? Tell him Zayn’s awake.” Niall asks from where he’s spinning in a small chair with wheels. Zayn’s pretty sure that seats for the doctors but he doesn’t say anything, let Niall have his fun right?

“I guess. I think he’s gotten plenty of sleep by now.” Harry pulls out his phone and Zayn resist the urge to tell him no, not to call Liam. It’s bad enough that they all keep shooting him worried glances every 5 seconds and eyeing his exposed skin- he doesn’t bother hiding anymore, it’s pretty obvious where those scars came from now and everyone’s kind enough not to say anything about them- He doesn’t need Liam to come over and start asking him questions. He’s still embarrassed by everything.

“He just got out the shower so he’ll be here soon.” Harry informs them and no, Zayn doesn't imagine Liam naked in the shower. He does not.

Zayn reaches for the TV remote and switches it on. He flips through the channels aimlessly, ignoring Louis and Niall’s bickering and Harry sticking his big greedy hands into Zayn’s candy bag thinking he’s being sneaky but Zayn can hear it the bag and wrappers and see him in action. He just doesn’t say anything. The nurse comes in a few more times to ask him if he needs anything and he kindly tells her no before she’s leaving again. Niall makes a few attempts at flirting with the younger nurse but she brushes him off and Zayn must commend her for staying so professional when she it's clear by the way she blushes that she is in fact interested in Niall and his irish charms.

There’s constant questions and offers to help Zayn get this or do that, Harry even walks him to the small bathroom in his room and offers to help him take a piss-Zayn quickly shuts that offer down. They're close but there's no way he's letting Harry hold his willy for him- before Liam finally arrives but he shows up in the most adorable way and Zayn just wants to punch him and kiss him at the same time for being so goddamn cute. He comes in, a grin spreading on his lips and there's with a medium sized stuffed white dog with a red bow on it's neck and a bag of McDonald’s hidden behind the stuffed animal because the nurses would probably confiscate the greasy food if they saw it.

“Bought you a little something and a little something else.” Liam says with a shy smile and shaking the items in his hands. Zayn grins, blushing slightly when Liam hands him the stuffed dog and there’s both aw’s and ew’s echoing through the room.

“Bless you Liam, really, I’m starving!” Niall sighs loudly, dramatically and stretching his arms to take the bag of food from Liam’s hands but Liam jerks it away, shaking his head at the boy.

“When are you not hungry and this isn’t for you Niall, it’s for Zayn.” Liam tells him, swatting at his hands and sits where Zayn made an available spot on his bed.

“Course it is.” Niall mutters, crossing his arms, pouting and muttering angrily when his stomach actually growls loud and proud. Zayn chuckles and opens his bag, he pulls out the BigMac, his mouth watering slightly at the smell.

“Here Ni, have a small bite. I really don’t want to listen to your incessant whining for another minute.” Zayn stretches his arm towards Niall and Niall takes the burger and bites into it, letting out a pleased moan. He goes to dive back for another bite but Zayn reaches forward with a winces and snatches it back.

“I said small bite you arse.” He frowns. “Is this what you call small?” Zayn holds up the half eaten burger and scowls at Niall. “That’s it, no fries for you.” he digs his hand back inside the bag and pulls out his fries, taking three at a time and shoving them in his mouth.

“Slow down mate, you’ll choke.” Harry says when Zayn takes a rather large bite of his BigMac. He can’t help it, he’s starving. Surviving on liquid food from a tube for two days really puts a number on you.

“Hey, you try not eating for two days." Zayn counters and shoves four fries into his mouth and staring Harry in the eye in a I-do-what-I-want kind of way. Harry rolls his eyes and plucks a fry from Zayn's bag and eats it before Zayn can take it back.

They go on like that for another two hours. Liam somehow found his way higher up on the hospital bed and now he’s sitting side by side with Zayn and they’re chatting easily as if they’ve completely forgot the reason why Zayn’s in the hospital in the first place. A doctor comes in, sending the lads to the food court to talk to Zayn in private. He asks him questions about how this happened and Zayn tried to lie, he really did but the doctor told him it would be better if he just told him the truth so Zayn only told him that his foster parents beat him but he didn’t admit it when the doctor asks if this has happened before. He doesn’t give a yes or a no and the doctor only nods in understanding. He tells Zayn and the lads when they come back that he should probably get some more sleep and his mates should probably leave but they insist on staying.

“You lot don’t have to stay. I mean, I’m going to be asleep. No reason for you to be here now.” Zayn tells them when the doctor leaves and he’s settling more comfortably into the bed.

“Nonsense, we’re staying put.” Liam insist from where he’s sitting on a chair one of the older nurses bought in when she came to check on him. She spotted the crumpled up McDonald’s bag and scolded Zayn about how he shouldn’t be eating food like that right now, not when his body is still weak and is recovering but Zayn shrugged her off because he seriously doesn’t see the problem with eating McDonalds. They tried to get him to eat that shitty hospital food for fucks sake. That’s probably more unhealthy then the greasy burger and salty fries.

“Fine but I wont hold it against you if you change your minds and leave.” Zayn tells them though that’s not completely true. If he wakes up alone in this cold room then it would probably bother him a little. Or a lot. Details.

“Just shut up and go to sleep.” Louis says, rolling his eyes but there’s a smile playing at his lips so Zayn doesn’t take any offense. He decides sleep sounds very lovely right now even though he’s in a stuffy, disease rid hospital and would much rather be resting in his own bed. But he shouldn’t complain, he’s surrounded by wonderful friends that he doesn’t deserve and he really should take advantage of this before they start asking questions and ditch him.

Zayn angles the bed with the remote so he's laying down before turning to face the wall, whimpering quietly when his sprained ribs throb. He pulls the thin crappy hospital blanket over his bandaged ribs and bare shoulders with his good hand and shamelessly snuggles up to the stuffed dog that smells new and a lot like Liam. He's not sure how long he lays there with his eyes shut but he eventually falls asleep to the lads quiet chatter about which is better, smooth peanut butter or chunky peanut butter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ek, so like I said last chapter, you can hate me now.
> 
> I was considering ending this chapter after they got in the ambulance and putting the whole hospital scene in the next chapter but I thought that would have been to short and I didn't want to leave you guys with angst and violence and shit so I just kept it in this chapter. Gave ya a tiny bit of fluff I guess. Hope you don't hate me to much. 
> 
> Next update will come as soon as I write the next chapter lol. Might take a little because schools coming soon and I have to go school shopping and all that shit but I'll get it done as soon as I can.


	11. chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, okay I have no good excuse for how late this is. I mean, I could say it's because of school or the fact that I went on a total writing strike for like, two days when I found out about the engagement and Sophia but that would only be half acceptable. This is mostly so late because my procrastination is reaching unbelievable heights. 
> 
> But here's the next chapter, finally. 
> 
> Oh! And also let me say a huge, massive thank you to every reader of mine! Like, it's crazy to think that people have actually taken time out of their day to read this story, whether it was the whole story or even a sentence. Just, thank you for all the kudos and bookmarks and comments. They keep me updating.
> 
> (Even if the updates take forever)
> 
> So go on, read but also, if you've been waiting for this then I must warn you, this might be a bit anticlimactic. Maybe, I don't know. Nobodies confessing secrets and/or undying love yet or anything but we're getting there.

Zayn wakes up in a dark room only lit by the dim colors coming from the telly planted on the wall, playing _White Chicks_. He lifts his head from where it’s resting on the soft stuffed dog Liam gave him and forces himself to sit up, hissing when the jabbing pain in his ribs increases. He blinks, trying to adjust to the lack of lighting in the small hospital room and when they finally get used to the darkness he finally notices a figure sitting in one of the cushioned seats, legs brought to his chest and his head resting against the back of the chair as he watches Kevin and Marcus-disguised as the Wilson sisters- dance battle at a club. Zayn would laugh because he loves this movie but it hurts to even breath so laughing probably isn’t a better choice.

“Hey.” He grumbles, voice deep and groggy from heavy sleep. Liam’s head snaps from the telly, eyes landing on Zayn. He tries to force a smile, Zayn notices, but it never makes it past a slight tug on the corner of his lips. Zayn bites the insides of his cheeks and scoots over, patting a spot he emptied for Liam on the small hospital because the seat Liam is sitting in looks uncomfortable and stiff.

Liam does smile this time but just barely and his eyes still seem somewhat distant. He stands from the seat and joins Zayn on the bed, toeing off his shoes and laying under the thin blue blanket. They scoot into each others personal space, sides pressed against each other and Liam’s head falls to rest on Zayn’s shoulder. Zayn leans his head to the side, his cheek burying in Liam’s hair and it’s silent besides the chatter on the television. Zayn would normally be breathless and hot from the touch of Liam’s skin against his own but right now he’s only focused on making whatever Liam is feeling go away.

“Where’s the other lads?” Zayn decides to ask, in a whisper in fear of raising his voice and breaking the peaceful moment and give the universe an excuse to fuck things up for him even more. It seems him and the universe just don’t walk hand-in-hand these days. Or ever before so he doesn’t see why now would be any different.

“Sent them off. Said they’d be back early in the morning though.” Liam explains, voice equally quiet and Zayn hums so Liam knows he was heard. He briefly wonders why Liam stayed, thinks maybe he should ask but he doesn’t. He’s not sure if he wants the answer.

He pulls the crappy blanket closer to his body, shivering slightly. “’S bloody freezing in here” He mutters, snuggling closer to Liam and the heat of his skin for warmth.

“Probably because your not wearing a shirt.” Liam points out and Zayn looks down at his bare chest and arms. He shrugs feeling a little self conscious and plucks at the bandage wrapped around his ribs.

“Don’t understand why they didn’t give me a damn hospital gown. Do they seriously think these bandages and this shitty blanket will actually keep me warm?” Zayn rants, rolling his eyes and wrapping his thin arms around his chest, trying to keep any heat he has left from escaping.

“If they gave you a gown then they wouldn’t get to your ribs as fast if they needed too.” Liam tells him but Zayn snorts and scans the room for his clothes because warmth is more important then a few fucked up ribs right now. He finds a small clear plastic bag with what looks like his clothes inside, sitting on one of the seats next to the chair Liam was previously occupying. He sighs, realizing getting it himself is a near impossible mission so he reluctantly looks at Liam and mumbles, “Li, you think you can gimme that bag over here?” Liam looks at him then at the bag he’s pointing at and nods.

“Course. Haz went back to the flat to pack it while you where asleep. He thought you’d want to a change of clothes.” Liam explains as he climbs out of the bed, leaving Zayn momentarily alone and shivering. He returns to the bed a beat later and digs inside the bag, pulling out a black hoodie and handing it to Zayn. He takes it but putting on the sweater proves to be a challenge due to his limitation of movement. He huffs irritated and ready to give up and throw the damn thing across the room but then Liam offers his assistance and helps him push his head and arms through the holes.

“Thanks.” Zayn mumbles, his pride seriously injured. Liam nods his head and slides under the blankets again. Things feel off and unsettling with the way Liam wont look at him and isn’t as close to him as he very much could be. Zayn feels like he should say something, anything because Liam is being distant and he wont even meet his eyes when Zayn twists his head. And Zayn’s feeling horrible, like he’s done something. Like, his actions and choices a few days ago may have harmed their relationship. He’s scared Liam’s mad at him for keeping such serious secrets from him and he’s regretting the resentment Liam will have towards him eventually because Zayn’s pretty much handicap for the next few months. And he’s scared Liam might not want anything to do with him anymore because he’s finally realized Zayn’s just not worth the headache.

“I’m sorry.” He finally says because he feels like he has to apologize. He has so much to apologize for.

“Sorry? For what?” Liam asks in disbelief, sitting up and narrowing his eyebrows in confusion as if Zayn has nothing to be sorry about and Zayn fights away the urge to roll his eyes because he could probably kill Liam’s childhood pet and Liam would insist that things happen and he shouldn’t apologize.

“For everything.” Zayn answers, already feeling emotional and defeated. “I just… I’ve caused so much trouble these past couple of months and I’m really sorry. Just, Harry shouldn’t have asked me to stay, he had no idea what he was getting all of you into. You lads are just so amazing and accepting, I don’t deserve you lot and you don’t have to stick around. I can just… I can move in with Doniya or something.” Zayn rambles and he tries to sound strong but he just wants to crawl into a ball and disappear. That’d be a whole lot easier then dealing with _life_ , specially his.

“Zayn, shut up.” Liam commands but he doesn’t sound angry or annoyed, he sounds tired. “Your not going anywhere and neither are we.” Liam says confidently, smiling slightly for reassurance and wraps his arms around Zayn’s shoulders carefully. Zayn sighs into Liam’s shoulder, relief flooding his body but he’s also slightly disappointed that Liam didn’t accept his offer to run and never look back because they’ll leave him sooner or later. They’ll all leave and that’s why Zayn always tries to leave everyone before they can leave him. He hates becoming attached and getting hurt.

But then Liam tightens his hold as if he can hear Zayn’s thoughts and Zayn pushes them away for now. Allows himself to give in to his temptations and relaxes into Liam’s body selfishly. He’s warm and comfortable and if he’s wrong for cuddling up to Liam when the boy is oblivious of Zayn’s feelings then so be it. Zayn’s learned by now to take advantage of what you have whether it’s wrong or not because nothing last forever.

“I should be the one apologizing for my behavior anyway but it’s just…” Liam starts after a few beats of silence but then he stops, snaps his mouth shut and narrows his eyes in concentration like he’s trying to find the right words. Zayn waits, gives Liam time and his facial expression softens moments later to something more defeated. “I-we… _I_ almost lost you. I don’t understand why you’d go with them, Zayn. When the police pulled them off and you jus collapsed, it was terrifying. You looked so small and frail. I wanted to off them for what they did to you.” Now Liam looks slightly mad, his jaw a bit tense, eyes solid and Zayn gulps because angry Liam is still a new sight for him.

“You didn’t have to go, Zayn. We could have protected you. We’re your friends, your family. You don’t have to keep secrets and do everything alone.” Liam tells him looking less tense and more sad with the way his eyes droop and his lips pull into a deep frown. Zayn’s throat tightens, making it hard to swallow because Liam sounds so earnest and Zayn’s been telling himself they’ll leave him and they’ll realize he’s not worth it eventually but it’s hard to believe himself when Liam looks at him like _that_. Both desperate for Zayn to understand and determined to make for Zayn believe him.

“No, you don’t understand. I had to go or else they would have hurt you lot and I’d never forgive myself if I let that happen. You think you could have been able to stop them but you don’t know what they’re capable of, Liam.” Zayn expresses, waving his hands for emphases.

“You shouldn’t know either.” Liam snaps, making Zayn flinch in surprise. Liam immediately looks regretful for shouting but Zayn shrugs it off, not wanting Liam to feel bad and pulls Liam into his arms, hugging him and listening to him sniffle against his chest.

“I’m sorry, Liam, really but I’m still here. I’m still here.” Zayn repeats because he had no idea Liam was so upset about this and even goes as far as kissing Liam’s forehead over and over again just to reassure him. And it squeezes the life from his heart in the most painful grip because this is the most he’ll ever be able to do to Liam and he _has_ to be okay with it. He just has to be.

“Are you here?” Liam asks, pulling away to look Zayn in the eyes. Zayn cocks his head to the side, about to ask what’s that mean but Liam’s continuing. “You’re here physically, yeah but are you actually here. All these months you’ve been a mystery, you’ve kept everything inside, you haven’t let anything out. You’re not here, Zayn. Your in there.” Liam says, pointing to Zayn’s brain. “Can I know what’s in there?” Zayn nibbles his lip nervously and tries to find a response that will satisfy Liam but the only one he can think of is the one he’s most desperate to avoid.

“You really don’t want to know what’s in here, Liam.” Zayn says, referring to his brain. “It’s scary.” Zayn admits, hopes Liam will accept it because Zayn doesn’t want to dig inside his brain, unravel the ball of memories and let them be free. He prefers them buried deep inside, only to be accessed by him during sleepless nights or through his nightmares.

“Well maybe if you let me in there you’d have company and it’d be less scary.” Liam suggests and Zayn sighs because Liam wont give up for whatever reason and it’s becoming increasingly difficult to deny him. Zayn knows Liam will give up eventually if he keeps denying him because there’s a point where you just realize it’s not going to happen and it’s not worth it to keep trying and that thought suddenly seems so real to him. It sends fear through Zayn’s bones for the first time and he realizes he doesn’t want Liam to give up on him. He doesn’t want any of the lads to give up on him, to leave him, to hate him. Zayn’s expected it so long, let himself become numb about the subject and accept something that hasn’t happened yet but now Zayn’s realizing he’s really not all that okay with loosing them.

So maybe sharing is the best option because if he keeps saying no then it’s only a matter of time before they all walk away. But then there’s the thought that when Zayn opens up they’ll be disgusted with him, think so much less of him and turn on him and though Zayn knows the lads aren’t like that he can’t help but feel like it’s an almost guaranteed possibility.

“Fine.” Zayn sighs, immediately wishing he could suck the word back into his mouth when Liam’s face breaks into a huge grin because there’s no way he can go back now, but he can at least stale for a little longer. “But not now. When we’re back home so I can tell the lads too. I don’t want to tell this story twice.” Liam nods his head, still smiling and leans back into the bed. He pulls Zayn down with him and Zayn rests his head on Liam hard chest and closes his eyes, allowing the familiar feeling of contentment he only ever feels with Liam, overwhelm him.

But then Zayn’s thoughts decide it’s a perfect time to come and ruin everything and he remembers that Liam has a girlfriend now and he thinks Zayn has one, yet here they are together as if those girlfriends don’t exist. Though, Zayn’s girlfriend isn’t even his girlfriend so he’s less wrong in this situation but the bitch called life still gives him a harsh yank into reality on the leather leash hooked around his neck that’s been constricting him his whole life and now he feels bitter and hurt about the whole thing.

So Zayn lifts his head and scoots away from Liam because now he’s tripping into the deep puddle of angst again and this time Liam wont be the one to pick him up with the comfort of his presence of the press of fingertips, not when he’s the source that sent him stumbling down, scrapping knees on his way.

Liam gives him a confused and a bit hurt look that Zayn forces himself to ignore because the otherwise he’d turn into a spineless jellyfish and give in. Nope, not this time and just when he’s ready to open his mouth and remind Liam about Danielle, a doctor walks in and Liam is quickly scooting out of bed and sitting in one of the seats. Thank fuck too because who knows how that conversation would have went. Zayn probably would have turned into a stubborn jealous prick and gave away everything.

“Hello Mr.Malik and Mr.Malik’s friend.” The young, tall man with a lot of hair extends his hand and Zayn shakes it. “I’m Dr.Grimshaw, I’m sorry I couldn’t come in earlier and stuck you with all those nurses and that one other doctor but I’m sure they took good care of you.” Zayn nods his head shyly. Strangers, they still make him slightly uncomfortable. He doesn’t think that’ll ever change though.

“Good. So how’s your pain?” He asks, making his way towards Zayn and twenty minutes are spent with similar questions, ranking his pain and Dr.Grimshaw examining his injuries. The doctor looks over Zayn’s information sheet, jots a few things down on his own sheet and starts back up with his questions.

“So I’m sure your aware of how this goes judging by the broken bones you’ve had in the past-it’s a concerning amount- but I’ll go through it anyway.” He starts. “Your wrist will be in that cast for about six weeks, after those six weeks we’ll take it off and I strongly recommend physical therapy to help you gain proper function of your wrist again.”

“As for your ribs, I will rewrap them in a rib belt to minimize the swelling and hold your ribs together. In order for your ribs to heal properly you have to limit the movement of your torso, which means resting and no sports or exercising for some time. Also, no drinking alcohol, operating machinery or driving vehicles. If you do this properly then you should be all healed in at least 2 to 3 months.” Zayn groans internally. Well, it’s not like he plays sports or exercises anyway and he doesn’t own a car yet but he doesn’t want to be bedridden for 3 fucking months without some alcohol to keep him sane. Zayn’s completely over this whole thing already.

“I’ll prescribe you pain medication to take after you leave which-”

“When will that be?” Zayn cuts him off because he’s anxious to get the hell out of here already. Hospitals bring back bad memories.

“Tomorrow morning you’re allowed to go home.” Dr.Grimshaw tells him and Zayn nods his head, satisfied with the answer. “But until then I advise you get some rest. If you need anything all you have to do is press that red button behind you and a nurse will come.” Dr.Grimshaw stands up from where he was sitting on the spinny chair and walks towards the door. “I’ll see you in the morning.” he says then walks out. Zayn sits back, wincing and lets out a long sigh.

“These next few months are going to suck.” Zayn groans, closing his eyes and hoping when he opens them he’ll be back in his bed and this would all just be one of his nightmares.

“It wont be so bad. You don’t have to work and you get to lounge in bed all day and make us do stuff for you.” Liam insist, trying to make bossing around his friends sound like something fun. And it might be at times but he knows they’ll get annoyed with him quickly. He’s already afraid of being ditched, now being an arsehole will add to the reasons why they should hate him.

“You make it sound better then it is.” Zayn picks at the bandage under his hoodie resentfully but careful not to apply pressure and he inwardly curses his foster parents and his luck because both suck really badly.

“Oh, stop pouting. At least your still alive.” Liam whispers, his eyes lowering and it’s like his heart was just stabbed 18 times because Liam looks sad again. He thought this bridge was crossed all ready.

“Li,” Zayn sighs. “I’m sorry. I had no idea this was going to happen. If I had known they were going to be there then we wouldn’t have went. Please, don’t be mad at me.” Zayn’s pleads and Liam shakes his head.

“Stop apologizing and I’m not mad at you.” Liam tells him, standing from the chair again and re-taking his spot on the bed. “lets not reopen that conversation, yeah? Just get some rest.” he instructs and Zayn sighs because Liam isn’t very convincing. Zayn knows Liam is mad at him, he can feel it. So instead of cuddling up to Liam he carefully turns to his side, away from him to give him his own space and holds the stuffed animal instead of Liam himself. It’s a weak replacement but it’ll have to do.

Zayn’s almost asleep when he feels something press into his side and yeah, the pressure against his injuries kind of hurt but he doesn’t show the pain because he doesn’t want to make Liam feel even worse. He falls asleep squished between a stuffed dog and a solid body, on a tiny bed and he actually wont have it any other way. Except maybe not be holed up in this bloody hospital.

  
~

  
In the morning Dr.Grimshaw unwraps Zayn’s bandages and Zayn cringes as the deep purple and blue coloring of his skin. He wraps it in a rib belt and advices Zayn how to care for the wounds littering his body and when he should come back to get the stitches removed from his arm and the back of his head.

Zayn signs his own release papers and even though he made it clear he didn’t want nor need to be, he’s wheeled out the hospital and to Liam’s car in a goddamn wheel chair as if he broke both of his legs. The drive home is nerve wrecking and Zayn hums a tune to himself the whole way to try and calm himself.

Liam has to keep an arm around Zayn to help him inside because it hurts to walk and Zayn’s seriously regretting ever coming home because as soon as he unlocks the door to the flat, he’s jumped by an over ecstatic female, all squeals and flailing arms.

Zayn stumbles backwards, almost falling over until Liam catches him with hands cupped under his armpits and Zayn lets a line of curses escape his lips. “Shit, Doniya. Shit, shit, fuck, shit.” Zayn hisses over and over, clutching at his throbbing ribs because that’s what hurts most from the impact.

Doniya jumps backwards, a gasp coming from behind her hands that she cupped over her mouth. “Oh my god, oh my god, Zayn! I’m so sorry, I just got excited. Oh my god, I’m so so sorry.” She panics, taking steps forward then backwards like she doesn’t know what to do and if Zayn wasn’t in such pain he’d laugh at how ridiculous she looks right now.

“D, relax. It’s okay, really, I’m fine.” Zayn assures but Doniya still looks likes she hates herself so Zayn stands up straight and waves his hands at her. “Bring it in, carefully this time.” Doniya smiles weakly and steps forward. Zayn wraps his arms around his sisters shoulders and kisses her forehead.

“I’m just ganna… squeeeeeze through here.” Liam announces quietly and squeezes through the small gap between Zayn’s body and the doorway. Zayn begins to laugh but just as quick as he started he stops because ow, that hurt.

“Hey, D.” He begins, pulling away but keeping an arm over her shoulders. “You think you can help me into the living room” he mumbles, pride and independence plummeting into the dirt. Doniya smiles and nods her head, wrapping her arm around his waist and supporting most of Zayn’s waist as they walk to the living room.

The greets that follow when he finally makes it to the living room and sits on the couch are both painful and warming to the bones. The lads are a little less enthusiastic then Doniya was considering they already saw him in the hospital but they’re still as happy and affectionate as ever.

Niall puts Harry Potter and the sorcerer's stone into the dvd, Harry makes popcorn and Louis lays his head on Zayn’s lap, purring when Zayn cards his fingers through his hair. Liam sits on the other side of Zayn, shoulders and knees pressed together while Harry and Niall occupy the floor, arguing over what movie to put it next-either the next Harry Potter or Bridesmaids- and shoveling giant heaps of the popcorn, that’s suppose to be shared with everyone, into their greedy mouths.

Not even an hour into the movie and Zayn begins to doze off, eyes drooping, head tilting and background noise fading out but he’s stirred awake by the sudden, constant ringing of the doorbell. His eyes fly open, head snapping back straight and almost giving himself whiplash and Louis groans, lifting his head from Zayn’s lap and drags his feet to the front door, kicking Niall’s sneaky hand away from Harry’s bucket of popcorn in the process.

He looks at Liam, eyebrow arched and wondering if Liam knows who’s at the front door because they weren’t expecting anyone. Liam only shrugs his shoulders, clearly understanding the questioning look Zayn was giving him before leaning forwards to scoop some popcorn from Harry’s bucket. He offers some to Zayn but Zayn shakes his head-popcorn is irritating, always getting stuck in his teeth- and closes his eyes again, lifting his knees to his chest only to remove them seconds later when the pressure becomes to much on his aching ribs. He’s squirming around, trying to find a position that doesn’t feel like someone’s repeatedly hitting him in the ribs with a crowbar when he hears a feminine, screech like sound coming from the front door.

“Where is he! Where is Zayn Malik!” The feminine voice echoes through the hallway, traveling into the living room and Zayn doesn’t know if he should be happy to see her or hide under the coffee table-though she’d find him easily- when he recognizes the voice.

He opens his eyes, looking around the room for a quick getaway but remembers he can hardly walk let alone run anywhere so he looks at Liam, a bit desperate and seeking help but Liam shrugs his shoulders again, eyes hard and crinkles in his forehead from where his eyebrows are furrowed deeply. Zayn figures Liam recognizes the voice by his reaction since he doesn’t like Perrie. His curiosity as to why is becoming an annoying itch that he can’t scratch and if he tries it wont go away because Liam won’t be honest and admit he dislikes Perrie, let alone tell him why.

“She’s going to kill me.” Zayn mutters under his breath, forcing himself to stand, rejecting Harry’s offering hand and walks around the couch-hand gripping the leather for support- just in time to see the pale skinned girl stomping into the room in combat boots and a beanie, blonde hair falling down her shoulders.

“Jesus, look at you! Urg, I’m so mad at you! I should kill you but I also wanna hug you so I’ll go with the option that doesn’t land me in the slammer for life.” Perrie shouts, her voice softening towards the end. Zayn can’t help but smile and Perrie rolls her eyes at him before giving in, a smile spreading her cheeks and extending her arms.

“You’re ganna have to come to me, Per bear.” Zayn tells her because she’s just standing there, arms open and waiting. Perrie’s looks at the way Zayn is holding at his ribs and gripping the couch and nods her head in understanding before crossing the distance and wrapping her arms around Zayn’s shoulders, squeezing ever so gently.

“You’re a wanker, you know that? Had me slacking on the job because all I could do was think about your dumbass.” Perrie says, her chin resting on his shoulder. “I was so worried.”

“Apparently not enough to visit him in the hospital.” Zayn hears Liam say, not in a whisper or muttered under his breath but clear and loud and a jolt of surprise runs along his spine. Where the hell that came from? He pulls away from Perrie slightly, turning around to notice Liam standing behind them, arms crossed.

“Liam, put the claws away.” Louis hisses, warning in his tone but Liam ignores him, focuses on staring them down. Perrie pulls completely away from Zayn and puts distance between them, looking immediatly guilty and a bit frightened possibly for the same reason Zayn is. Angry Liam is a scary Liam. Also a hot Liam but that's besides the point.

"I tried but I had work, I was a busy and-” Perrie begins, giving her explanation but Liam cuts her off and Zayn doesn’t know what the hell is happening. What does he do? He's stuck standing there between them, feeling helpless and not knowing how to stop this-whatever _this_ is.

“Busy?” Liam repeats as if he doesn’t believe what he just heard. Perrie nods her head, opening her mouth to speak again but- “I had work too, and classes, I was busy yet I was the one who stood at the hospital all day and night, missing those classes and risking getting fired, not you. You obviously was not as worried as your trying to make yourself out to be.” Liam continues, face pink and tone completely unlike his usual soft, calming one. This Liam is so unlike the normal, kind and pleasant Liam that Zayn has come accustom to over these months. His neck veins are protruding, his breathing shallowed, his normally bright, lively brown eyes are dark and hidden in slits and and he's looking at Perrie as if she just insulted one of his favorites.

Zayn’s baffled, is really the best way to put it. He feels as if someone threw him into an alternate universe and he really doesn’t know what to say or do. He just doesn’t get why Liam’s so fustrated, Doniya didn’t go to the hospital while he was there either, there really isn’t any reason for Liam to feel so negative towards Perrie.

“Liam, I-I… I don’t understand…” Zayn breathes, eyes wide and forehead scrunched in concern. There has to be a clear explanation somewhere that gives Liam reason to be so angry and Zayn will be able to help. He doesn't like seeing Liam so upset. He just wants to make him happy again.

“Just… just forget it, whatever.” Liam huffs before snatching his sweater from where it rests on the arm of the couch and stalking out the door, slamming it behind him.

Zayn surprised his jaw hasn't become unhinged yet from how low it's hanging. He breaks his gaze away from the shut door and looks around, eyes darting around the room, taking in everyone’s unique reaction to Liam’s outburst but overall they all share a similar look of surprise and he’s glad he’s not the only one caught completely off guard.

“I don’t… what just happen?” Zayn breaths, growing frustrated as he searches his mind but comes up blank.

But then it hits him. Why Liam’s so pissed about Perrie not visiting him.

“He thinks we’re still dating!” Zayn bursts, everything making sense now. He turns towards Perrie, slowly and considerate of his injuried torso. “He thinks we’re dating and he’s mad that you didn’t visit me. He probably thinks it’s fucked up that he cares more then the girl I’m dating.” Zayn explains, feeling stupid for not figuring it out before.

“Or he’s pissed because he’s like, completely in love with you and you’re fustratingly oblivious and to make things worse, you’re dating her.” Louis mentions as if it’s that obvious. He squawks when Harry smacks him upside the head, visibly shocked and upset from what Louis said.

“H-he’s not in love with me, Louis. You’re… you’re wrong.” Zayn insists, panicked slightly and a little desperate because why is Louis saying that? There is no way Liam loves him and he’s anxiously waiting for Louis to burst out laughing and tell him he was joking. “He’s mad because he thinks Perrie is being a bad girlfriend for not visiting me but me and Per aren’t even dating.” Zayn explains, looking at Perre expectingly so she can back him up but she snorts and shakes her head at him, clearly disagreeing with something he had said.

“You’re not?” Niall asks, cocking his head to the side and Zayn shakes his head, quickly trying to explain that they we’re never dating, Perrie was only his date to the wedding because he didn’t have one and he couldn’t attend an ex girlfriends wedding dateless and pathetic, specially when the man she was marrying is the man she left Zayn for.

“I though Lacey was your sister?” Harry questions, nose scrunched and eyes bugged out, curly hair flopping in front of his face.

“No!” He snaps. “Lacey is not my sister! She’s my sisters sister.” He explains for what feels like the 20th time.

“Well if that’s the case then for christ sake, man! Go fix that! It takes a lot to get Liam mad and he’s pissed.” Louis commands, pointing towards the front door.

“Yes! Go tell him you love him and then he’ll say he loves you too and then you’ll run into a field of blueberries and gumdrops or ride off into the sunset in a flying car like Grease!” Harry exclaims, a romantic look on his face but Zayn doesn’t find this romantic or anything of the sorts. Liam does not love him and they don’t understand how much it hurts to hear those words and know they aren’t true. Why would Liam love him? He’s just Zayn. He’s a mess, he's nothing special. He lies all the time, he has a dark past and secrets like you wouldn’t believe.

And even though the lads have altered his way of thinking and he thinks he may be a bit loveable after all, he knows it will never surpass a friendship level. And even if by some incrediable miracle Liam does love him-highly unlikely-, he knows he would fuck everything up one day, somehow. It’s pretty much guaranteed.

“No!” Zayn bursts, successfully shutting everyone up, including Niall and his chants about true love and such. “No! Liam does not love me! He has a girlfriend!” He mentions, spitting the words as if they’re poisonous. They do taste like poison leaving his mouth.

“Oh jesus, hopeless! Hopless, you both are! Harry handle this before I slap him.” Louis stresses, throwing his arms in the air and walking away.

“Danielle doesn’t mean shit to Liam. You do, though.” Harry tells him but Zayn squeezes his eyes shut, clentching his fist and trying to steady the angry pounding in his chest. It's not so much anger he's feeling though, more hurt. Yes, he is angrivated but that's only because he wants them to shut up, to stop giving him falls hopes. But he's also hurt. Just completely, overwhelmingly hurt.

“Stop it, Harry! He _can’t!_ You’re wrong, you’re all wrong!’ He shouts, spinning around swiftly, swallowing down the stabbing pain and stomping off towards his room, slamming the door and locking out the world.

They are wrong. So, so very wrong and he knows it.

And yet, Zayn can’t help but hope that maybe he’s the wrong one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, I don't know. I don't know anymore. What am I doing with my life?
> 
> But how was that? Don't be afraid to be honest or yell at me for taking weeks to update (if anybody is actually upset about that).
> 
> I have no idea when the next chapter will be up. I still have to work out where I'm trying to go with this and the details in my mind before I actually start writing. 
> 
> But I hope you enjoyed! Leave comments :)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, only chapter twelve? I feel like I've been writing this thing for years now. Shouldn't I be on like, chapter 20 or something? Jeez.
> 
> But,
> 
> OMG! Thank you everyone sooooo so much for your fucking AMAZING comments and all the kudos and bookmarks. You guys never disappoint me. I hope I can return the favor.
> 
> And,
> 
> I should apologize for taking so long, I just keep getting distracted. Like, inspiration is just coming from every direction and I'm just writing and writing and writing. I have like four other stories, it's getting ridiculous. I don't think I'm going to even post those either, I'm just writing them because I kind of HAVE to. IDK but thank you for your patience and support and here's chapter 12. 
> 
> (I almost wrote 20)

“You’re going to have to come out of there eventually!”

And the banging continues, growing louder and fiercer each pound. Zayn’s locked himself in his room for the past three days, ignoring anyone and everyone who comes to his door. The only time he can actually peel himself away from his bed is when he has to use the loo or he’s in serious need of food, but yet those moments are only at night when everyone is asleep. The rest of the time, he’s holed up in these four walls, buried under covers wishing they’ll swallow him whole. He’s stuck grounded to his bed by his injuries and also by his thoughts. They’re weighing him down, trapping him to this mattress with their intensity. They’re echoing off his walls, screaming in his mind, telling him all kinds of things and leading him further into confusion and frustration and desperation.

His nightmares have become more disturbing. He’s woken up in cold sweats and screaming every few hours from the same reoccurring dream. He’s been forced to lie awake most of the night scared and ears perked up at every little sound. He knows it wont happen but he’s paranoid and terrified that if he closes his eyes, when he opens them _they’ll_ be standing in front of him.

“No! It’s not like I can get out of bed anyway!” Zayn calls back, addressing to the doctors advice to stay in bed. He’s laying on his back, on top of his fluffy blankets with the window halfway open to allow in the May weather warmth, trying to sketch out his feelings in such an incorrect and uncomforting position but it’s not like he can position himself any other way. He’s trying to create something that might mean something or explain what’s going through his mind but so far, inspiration is lacking and his sketches are all a mess of uneven lines and dark smudges. They aren’t telling him anything.

“You’re going to have to take a piss someday!” Louis continues, wiggling the doorknob and trying to force the door open with his strength.

Louis has been more persistent then the other lads, coming to his door almost every hour to try and coax him from the solitude of him room. Harry only knocks softly and announces the arrival of a snack or some water, anything that’s necessary to live Harry has bought to him and has not asked him once to leave the room. Harry’s a lot more understanding then Louis.

Niall, he’s knocked twice, once yesterday close to midnight and Zayn hesitantly let him inside just because he knows Liam and Niall are a closer pair and he was silently hoping Niall will tell him how the boy is doing. The second time was this morning to bring him a novel from the book store down the street because Zayn likes to read and Niall thought he might be bored half to death. So of course Zayn allowed Niall to nick the key from Harry-Harry insist on having access to the room 24/7 for just in case reasons so he made a key and Zayn let him because it is Harry’s flat- and unlock the door to make the delivery.

As for Liam, Zayn hasn’t seen him since he stomped out the house in a full fit three days ago. It’s not like he expected too though, he’s not going to assume Liam will cool down and come and apologize or anything of the sorts. Zayn’s pretty sure he’s the one who should be doing the apologizing but until he figures out what exactly he needs to apologize for, he’ll stay put and let Liam have his space.

“I have a window!” Zayn shouted back though he will never actually take a leak out the window in fear of flashing and/or sprinkling on a poor innocent girl or an elderly passing by. He hears a huff and loud stomping being carried away until he’s left in the empty silence again. It’s both satisfying and saddening.

Liam is the source of Zayn’s dilemma this week, as you all should know. He’s the reason why Zayn’s feeling so miserable, so flustered and conflicted and a bunch of other words that involve not knowing what the hell to do. Everyone seems to believe that Liam has feelings for Zayn but he himself just doesn’t believe that’s possible. Liam is so genuine, so caring and admirable and selfless. Zayn’s pretty sure there’s an invisible halo above Liam’s head and a pair of wings attached to his back. Liam does for others instead of himself, he’s strong and smart and good. He’s so good.

Zayn is a walking disaster, dragging trouble at his side wherever he goes. He’s selfish and dishonest for accepting a free home and four rowdy but brilliant best friends and keeping secrets from them. He’s a terrible person for destroying the only family he has ever known so early in his lifetime, for ending innocent lives with so much living left to do, so much more to accomplish. He’s a coward for letting his foster parents take advantage and abuse him for so long and not do anything to stop them. He’s all of the above and everything worse for allowing his foster parents to do the same things to his foster siblings and for letting it continue after he left. He should have said or done something, anything. Zayn’s bad. He’s so bad.

Zayn wishes he was good enough for Liam. He wishes he could prove himself worthy, he wishes he was selfless, brave and strong mentally and physically but he’s just _not._ He wishes he could hold everyone up, be the voice of reason and make the world a better place but he’s to destructive to do anything but harm. He can’t save anyone because he couldn’t even save himself when he needed help the most. How can he protect anyone, how can he protect Liam when he let himself be so carelessly broken.

 

~

 

It’s been a week that Zayn has been wallowing in self pity while simultaneously building himself up to actually leave his room in the daytime. He hasn’t heard much from anyone other then Harry for the past few days and that’s only because Harry has made it his job to be Zayn’s caregiver while he’s recovering by bringing him food and beverages, keeping him silent company, and asking if he needs anything every 20 minutes. But other then Harry, there hasn’t been a knock on his door in two days and maybe that’s what sparked the need to leave his room, the need to be acknowledged, to be known, to not be forgotten.

So finally Zayn climbs out of bed slowly and leaves his room and walks down the hallway. He’s nervous to what he’ll walk into in the living room but it’s only Niall sitting on the leather couch, his feet resting on the glass coffee table and watching Victorious because he has a thing for Ariana Grande. Zayn hesitates before stepping deeper into the living room and settling himself right next to the Irish boy, only a few inches separating them.

“Where’s Haz?” He asks, his voice quiet and a bit shy because it’s been a week and he feels out of place outside of his room.

Niall jumps slightly, turning around with surprised eyes and a sharp gasp. “Jesus, I think I pissed myself a little bit.” Zayn smiles sheepishly and offers a murmured apology that Niall waves off.

“Him and Lou are off draggin’ Liam out of his flat for a bit of fresh air before he goes nuts in there. Thought I’d do the same for you but I didn’t think there’d be a chance in hell of gettin’ you out of your room.” Niall answers a bit teasingly but Zayn doesn’t smile. Can’t bring himself too. Just the mention of Liam has his heart sinking to his toes and all feelings of contentment sucked from his body.

Zayn swallows thickly and reminds himself to breath before whispering, “H-how is he?”

“Misses you.” Niall answers, voice soft and sad. Zayn doesn’t look at him though, to busy staring at the back to his eyelids and feeling the words squeeze the life from his heart. He’ll believe that Liam misses him but he doesn’t miss Zayn the way Zayn misses him. Zayn misses his everything, Liam misses his friendship.

“I-I miss him too.” He admits, words barely audible because confessing this out loud makes the longing feel so real, so strong, so unbearable.

“I know.” Niall smiles weakly and squeezes an arm behind Zayn’s head, pulling him closer. Zayn goes willingly, missing the feeling of somebody’s affection. It’s not the somebody he wants but he shouldn’t be picky. He should be happy that someone wants him this close at all.

“Is he still mad at me?” Zayn finds himself asking just because he needs a little reassurance that Liam doesn’t actually hate him.

Niall pulls away slightly, just to look Zayn in the eye and shakes his head. “Zayn, love, Liam was never mad at you.” And then Niall kisses his forehead gingerly and turns back to the telly, singing along the opening of another episode of Victorious. Niall has a nice voice that releases the tension from his bones.

 

~

 

“Oh, did it actually leave it’s room?” Zayn hears from behind him in the kitchen. He’s scouting through the cabinets to find something thin and light to eat, maybe a can of soup or maybe even some apple sauce but the kitchen is almost empty and he’s starving. “Who dragged it out?”

“I dragged it out.” Zayn answers and grabs a can of chicken noodles he found in the back corner.

“You know, I forgot what you looked like.” Louis says and Zayn snorts in response. “You need a shave and a trim, mate.”

“Oh, haven’t you heard? ’m trying to go for that Jesus look.” Zayn replies sarcastically.

“I don’t appreciate your tone, mister.” Louis wags his finger and Zayn rolls his eyes, a smile threatening to break loose though. He hasn’t smiled in what feels like forever. It’s kind of nice.

“When can you get those stitches out?” Louis asks, changing the subject when he catches a glimpse of Zayn’s arm. Zayn’s wearing a tank. None of the lads have reacted to Zayn’s scars since he was in the hospital. He has caught a few lingering glances from time to time, making him feel slightly uncomfortable but nobody has said anything about them. But he’s a little on the edge about that, he’s not sure if he’s in the clear or if they’re just giving him time before pouncing on him with questions.

“I have an appointment in like, two days.” Zayn answers as he opens the can of soup with trouble-he can only use one hand and he absolutely _refuses_ to accept anyone’s help- and pours the food into a black bowl. They fall into a silence after that and Zayn places his bowl in the microwave before turning to lean against the counter and look at Louis who is staring right back.

“Okay, spit it out.” He urges because Louis is biting something back. He’s nibbling on his thumb nail, leaning into the counter, his eyes in slits with a concentrated facial expression. Zayn cocks his head, waiting and Louis sighs, standing straight and walking further into the kitchen to lean into the fridge.

“Are you going to talk to Liam or what?” He blurts out and yeah, Zayn was kind of expecting something like that but that doesn’t mean he has an answer. He doesn’t know, he wants to talk to Liam, he really does but what will he even say? Just thinking about talking to Liam about what happened makes him fidget.

“I don’t think he wants to talk to me, Lou.” Zayn admits, sighing and his decent mood decreasing tremendously at the thought of Liam again. The boy is tearing him apart inside and he just really needs to hear Liam tell him that they’re going to be okay.

“He said the same damn thing yesterday but with that stupid kicked puppy look. I swear, I’m going to have to lock both of your angst filled arses in a room and not let you out until you settle whatever the fuck is going on. This is like a really bad movie.” Louis exclaims, throwing his hands in the air and making wild gestures. “Seriously, you two were suppose to fuck by now! Do you understand what you are doing to my emotions!” Zayn takes a sharp intake of breath, feeling blindsided by the explosion and the heat in his body cranks up a few notches to set fire to his cheeks.

“L-Louis!” He shrieks, uncrossing his arms and shifting uncomfortably. “I should have never left my room.” He mutters and pushes away from the counter. He takes his hot bowl from the microwave, grabs a spoon and walks past Louis who is busy cackling at himself.

“O-okay, Okay, I’m sorry! Just… just stop for a second!” Louis stutters, laughter still slipping from between his pressed together lips. Zayn knows the apology isn’t sincere but Zayn stops anyway. “Seriously Zayn, you fix this, okay? If I have to listen to a depressing Liam bitch and whine about your arse one more time I’m going to castrate him.”

“Okay, Louis.” Zayn drawls, rolling his eyes at him.

“Seriously, Z. I’m not going to say Liam loves you because last time you locked yourself in your room for a week, but I will say that Liam cares a lot about you, in ways that either you truly don’t notice or refuse to believe but trust me, he does. Okay?” Louis says, taking Zayn’s face between his hands and staring in his eyes. “I don’t know why you find it so difficult to accept that maybe Liam feels the same way you feel about him, I don’t know because you wont tell me but believe me, your denial and insecurities hurt him just as much as they hurt you. Whatever is tying you to the thought that Liam reciprocating your feelings is impossible, you need to forget it, okay? You’re to pretty to be this giant sack of negativity that you are.” Louis finishes, patting Zayn’s cheek and stepping away. Zayn’s stares at him in surprise because he surely was not expecting that from Louis. He tears his eyes away and stares at the floor sadly because the Louis’ words felt so strong and sounded so genuine it almost hurt to listen and now all he wants to do is go in his room and cry but crying is not an acceptable option so he’ll settle on screaming into a pillow or taking a long kip.

“Okay.” Is the only word Zayn can process and he walks away, straight to his room where he doesn’t plan on leaving anytime soon.

Zayn eats his soup in his room, huddled up in his bed, trying to force himself to watch an episode of Tom and Jerry because there’s nothing else on but his mind keeps wondering off towards Liam again. He hasn’t thought about the boy in two whole hours-which is a lot and a huge relief- but now Liam seems to be the one thing he can’t get out of his head. He can feel his negative thoughts coming back as strong as before, causing his shoulders to hunch and the lose of his appetite so he sets the near empty bowl on the nightstand and crawls under his duvet.

Zayn can’t get Louis words to stop replaying in his mind. Why is everyone so convinced that Liam loves him? Don’t they see how much of a mess he is? Why would Liam love him, nobody wants to be responsible for a disaster. Nobody should love him. But then there’s that sliver of hope deep inside of him, shouting from it’s hidden location that he’s being stupid and it is possible. That he needs to stop being such a dark cloud and think of the ‘what if’s’ for once. What if they’re all right, the lads and Perrie. What if Zayn is so blinded by his negative thoughts that he’s missing the truth, what if Liam actually cares the way Zayn wishes he will.

  
What if Zayn’s a huge idiot.

  
~

  
His doctors appointment two days later went rather easily. Doctor Grimshaw examined his injuries to see if the bruises and cuts are healing properly-they are and most of the smaller bruises have healed completely- then checked over his ribs to make sure those are improving as well. Then finally Doctor Grimshaw removed the stitches from the wounds on Zayn’s arm and head after finding that they are finally closed and fully healed with minor scarring on the back of his head-he can’t say the same about his arm though- and the doctor advices Zayn how to care for the scar properly if he wants it to fade considerably.

Grimshaw talked to Zayn, asked him how he’s feeling, how’s his sleeping pattern. He made Zayn fill out some mini quizzes and asked him if he’d like to try talking to a therapist. Zayn thanked him but kindly denied the offer. There’s no way in hell he’s talking to a complete stranger about anything in his life.

Doctor Grimshaw made another appointment for a few weeks from now to remove the cast from Zayn’s left wrist-if the bone is healed, that is- and they bid their farewells. Zayn leaves the doctors office and takes the lift to the parking area where Harry waits for him. Harry had insisted on staying with Zayn while he had his stitches removed but Zayn told him to stay behind, maybe go for some food while he waits. Zayn doesn’t need anyone holding his hand, he can do things on his own.

He climbs into the expensive vehicle that waits for him and straps on his seat belt.

“How was the appointment?” Harry asks, turning on the ignition and reversing out of his parking spot.

“Harry, I need you to take me somewhere.” Zayn says instead, ignoring Harry’s attempt at conversation. This is more important then small talk.

Harry glances at him, his eyebrows scrunched and frowning slightly before returning his attention to the road in front of him. “Very well. Where to, princess?”

Zayn rolls his eyes at the nickname and gives Harry’s arm a pinch, earning himself a tug on his earring. He slaps Harry’s hand away and demands that he keep both hands on the wheel before he gets them into a crash.

“Okay, okay eyes on the road, I know. But where are we heading, am I suppose to keep heading straight?”

“I need you to drop me off at Liam’s flat.” He states before his lips can zip shut and his mind changes. It’s time for him to make the first step and own up for whatever he’s done wrong.

“Um, I uh don’t think that’s the best idea. How about we-”

“Harry.” Zayn interrupts firmly. “Just take me to Liam’s flat. I need to talk to him. I need the truth.” He says though his mind is screaming for him to back out, that this is not a good idea and the truth may not be what he wants, but what he is expecting.

“The truth can wait, yeah? I’m starving, lets get some-”

“Harry.” Zayn snaps impatiently. They’re at a stop sign and Harry turns to look at Zayn, eyes roaming his face before sighing in defeat and pressing the gas pedal when there are no other cars in view.

“Fine.”

When Harry stops in front of Liam’s building Zayn unbuckles his seat belt and reaches for the door handle but a hand rests on his shoulder-causing him to flinch slightly- and urges him back.

“Alright, Zayn, there’s something I should warn you about first-” Harry starts but somewhere in that sentence Zayn looked through his window because of sheer curiosity and saw a sight that might actually have killed him. His pulse isn’t racing, it’s a very painfully slow thumb in his chest. The rest of the world, including Harry and his grip, have completely fazed out, becoming nothing but an faint chirping in his ears. His stomach is churning and he might just ruin the fine leather of Harry’s car seats any moment. His heart is shattered on the ground and tears brim his eyes.

There before him is a very smiley Liam escorting a very flirtatious Danielle out of his building and to his car. He watches Danielle flip her hair before stepping into the passenger seat, extending bare caramel colored legs and winking suggestively and he watches Liam laugh and close the door after her and walk around the vehicle, climbing into the drivers seat.

Liam looks _good_. His hair is perfectly styled, not a single fly away, his facial hair is trimmed and shaped stubble, his clothes are wrinkle free and his smile is bright and genuine. He looks put together and happy, completely unlike Zayn who hasn’t bothered to shave in a week or do his hair or dress in clean clothes simply because the motivation just was not there. Liam has motivation to look presentable, it seems and his motivation comes in a hour glass figure, shiny brown curls and red stilettos.

Zayn eyes can’t break away from the scene before him until Liam’s car is burning rubber and turning the corner and even then he stares until Harry shakes his shoulder. Zayn snaps his head to face Harry, eyes blurry and a globe sized lump in his throat that denies air from entering his body. He can’t breathe. He’s so stupid, stupid stupid Zayn.

“I can explain that, Zee.” Harry rushes out panicky, gripping Zayn’s shoulders and tilting his head down to meet Zayn’s downcast eyes.

“N-no, Haz. Just… just take me home.” He mumbles weakly, shaking his head and whipping his wet eyes vigorously before the tears can fall.

“But Zayn, just listen to me-”

“No.” He cuts off, cringing at the desperation in his voice. Harry sighs from next to him and soon the car is moving again, turning the opposite way from the direction Liam and Danielle went off too but Zayn still finds himself looking out his window in search for Liam’s car. He knows it’s long gone though.

He knows he shouldn’t feel like someone has dug their nails into his heart, causing fresh wounds, and stuck their hands in his mouth to rip the organ from where it’s lodged in his throat, leaving Zayn torn open and gasping for life. He shouldn’t feel like a two ton man with heavy metal boots stomped on his chest unmercifully. This shouldn’t hurt worse then being mentally mistreated, being called worthless and every insult in the book. This shouldn’t hurt worse then the leather that thrashed his skin or the forced intrusions on his body by Ruben’s unforgiving attacks. But it does. It hurts more then being pined to his old, creaky bed at night and crying out _‘No! Please stop!’_ and being ignored, it hurts worse then any abuse his foster parents gave his body because this is his heart that’s feels so limp and lifeless in his chest. It’s his heart that he wants to claw out of his body because it’s just so heavy and trapped. It’s his heart that feels like it’s taken a worse beating then his body has ever felt.

And it’s all because of Liam.

It’s all because of _one boy_.

And it’s all because he let Louis’ words get to him. He allowed himself to think of the what if’s, he allowed himself to let everything everyone has said to him become more then just words.

It’s all because of Zayn.

He let the wall that protected his mistreated heart tumble down for one moment to think that maybe Liam could love him. That maybe they were all right when in reality, he received misguided information. He let himself become hopeful again when hope is for dreamers and Zayn is no dreamer. His dreams have faded, he knows where his place is now. It’s not dreams that he has, it’s cold blooded nightmares.

“Zayn, can you just let me explain.” Harry begs exasperatedly when he parks in his parking space. Zayn unbuckles his seat belt slowly and looks at Harry.

“No. I don’t need an explanation.”

“But Zayn, trust me, it’ll all make sense if you just lis-”

“Stop, Harry. It’s okay. I understand. Just give me some space, okay.” He says before sliding out of the car, ignoring Harry calling his name and choosing to take the stairs instead of the lift. He just doesn’t want to be around anyone right now and he’s not in much of a rush to get upstairs so he can take his time climbing these stairs, if he can find the will to make it the first step, that is.

Zayn may be overreacting but he wasn’t expecting a broken heart to hurt so bad. He’s never been in love, he never thought he would be and when he did fall in love he knew he was doomed from the start. He knew he’d get hurt. He just never thought he’d hurt this bad.

He always found the way people described a heartbreak as kind of extreme. They’d say you’d feel pointless, lost, broken. He thought it was quite silly and overdramatic to feel like that over one person. But he kind of gets it now.

Heartbreak is a horrible thing.

Zayn just thinks it’s pretty fucked up how life has given his body beatings and came back for seconds on his heart. When will life just give him a break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Covers face* DON'T HIT ME!
> 
> The angst and drama was never even planned. I wrote most of this when I was feeling really down and I just thought, 'what the hell, it's my story' and kept on like that. I wont be surprised if your all getting mad at me at this point. I just find it easier writing angst and misery, probably because I feel it most of the time but hey, I'm a teenage girl, what do you really expect? C'mon now.
> 
> But anyway, leave your beautiful and wonderful comments that make me squeal or leave some angry comments about how infuriating and depressing I can be. Whatever you want, just let me know that your all still here.


	13. chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No a summery but i've realized that i've never done this and I don't want to get sued or whatever happens if you don't do this, so I'll do it now.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not nor have I ever nor will I ever own one direction or any of the other people who have made appearances in this story-except the ones I've made up like the foster parents and whatever- so yeah, I don't own them. Trust me, if I did I would not be writing these. I'd make shit happen in real life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I tried to get this one out quick because you're all so FLIPPING AMAZING and I left you all with some major angst last chapter. I couldn't just leave ya hanging and you deserved an early update with all those beautiful comments you gave me-
> 
> (Except for one person who hit me in the nose, no names) (I'm totally joking, I love you)
> 
> -so here you go. This is early right? I mean it's only been four days, I think that's a bit early. But yeah, it's not very long but in the words of the 197 year old blind voodoo lady who lives in a boat in a tree in the bayou-aka mama odie- 
> 
> “oh, it’s gonna be good!”
> 
> Or at least I hope. Omg let me know what you guys think! Like, this wasn't even planned, I had a different idea for this chapter but then I said fuck all and went with this. I hope I don't disappoint.
> 
> Oh and one more thing, sorry if there are any mistakes, I got really lazy and decided not to reread. I do that a lot so that would explain why previous chapters probably have had mistakes as well.
> 
> wait, I lied, this is the one more thing, I was thinking and I decided that i'd give out my tumblr. That way you guys can harass me to update or just talk to me. I'll give my 1D tumblr though, not the personal one. It's morequiffmalik.tumblr.com
> 
> Yeah so, do what you want with that.

 

Zayn has tried to repair his heart but when he reaches for the broken shards he only pricks his fingers and pulls away, hissing. He feels as if he's nailed to the floor in front of broken glass with scotch tape in one hand, cheap stick glue in the other and trying to tape and glue the pieces back together before someone finds it shattered but they just wont stick. He’s going to need some stronger, more productive tools. Maybe a fag will do the trick.

It’s sometime in the early morning, the sun just rising and shedding warmth into Zayn's otherwise cold room. Zayn’s running on barely a wink of sleep and itchy skin but he still manages to drag himself out of bed and to the open window with his Marlboros and lighter and perch himself on the stable window sill, one leg slung out and the other pressed to his chest. He smokes one that manages to remove the twitch in his hands, the second smoke forces him to inhale and exhale when he doesn’t want to, the third smoke clears his mind somewhat for a few precious moments. He looses track of how many cigarettes he’s hit in the past hour but he smokes his last when the yellow colored Robins try to sing him a tune and he checks the time and remembers he has somewhere to be very soon.

So Zayn stuffs his stomach with a quick breakfast of toast waffles and sausage before Harry and Louis wake up and harass him then readies himself for his day. He wasn't sure what today held for him besides the events he has planned but he has this strange feeling in the pit of his stomach that is telling him today isn’t going to be like any other normal day. Or as normal as it gets in his life.

“Zayn! You’re not locking yourself in your room for another week again, are you?!” Louis shouts, banging on Zayn’s door angry and fast.

Zayn rolls his eyes and sighs heavily and tiredly, looks at himself in the mirror to adjust his fresh from the laundry clothes and the rectangular black frames perched on his nose before trudging to the door and flinging it open with his bestconvincing smile. “No, why would you think that?” Zayn asks, cocking his head to the side and feigning genuinely curiosity.

“Because, well, um Harry told me what happen the other day and I-uh- I guess I just thought…” Louis cuts off, closing his eyes into slits and looking Zayn up and down with a weird expression on his face. He looks thrown off and Zayn guesses it’s because Louis must have expected to find him ratty and dirty and depressed not clean and smiling such a big  ~~ _fake_~~ smile that you can’t tell it apart from his genuine smile. “You shaved that damn Shia Labeouf beard and gelled your hair and are those glasses?” Louis ask, pointing to the thin frames on Zayn’s face that he only wears when alone, opting for contacts the rest of the time. Another thing he never told the lads but he use to be made fun of for his glasses as a child so why would he tell them that. “When the hell did you get glasses? What happen? I’m lost.”

“Nothing happened, Lou. And I've always had glasses, just never wore them in front of you. Not a big deal.” He says, shrugging and Louis squints at him before the corner of his mouth to tip upwards and he shrugs himself.

“Yes, It is actually, you're like a whole other person. But now the reason why I came to your dungeon, Liam’s coming over in an hour or so, so at least you'll look good for your man.” Louis teases but Zayn’s smile drops from his face instantly as his heart leaps from his chest, onto the ground where it flounders for a moment before shriveling up and dying. Zayn’s been avoiding this day, the day when he would have to face Liam. The man came two times already but Zayn has managed to make an escape each time. The first time he left to Doniya's and the second time he went to get a new tigar tattoo on his upper arm that he's been planning to get for a month or so. It took a few good hours and by the time he returned home Liam was long gone.

“I actually have somewhere I need to be in…” He pauses, tugging up the Navy blue sleeve covering his right arm to read the watch strapped to his wrist. “13 minutes so I’ll see you lot whenever I get back.” He continues, stepping around Louis and purposely avoiding his stare.

“He’s leaving, babe! I told you that'd happen if we warned him! We should have gone with my plan but you fail to recognize my genius!” Louis yells down the hallway, running past Zayn and into the living room. Zayn stops walking, blinking at Louis as the boy collides with Harry’s bigger body that just rounded the corner. They make brief eye contact before Zayn breaks into a sprint down the hallway as Harry dashes towards the front door. There is no way in hell that they are trapping him in here.

“Harry, move.” Zayn demands, coming to an halt in front of Harry’s body that stands guard in front of the front door as if he's some kind of bouncer. Zayn crosses his arms, keeping a tall stature and trying to come across as threatening but Harry’s taller and wider and if it came down to Zayn being forced to take physical action and remove Harry from his spot, Harry could probably defend himself with just his fingers alone. Sometimes Zayn questions his manliness.

“No. This will be the third time Liam has come over and your not here! You can’t keep avoiding him, Zayn!” Harry lectures but Zayn huffs and rolls his eyes before checking his vibrating phone.

“C’mon, Haz! Perrie is waiting for me!” He shouts, flashing his phone that shows a text from Perrie announcing that she’s waiting outside. “We’re going to this really interesting art show across town! Look!” He says, gesturing to his body. “I got dressed up and even got my cast colored two days ago to match my outfit! I’m wearing a damn cardigan, for christ sake, you know it’s important if I wear a cardigan!”

“Which is more important, some silly art show or Liam’s feelings! He thinks you don’t want to see him.” _Because I don’t,_  Zayn admits internally. Harry frowns as if he had read Zayn's thoughts and tries out his best Liam puppy pout and even though the pout isn’t the same as Liam’s, it’s somewhat effective in making him feel slightly guilty. Slightly.

“It’s not some silly art show. Not to me.” Zayn mumbles instead.

“Oi! Guess who just texted me. Liam. Looks like he arrived earlier then I expected.” Louis speaks, smirking at his phone as he types out a reply. Zayn turns, gaping at Louis as his heart drums in his ears and his palms sweat. He spins around to look at Harry who is biting back a smile but at least has the decency to look nervous and caught when Zayn glares at him.

“You did this purposely, didn’t you?! Louis told me he’d be here in an hour! You fucking lied!” He curses angrily and paces the small area, racking his brain for an idea on how to get out. It’s clear that Harry isn’t going to move, he can try to escape through the fire escape outside the window but that’s easier said then done. He’ll just have to camp out in his room or stuff his head into the garage disposable and flip the switch. Either way he wont have to see or deal with Liam Payne so either one he is open to.

“That we did, Zayner. ’m not even sorry.” Louis confesses, a smirk still glued to his face and Zayn has half a mind to throttle the lad. Or fuck half, he might just do it.

“Do you hate me! Is that it? Is that why you’re doing this to me!” He cries, looking between the two people who are trying to ruin his life further. He thought Harry understood that he just can’t be around Liam. Not yet. Harry’s suppose to get it, he suppose to be supportive. Why are they doing this? Zayn’s heart is tarred down the middle and they aren’t helping him stitch it back up by bringing Liam to his fucking _home_ and ripping his process to shreds. Zayn just needs time, what’s so hard to comprehend about that? Sure, Zayn didn’t exactly make his misery known with speech or brooding everywhere but does he really have too? Shouldn’t some weird sixth sense come with close friendships?

“Relax, Zayn. We’ll be here with you.” Harry tries to reasons, obviously taking notice to just how upset about this Zayn really is but Zayn’s head snaps to face him, frowning deeply and fist balled.

“How do I know that’s not a lie too! How do I know you’re not going to just leave me!” He shouts and he doesn’t care if they think he’s over reacting. He’s still fucking hurting and he knows seeing Liam will only do more harm then good. He just needed to distance himself from Liam for a while, not forever, just for a few weeks, maybe a couple of months or maybe even year, maybe the rest of his goddamn life, actually. Either way, he’s not ready to see Liam. His wounds are still too fresh and Liam’s presence will only dig deeper and spread it painfully wider, seeping blood and pitiful tears.

“Hey, don’t be like that, Zayn.” Louis frowns but Zayn scuffs and stomps off to his room-ignoring the shooting pain that travels along his injured ribs from the force of each stomp- to lock himself in there for the rest of the week again. He could use the bed rest anyway.

“Oh, no you don’t. Come back here.” Harry instructs, locking Zayn’s hand in his own just before Zayn has the chance to slam the door in his face. There’s knocking echoing through the house seconds later and Zayn’s face falls. He looks up at Harry desperately, shaking his head side to side frantically, begging him with his eyes to just let him go but Harry only bites his lip and looks away, walking off to the living room with a devastated Zayn in tow.

He wants to cry.

The knocking comes to a stop and footsteps and voices echo off the walls. Zayn can feel the perspiration leaking from his palms and he’s already resenting the moment he turns that corner. A million voices scream inside of his mind, asking questions and drowning him with nerves and doubts but they all come to an abrupt stop- along with his breathing- when he finally rounds that corner and comes face to face with the cause of his panic.

“Hey.” Liam greets slowly, his lip- _his bloody lips_ -between his teeth and eyes wide with nerves and Zayn just can’t say anything right away, he fucking can’t. All he can do is blink like a dear caught in the headlights with his jaw slack and throat dry. He soon realize that his lungs will implode if he doesn’t fucking breathe and takes a deep inhale before licking inside his mouth to provide moisture.

“H-hey.” Zayn stutters, cursing internally because It feels like he’s back at square one, standing in front of Liam like they’ve gotten nowhere, like Zayn’s gotten nowhere and he’s still that shy, stuttering and scared shitless kid he was all those months ago. It makes him question every thought he’s had over these very long months. He knows he hasn’t made all that much progress, he still has those awful thoughts and paranoia’s but he can now have a conversation with a stranger and be touched physically without fearing it will end in harm. He was able to be around the lads, around Liam and not stutter or break eye contact every 2 seconds or be convinced that they’re going to judge and hate and hurt him if he says something wrong. He grew bravery wise, he thinks but now he feels like a coward standing in front of Liam and he feels trapped, like he’s been cornered and there’s no escape. Because he is and there isn’t.

“Can I talk to you? In private?” Liam asks hopefully and Zayn wants to, oh he wants to deny so bad, wants to never be around Liam again, specially in private, wants to run off to his room and hide in his closet. His mind is yelling _nonono, don’t do it Zayn, don’t do it_ but what comes out his mouth is something completely different.

“Okay.” He breathes, breaking eye contact to stare at the floor. He follows Liam to his-Zayn- room, his hands twitching at his sides and each step faltering as he gets closer and closer to _private._ He looks back at Harry and Louis, trying to send them messages with his mind to rescue him but they look away as if they hadn’t noticed the desperation in his eyes and disappear from view. Some great fucking mates, he has, huh?

They enter Zayn’s room and Zayn closes the door behind him, leaning against it just incase he needs a quick escape while Liam sits on the edge of his bed, elbows resting on his spread knees and hands folded. Zayn’s eyes downcast to the floor, his hands gripping the doorknob tight behind him as he waits anxiously for Liam to speak.

“I just, I wanted to apologize for… for what happen the other day.” Liam begins, sounding sincere as he stares at his hands with a worried expression. “I should have grown some and apologized sooner but I panicked. I just, I got so angry when Perrie showed up because-”

“Perrie and I, we aren’t together.” Zayn cuts off, feeling like it’s necessary for Liam to know this before he continued on about how Perrie was being a bad girlfriend and such. He can’t let Liam bad mouth Perrie when he doesn’t know the truth.

Liam’s head snaps up, surprise and something else that Zayn can’t name, looking him in the eye. “You’re not? But I thought…” Zayn shakes his head and shrugs his shoulders.

“She was only my date to the wedding. Nothing more. I tried telling you lot, I really did but you all just assumed and wouldn’t listen.” He explains. Liam laughs to himself and runs his hands over his face.

“Well now I feel like an idiot.” He admits, words muffled behind his hands. “I was all jea-mad for no reason at all.” Zayn doesn’t laugh along, instead he wonders if he should ask Liam about Danielle. Ask what’s going on between them and why he hasn’t told Zayn about it. He wants to ask what is so special about Danielle, what’s so great besides her looks because it doesn’t seem like there is anything interesting going on in her mind or coming out of her mouth . He wants to ask how did someone like her, whiny and conceded, managed to snag someone like Liam, genuine and selfless. He wants to ask but he wont because he doesn’t want to know.

“Alright, guess we’re done here, yeah?” Zayn speaks dryly and turns around to yank the door open but he doesn’t make it very far before his name is being called. _Fuck_. He backtracks into the room and turns to face Liam again. “Yes?” He bites out though he’s not mad at Liam. His blood is just boiling angrily at the thought of Danielle and her ridiculous curly hair and her offending skimpy outfits.

“Is something wrong? You seem kind of upset.” Liam questions worriedly as he stands from the bed and makes his way towards Zayn. Liam stretches his arm around Zayn’s head and closes the door behind him. Well there goes his escape route.

“Nothing’s wrong. 'm fine.” He lies, even tries to muster up a convincing smile but he must have forgotten the convincing part because Liam doesn’t look as if he believes him.

“You know, when most people say they’re fine, they normally aren’t.” Liam counters, raising an eyebrow and Zayn snorts, ducking under Liam’s arm that has him trapped by the door because the proximity of their position was a little to close for him to handle and walks across the room.

“Well I am.” Zayn responds weakly as he travels around his room, trailing his fingers over his nibbled on pencils and crumpled sheets of paper and an envelope resting on his desk that he’s been avoiding opening.

“C’mon, Zayn. Just tell me what’s wrong, you always keep everything to yourself. Just this once tell me something, please.” Liam pleads and Zayn stops walking, turns to lean against his desk and crosses his arms. He thinks about it, wonders just exactly what Liam wants him to say. What something he wants to hear. Zayn knows he owes Liam and the lads explanations, he even said in the hospital that he’d come clean but he’s been avoiding that moment. But now Liam is pressing again. Zayn wonders if he should just ask about Danielle or if it’s maybe time to tell the truth. The way Liam phrased his statement leaves him with options. And a part of him is telling him to just do it, that he’d feel a lot better once he gets all the secrets and lies out of the way but a bigger part of him is telling him not too.

“There’s nothing to tell.” Zayn ends up saying. He knows he’s being stubborn but is now really the right time to tell Liam the somethings he wants to know? But then again will it ever be the right time to tell Liam anything?

Liam huffs, rolling his eyes in the process. “You know, I don’t understand you, Zayn.” He begins, sounding defeated. “I don’t understand how you can say there is nothing to tell even after everything, after the scars, after your mate Danny told us you lived in a foster home, after your foster parents showed up to the wedding and did what they did. Three major secrets, all exposed by someone else and I’m sure there’s so much more we don’t know but probably wont ever find out from you. At first we respected your decision to keep quiet because we hardly knew you and we couldn’t expect you to share your secrets with strangers but we aren’t strangers anymore. We’re a big old family, Zayn. Do you get that?” Liam wonders, a frown edged in his face as he looks at Zayn.

Liam’s words don’t even upset Zayn, not like they would have before. Before he would have became defensive immediately, got angry and maybe stomped out of the room but he’s tired of putting those defensive's up as soon as things get personal. Liam’s right and maybe it might be time to let those walls come crashing down and let the truth ring free. But there’s one part of Liam’s speech that squeezes Zayn’s heart and reminds him of the dark truth. _Family_.

Fucking _family_. Zayn’s never liked hearing that word, hated it when any of the lads refereed to themselves as his brothers or anything related. He’s tired of hearing those words and feeling crushed. Love and families and happiness just don’t fit into his life.

“But I ruin families, Liam.” He ends up whispering sadly, eyes prickling with threatening tears that he blinks back immediately. Liam’s eyebrows furrow and his head cocks to the side.

“What do you mean?” He asks, stepping the short distance separating them and standing in front of Zayn’s slightly trembling body. Zayn bends his head towards the ground so Liam can’t see the crumpled mess he can feel himself becoming and stares at the floor beneath them.

“I… I ruined my family, Li, I d-don’t trust myself with another one.” He confesses, hoping that will explain at least explain _something_. His ears can’t believe the words coming from his mouth though, and his mind can’t believe the vulnerable state he’s putting himself in and his chest feels tight but there’s no going back now. Not when Liam looks so invested into the conversation already.

“How?” Liam asks, “How did you…”

Zayn presses his lips together, blinking frequently to keep liquid from spilling from his eyes. He’s frustrated with himself for wanting to cry but the flashbacks of blazing hot flames, dust and debris and his parents petrified faces are playing before his eyes and it's heart-renching. “It was an accident.” He starts. “I was four, I just wanted to surprise my parents, was all. I didn’t mean for it to happen.” Zayn grips the desk behind him tighter as he desperately tries to explain that he’s not a murderer, that he loved his parents as much as a person could, without telling Liam exactly what happen. Yet.

“Zee, what accident? What did you do?” Liam asks. Zayn looks up, staring at Liam through his blurry eyes, shakes his head and looks back down.

“I-I killed them, Liam.” He blurts as tears leak from his eyes for the first time and it feels strange having the liquid run down his cheeks, it's itchy and wet and weird. It's so real and discomforting admitting the truth to another person. Zayn’s never told a soul, he’s never even said the words in his mind and now he can’t stop the tears from flowing down his face from the reality of the words now that they've finally been spoken aloud. “I d-didn’t mean too!” He continues quickly. “I w-was only a baby, I was stupid, so s-stupid. I didn’t know how to w-work the stove and then the fire, I was t-terrified a-and...” Liam closes the rest of the distance that separates them and pulls Zayn into his chest, closing his arms around his shoulders and Zayn’s arms instinctively wrap around his waist. He buries his face in Liam’s shoulder, not feeling an ounce of guilt that he’s soaking Liam’s soft cotton shirt with his salty pitiful tears.

“I’m s-so disgusting and horrible, the only p-people who have ever c-cared about me, I... I k-killed. I ruined my... my family, I don't d-deserve another o-one. ” Zayn says through his sobs, not caring if he sounds ridiculous or if Liam is growing annoyed. Liam asked for this for fucks sake, he put Zayn in this position, he made Zayn confess this shit, now he has to deal with the extra baggage.

“Don't say those things, Zayn, it was an accident, it’s not your fault.” Liam tries to sooth. “And you’re probably the one person I know who deserves a family more then the rest of us.” He adds strongly, rubbing Zayn’s back comfortingly but even if the touch relaxes his tense muscles, his guilt and pain ceases to decrease.

“Liam, don’t you get i-it? I killed the only t-two people who have ever l-loved me. No one has ever g-given a shit since. No cares and no one loves me.” He explains, trying to get Liam to understand something so obvious. It was clear to Zayn from the beginning that he will never find the same love in anyone that he felt from his parents or even a love greater. It was clear from that point on that someone like him doesn’t deserve love, wouldn’t receive love again and it’s been proven on so many occasions that he doesn’t even feel that hope for it anymore. It's like his eternal punishment for killing his parents is to be alone and unwanted for the rest of his life.

“Are you kidding me?” Liam breathes, chuckling and pulling away slightly to look at the flushed and wet mess that is Zayn with an incredulous look. He removes the glasses from Zayn’s face, sets them on the desk and wipes at the wet streaks on his cheeks. “That’s not true.”

“But it is.” Zayn denies.

“No, it’s not. And you know why?”

“Liam-”

“Because I love you.” Liam continues and Zayn sighs, looking away and shakes his head because Liam doesn't know how much those words actually hurt and he should never say that again. 

“I know, Liam, you've said that before, you and the lads love me and we’re family now but you just don’t understand-”

“No, Zayn.” Liam cuts off, taking Zayn’s face between his hands and forcing him to look up. “ _You_ don’t understand.” He states firmly, staring hard into Zayn's eyes and Zayn scrunches his eyebrows in confusion. 

“Liam, what are you-”

“I’m in love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG! I've kept you guys waiting for so long and now I'm pissing myself with nerves because i don't know. I don't know if I built it up enough, I don't know if it was the right time. I DON'T KNOW. Just let me know what you thought.
> 
> And don't worry, there's still so much explaining to do and stuff. Like, this isn't done, not yet. I still don't have a set number of chapters or an idea but I can imagine that there will be quite a few more. I have all these ideas in my head that I have to sort out and I feel a little bad because I might just end up blindsiding you all with the last chapter. Hell, I'll probably end up blindsiding myself with the last chapter.
> 
> But whatever, leave comments and all that just so I know i didn't do a shit job. i need constant reassurance, don't judge me.


	14. chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't.... I can't even come up with an excuse except that my procrastination has reached unbelievable heights and i am so so sorry! It's been months and i am a horrible person.
> 
> I've been getting so many messages on here and tumblr asking when i was going ot update but you can thank the anons i read on tonight because they motivated me to finally fucking do it.
> 
> But yeah, this might not even make sense in most areas because it's midnight and i didn't re-read, i just slapped it up and posted it so i might disappoint but i really hope i don't.

Zayn’s heart jumps in his chest but only for a second before he falls into a deep state of confusion and doubt.

 _“I’m in love with you.”_ repeats over and over in his ears, the memory of Liam’s lips forming those words playing behind the unfocused blur of his eyes.

“I-I’m sorry, what?” He breathes, shaking his head in disbelief but it’s a bit difficult considering it’s sandwiched between Liam’s big hands.

“I said,” Liam says slowly, never breaking eye contact and it feels so intense. “I am _in love_ with you, Zayn. I am in love Zayn Malik.” Zayn next breathe hitches and his heart hurls into his chest quickly, painfully because he heard it again. He was sure he had misheard the first time but those same words are coming from Liam’s lips and his eyes and Zayn might going to need a minute because his throat is constricting and his knees feel weak.

“Now Liam,” He croaks, grabbing Liam’s wrists and pulling his hands away from his face. “Don’t… don’t you lie to me.” He warns trying to mask his desperation as he takes a cautious step back, feeling the temptation to flee because this is to good to be true and he's panicking.

It’s just… this can’t be right. He went fucking months telling, convincing himself this day would never come, convincing himself for years that something _like_ this would never happen. that this was impossible. There has to be a wrong somewhere in this situation. There has to be a tell somewhere in that sentence, in Liam’s eyes or stance that can prove that he is just saying this out of pity.

“What?” Liam breathes, his eyebrows furrowing. “I’m not lying to you.” he says in disbelief, almost sounding offended from the accusation but can you really blame Zayn for finding this completely unreal and near impossible?

“You don’t have to do this Liam. You don’t have to say that to try and make me feel better.” Zayn tells him, running a hand through his hair, fingers carding and yanking through black, sticky strains until the gel sticks between his fingers and strains of his quiff fall into his eyes.

“God, no, Zayn, I wouldn’t say that if I didn’t mean it.” Liam tells, stepping forward and resting a hand on Zayn’s shoulder to stop him from pacing. Zayn’s head snaps up to look at Liam again with wide, disbelieving eyes and Liam continues to talk. “And whether you don’t want to hear this because you don’t feel the same or-”

“No.” Zayn interrupts without thought, shaking his head vigorously because that’s not it, _fuck_ , that’s not it at all. “No, that’s not… just,” _Deep breathe, c’mon, Zayn_. “I don’t… I don’t get it.”

“Get what?”

Zayn swallows thickly and wishes he could sink into the floor. He’s not good with this. “How? Like, I didn’t-you can’t… you-you never said anything or- you don’t.” He struggles, eyes flickering around the room because he can’t look at Liam directly.

“I don’t?” he repeats, “Zayn, you can’t say that! And I may have never said anything but I gave you enough hints, didn’t I?”  _No, no you didn't!_

“I- but what about Danielle?” Zayn remembers, not quite sure why he’s trying to find reasons to prove that Liam doesn’t love him but maybe he’s doing it for Liam’s own good and Danielle seems like a decent enough reason to do the job. But deep inside he’s scolding himself for bringing her up, screaming at himself for being a stubborn idiot. But he’s ignoring that part of himself because it’s annoying and wrong.

“What about Danielle?” Liam repeats, his eyes squinted in confusion and a small frown tilting his lips downward. Zayn sighs heavily and moves away from Liam to take a seat on the edge of his bed, rest his elbows on his spread knees and rub his temples because now he’s just lost and stressed and a lot confused. “You’re together aren’t you?” the words burn his tongue and he has to hold back a cringe.

“No, why would you-” Liam stops, realization spreading over his face and yup, there it is. Here comes the truth and the rejection. This is what he was going for though, was it not?

But then there’s amusement flickering in Liam’s eyes seconds later as he takes the empty spot next to Zayn and Zayn wants to scowl at him and ask if he finds Zayn’s misery and unrequited love funny. That is until Liam’s arm is wrapping around his waist and he’s dropping his head to rest on Zayn’s shoulder. “We’re both idiots.” He says with a smile.

Zayn scrunches his eyebrows and looks at the top of Liam’s head, ignoring the instinct to shy away from Liam’s touch. “And why is that?”

“Because we’re both fussed up over absolutely nothing.”

Zayn still doesn’t understand what’s so amusing about all of this. “I’m not following.”

Liam lifts his head and looks Zayn in the eyes as he begins to explain. “I was all miffed over you and Perrie when they’re was nothing going on and just taking a guess here but you were too about me and Danielle.” _I’d say more then miffed, actually,_ Zayn thinks bitterly. “But there is nothing going on between me and Danielle.” he tells him, putting emphasis and importance in his words.

Zayn should probably rejoice to the news, be thrilled and throw confetti in the air and chant victory speeches while his heart bursts with joy or something equally stupid but no, he’s just extremely lost. “But then why’d you take her to the wedding? And why did I see you together in your car the other day?” he asks, voicing his deep confusion, fighting a grimace at the memories. His heart still drops to his feet while simultaneously clogging his throat, though.

“There’s so much explaining to do.” Zayn nods his head in agreement and gestures for Liam to continue. “Okay, guess I’ll just get to it then. The wedding, I wanted to ask you to be my date.” Liam states and if there’s a state beyond confusion-and shock- then that’s where Zayn is drifting around in so he waits for Liam to continue.

“It’s stupid and cheesy, considering you invited us but it’s true.” He shrugs, looking a bit sheepish. “But then you told us you were going with Perrie and I had to find a last minute date. And that’s where Danielle comes in. I’ve known her for a long time but only because I fake date her.” Liam admits.

“Jesus, you’re the most confusing person I’ve ever met, Liam.” Zayn interrupts, trying to follow along but now Liam’s throwing in this new-disturbing- information that makes no sense and Zayn doesn’t know where Liam is going with all of this.

“I could say the same about you.” He returns. “But anyway, it started when I realized I was gay and had my first boyfriend. I was terrified to tell my parents because they’re pretty old fashion and not very fond of the gay community so I asked Danielle-because I knew her prior and I could trust her- to be my cover. She acted as my girlfriend in front of my family and every time I asked to hang out with her I was really going to see my boyfriend at the time.” Liam explains and Zayn nods his head with squinty eyes as he tries to follow and process and piece everything together.

“And even after we had broke up, Dani still acted as my girlfriend for me. And that’s why at the wedding she was so flirty and clingy and a bit dim actually-which wasn’t necessary but she really gets into her roles so I let her do what she wants- she was just trying to fool everyone into believing we were in love and I was straight because I’m still not brave enough to tell my parents the truth.” Liam finishes, looking relieved but also a little nervous. It probably doesn’t help that Zayn doesn’t respond. Not yet.

He’s a bit busy remembering that Liam has problems too. Yes, he knows he’s not the only one going through shit but he’s usually so wrapped up in wallowing in his own self-pity he forgets about other peoples problems. Plus, Liam has talked about his family and certain things in his past but he hasn’t told Zayn about this. It makes him wonder what else he doesn’t know about Liam. It occurs to him that maybe Liam can be just as hidden or maybe even broken as Zayn is.

“I really want to hate Danielle but it’s hard to when you make her sound like a decent person.” is what he ends up mumbling for lack of anything better to say. Though it is true, she did a fairly nice thing for Liam and she actually sounds like a good person and maybe that’s what Danielle has that Zayn doesn’t.

 _No, stop that_ , he lectures himself. He shouldn’t be comparing himself to Danielle. Liam doesn’t love her so what she has and what he doesn’t have, doesn’t really matter all that much anymore. But comparing himself to others is a rather hard habit to break.

“Yeah, wish I could say the same about Perrie but you still haven’t convinced me that she isn’t out to ruin my life.” Liam says with a raised eyebrow and small smirk.

A hint of a smile creeps over Zayn’s face but he quickly bites it back in order to explain. “Perrie was just being a good friend and helping me out too.” Zayn starts. “The wedding was my ex-girlfriends wedding, not friends, and the guy she was marrying, she kind of left me for and Perrie went as my date so I wouldn’t look pathetic and like I was still in love with my ex.” He explains and Liam nods his head as he considers the good deed.

“That was nice, I guess.” He admits with a little bite in his tone as if he hates to admit that Perrie isn’t complete bad. Zayn knows how he feels.

“Yeah.” He agrees.

They fall into a silence, heavy with questions and thoughts. What runs through Zayn’s mind though is all the emotions and feelings and confessions made in the past half hour. He honestly doesn’t know how to feel right now. Liam had confessed that he was in love with him but he’s unsure if it is actually true and he’d like to think it’s kind of fair that he has his doubts and worries.

Zayn’s hesitant. He has never felt so strongly for someone, even about Lacey. He was so sure before that at a time in the past, he was in love with her but now, when he compares the feelings he had for her once to the feelings he has for Liam currently, it makes him question if his feelings for Lacey ever surpassed a strong like and an unhealthy craving for attention. When he thinks about it now, he thinks he never truly loved her to begin with, that he loved her company and attention, he loved the fact that she noticed him when no one else did. He thinks he only thought he loved her because around her he was less lonely and she called him by his name or terms of endearment instead of freak or just _boy_.

He doesn’t believe Lacey ever loved him either. Sure she said it, she kissed him and taught him things he had never known, she showed him versions of love but he doesn’t believe it ever reached the real thing. Maybe she saw that he needed love and care and that’s what she tried to give him, maybe he was her good deed, like walking an old lady across the street or getting down the cat that was stuck in the tree. Maybe she took pity on the broken boy and decided to take up a new project; him. She also snuck around and fondled with another man then left him without so much as a second thought or any given reason. If she truly cared, if she truly loved him she wouldn’t have done that. She would have at least given him the truth.

So, really, Zayn can admit, he may have never been in love. He was fooled into believing he was before but it’s now that he realizes love is what he feels for Liam.

But he’s just a little worried of how deep that love actually goes. He can’t get attached because nothing last forever.

“Zayn?”

A hesitant voice breaks him from his thoughts and he looks at Liam nervously, biting the inside of him cheek.

He draws in a sharp, surprised breath at Liam’s close proximity.

Zayn has imagined kissing Liam a lot. Like _a lot_ , a lot. He’s built this moment up in his mind, he gave himself these high expectations just because it’s been something he’s wanted to do for ages now. He was imagining things you hear about in movies like fireworks and sparks and all that nonsense. He knows it’s probably unfair to had set such high bars to reach and big expectations but it’s probably even more unfair that Liam can meet them so damn easily.

It was just an uncertain press of soft lips that set fire to Zayn’s body and how funny it is that he froze. Not at all, really. He was just a little caught off guard, is all. Give him a break, it’s not everyday that you turn your head and you’re bombarded with kisses. But then the situation quickly becomes real and current when Liam starts to back away probably because Zayn still hasn’t responded yet. So in order for this moment alive, Zayn-still in a state of shock- leans forward and puts a hand on the back of Liam’s neck to pull him back into the kiss, turning it from innocent to intense in a matter of 1.3 seconds.

Liam's lips are firm and soft, just a little bit chapped but still incredible. It's exhilarating and he hasn't felt in his life how he feels right now, so alive, so warm and tingly. He almost wants to cry because he's happy and Liam is so solid against him and he feels invincible in this moment. He runs his hands through Liam’s hair and along his shoulders and arms, just desperate to feel him now that he has the opportunity. He’s a little worried though that Liam might be put off by his insistence but that worry becomes just a quiet nagging in the back of his mind when Liam pulls him impossibly closer and presses their lips together with even more force, licking into his mouth and pressing his fingers into his back in almost a possessive way.

Zayn's mind is hazy and his hands tremble and when Liam pulls away to kiss and suck along his jaw and neck, something snaps inside Zayn’s mind. Something much like fear. He doesn’t know what triggers it but not even Liam’s wonderfully talented lips and tongue on his hot skin can distract him from the overpowering realization that, yes, he’s in deeper then he thought, he is definitely very in love with Liam and that’s terrifying because love, he’s discovering, is a terrifying thing.

So when Liam presses his lips to his again, Zayn doesn’t react the way he did before. Instead he pulls away and rests his forehead against Liam’s, closing his eyes because he can’t kiss Liam when he feels so uncertain. When he's scared of how this will turn out, of him fucking everything up before this even becomes a  _thing_ and being left alone again.

“What’s wrong?” Liam breathes, sounding suddenly worried and Zayn doesn’t want that, he doesn’t want Liam thinking he did anything wrong or something. It’s not him, it’s Zayn.

“Sorry I just-” he cuts of, swallowing thickly and wondering if he is really about to confess fear. “I’m kind of scared” He admits in a whisper, trying not to cringe at how pathetic he sounds.

“Scared of what?” Zayn keeps eye contact for a brief moment before leaning away and staring at his hands.

“I just, I’ve really been loved.” The words sound pitiful to his ears so he speaks a little stronger, quiet but less like a lonely child. “I don’t know what to expect and, like, what if I like it? What about when the love goes away?” _Because it will,_ “I’ve felt heart break but it wasn’t nearly as bad as I imagine it could of been and as much as I hate to admit it, I don’t think I’m strong enough anymore to go through something like that.” _You can seriously ruin me._

“If it helps, I’m scared too.” Liam says and Zayn looks up from his hands, his eyes locking with Liam’s sincere ones.

“You are?” He breathes, his face contorting into a look of slight disbelief.

Liam huffs a laughs and tangles their fingers together. Zayn watches and decides he likes- loves the way the contrasts of their skin blend and how easy Liam’s fingers fit between his. “Of course. I’ve only ever been in love once before but like, it’s nothing like this.” He says, addressing the two of them. “And it’s scary as hell because it can all easily go bad, something so important. It can easily break if it’s something you don’t work on.”

Zayn squeezes Liam’s hand, searching his eyes and finding the same fright in them that he feels in his bones and heart. “But I believe we can make it work because I feel something so different, so special for you, I love you and if you feel the same, even just a little, I’ll fight for us. I wont allow us to break.” Liam tells him, a strong determination in his voice and in the way he holds Zayn’s hand so tight that it’s close to painful but in a good, reassuring way.

Overwhelming emotions and feelings clog his throat, ball into a lump and threaten to come out as a sob and he leans forward, burying his face in the crook of Liam’s neck as his eyes fill with tears because Liam’s just so wonderful and perfect and what he just said, no one has ever fought for Zayn, no ones ever held his hand like this or spoke with such sincerity and determination to him, for him. It’s unbelievable. And incredible, the way it makes him feel so loved, so wanted for once. It's a feeling unlike he's ever known and he desperately hopes it never goes away.

“You mean that?” He asks, words muffled and forced as he swallows around the large lump in his throat.

Liam’s free arm comes around his shoulders and he says, “I really do.” And that’s when the tears fall free from his eyes, wetting his cheeks and landing on the bare skin of Liam’s neck. He’s never cried tears of joy, he didn’t know people actually cried when they were happy but then, here he is, crying because Liam makes him happy.

“Me too.” He says, pulling back far enough to look Liam in the eyes, wiping his own but the tears just keep coming out. “I’ll fight too. I’ll fight until you tell me to stop, until you say you don’t want me anymore. And even then I’ll try because I… I love you too and I don’t think I can stop, i tried to and i just can't.” He speaks with a vulnerability in his voice that before, he would have did everything in his power to avoided, that before would have made him uncomfortable, scared even but it’s Liam and it doesn’t feel all wrong, it feels oddly right. The silence in the room makes his words sound to loud and feel to real but like he said, it feels right.

“Good.” Liam says and goes back in to seal the deal with a kiss that Zayn would be damned if he denied.

It’s slower this time, softer but just as special. And Zayn still can’t believe he’s kissing Liam, that Liam is kissing him, that this is real. That he’s allowed to touch and feel and enjoy with permission. That he can run his hands through Liam’s hair again, feel the soft strains tickle his fingertips and palm, he can feel the slope of his shoulders and the knobs of his spine, the dips of his abs and the hard of his biceps. He can do all that, enjoy all that and Liam will too. He thinks. He hopes. A part of him, a large part, is still almost positive Liam is going to shove him away any minute and take all his words back but he tries to ignore that part. He's tired of feeling so negative.

Liam pulls back slightly minutes later, leaving his forehead against Zayn’s and only leaving less then an inch between their lips as they catch their breathes. Zayn wants to laugh, to laugh so hard from excitement because he doesn’t know what else to do. This moment feels so built up that he just needs to do something to get out all the emotions he’s feeling.

“So does this mean I get to say you’re my boyfriend now?” Liam asks quietly, smiling but it’s a little forced and he sounds nervous.

“If that means I can too.” Zayn whispers back.

Liam laughs and nods his head. “Yeah.”

And Zayn might just burst, butterflies and bright pretty colors splattering on the walls.

“Okay, either they killed each other or their doing unspeakable things because I can’t hear shit. And even then you’d think at least one of them would be a screamer.” Zayn hears a rather loud whisper outside the door suddenly and tilts his head, his face mirroring Liam’s in surprise then amusing realization.

“Louis!” Harry. “Get away from the door, give them privacy.” he whispers too but Zayn can still hear every hissed words and he’s chuckling, standing up and walking to the door with Liam trailing behind him, still so close.

“Unhand me! I refuse to be manhandled outside of the bedroom and even in there I have my limits!” Louis shouts this time and Zayn grimaces and swings the door open, a smile from amusement overtaking his face at the sight of Harry trying to drag Louis away from the door.

They both freeze when they realize the door was opened and Louis straightens himself, running his hands over his shirt as if brushing off invisible dust and clears his throat before saying, “It was all Harry’s idea. I told him it was a violation of privacy to stand by the door and listen but he clearly doesn’t listen to me.” And Harry gasps but doesn’t bother defending himself because it’s clear to everyone that that is a big fat lie.

“So how’s everything in Ziam town?” Harry asks instead and Zayn scrunches his nose, glancing at Liam to see if he has any idea what the fuck Harry just said but he looks just as lost.

“What the hell is a Ziam?”

Harry rolls his eyes and explains, “Ziam, it’s your names combined, Zayn and Liam. You know, like Brangelina.”

“Well why is Zayn’s name first?” Liam asks, a small pout on his lips that Zayn kind of wants to bite.

Louis snorts and answers, “Because then it’d be Layn and that just sound stupid.”

“And Ziam doesn’t?”

“Listen you twat, I don’t appreciate your attitude. Me and Harry sat for hours figuring that out. The least you could do is kiss my feet and say thank you. Otherwise you can kiss my arse and fuck off.” Louis snap and Zayn smothers a laugh into his hand.

“Okay, Lou, Ziam is perfect, we love it.” Liam says, snaking an arm around Zayn’s waist from behind and resting his chin on his shoulder and Zayn manages to suppress a squeal with the all mighty powers of everything good.

“You better.” Harry says this time. “Ours is Larry. I swear we sound like a boring middle aged bald man who hates children. At least yours sounds foreign and cool.”

Zayn relaxes into Liam’s chest with a sigh of contentment as he listens to Louis reprimand Harry for saying such words and laughs because this is his life, these are his friends. But something’s missing, someone’s missing.

“Where’s Niall?” he asks, catching everyone’s attention.

“Huh, where is Niall?” Liam agrees as they all exchange looks.

“I think he’s with some friends.” Harry states, looking equally concerned.

“That prick has other friends?” Louis spits, looking very displeased by that information and Zayn smiles softly, shaking his head and risking tangling Liam’s fingers with his own. He doesn't get punched, it goes smoothly and he's still pretty shocked. “This simply wont do. Babe, I need your keys, we are tracking him down.”

Harry’s eyes widen comically as he shakes his head. “No, I am not giving you my keys. You’re a horrid driver, you’ll destroy my car.”

“Wow, Harry, you really know how to flatter a man.” Louis replies dryly. “I knew there had to be a reason why I fell for you.” he adds with thick sarcasm.

“That’s what I’m here for.” Harry says before disappearing down the hallway with a very upset and offended looking Louis following close behind.

“Tired?” Liam asks once their gone, his lips moving close to his ear and Zayn fights against a shiver.

“Drained.”

“Me too. Haven’t been able to sleep very well without you.” he says and Zayn has to bite back a grin, fight against an embarrassing blush.

“Well I can take care of that.” He says and turns in Liam’s arms, urging him backwards into the room and closing the door behind them.

As soon as they’re in bed Liam knocks out like a light and Zayn stays awake to admire the jut of his bottom lip, bites it even because he can now. But soon he cuddles up to Liam, reminisce on the days events until he falls asleep as well.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh god please be nice *hides to protect myself from bodily harm*


	15. chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaye two chapters in one week... didn't see that one comin' huh?
> 
> Yeah i didn't either.
> 
> But that can be blamed on DontFuckWithLarry and hannahgraciegoose for giving me suggestions on what to do for the next (this) chapter. Without their ideas who knows when i would have updated again!
> 
> And that is proof right there that if you guys give me ideas and stuff that i will most likely be inspired and update quicker... just saying.
> 
> Plus the kudos and all comments don't hurt. Unless they're mean but i haven't gotten any mean so...
> 
> But yeah, that's enough rambling, go on and read and leave your comments, don't be shy!

It’s nothing Zayn is use too.

Things change. They change a lot yet they’re still the same somehow and it’s going to take a lot of getting use too. Like when Liam grabs his hand, it feels normal, natural but his breath still hitches and his palms sweat. When Liam kisses him Zayn’s body freezes and it takes a moment to actually react. When they’re alone, when it’s just the two of them laying in bed or sitting on the couch watching movies and eating Thai food, Zayn’s hands still tremble and his words stutter. His mind screams at him for acting so stupid, for being so shy and nervous but he can’t help, he just fucking _can’t_ and it’s frustrating.

It’s different. It’s a nice difference, getting to be so close to Liam in the way he's wanted for so long, and able hold him and kiss him and feel him but it’s terrifying all the same. It’s been about a month and the word boyfriend still sounds odd in his ears, taste weird on his tongue.

Perrie nearly cried when Zayn told her about him and Liam, which made Zayn laugh a little. She complained about how it’s _“about fucking time”_ and told him how happy she was for him and how they finally got their stupid heads out of their arses, how she’s happy they’re in each others now and Zayn squeaked, shoved at her arm for the dirty comment. She had just laughed hysterically and Zayn vowed to never return to her flat again (which is a complete lie of course).

Doniya was absolutely thrilled, fucking bouncing off the walls after he went to her house a week ago and told her everything. She kissed all over his face, hugged him so tight his insides almost crushed (it’s a good thing his ribs are healed otherwise that would have really hurt). She insist that he bring Liam by as soon as possible, that she’s going to cook a four course meal and they’re going to sit at the dinning table and bond. Or in other words, she’s going to interrogate Liam as if she’s a mother.

When they left the room that day, after taking a long nap, Louis threw as many slick comments and sexual innuendos at them as humanely possible, as if he was holding them back since the day he found Zayn near starkers in the hallway. Niall pouted and complained about how he _“misses everything”_ and Louis gave him shit about having other friends.

And Harry. Harry took him out the room and gave him the longest, most sincere hug Zayn has ever received and Zayn cried. Just a little. Silently. It was more just small tears in his eyes because he felt so overwhelmed and kind of lost. But he was happy nonetheless. Very fucking happy which was a whole new feeling.

They had insisted on going to a pub or a club across town in order to celebrate but that’s something Zayn just couldn’t do at the moment. Just the thought of being closed in by hundreds of sweaty, sticky, nasty bodies grabbing for him made his breathing speed up and his head hurt. Liam had must of sensed something too because he denied, told them some other time and Zayn was incredibly grateful.

But that some other time seems to be today because Louis is shoving him into the bathroom, shouting _“We are getting white girl wasted tonight so clean your arse!”_

Liam is apparently coming over later, texted Zayn earlier saying _Coming over tonight babe xx_ which successfully made Zayn turn a the darkest shade of red. Niall is already in their kitchen scarfing down a bucket of chicken breasts and Harry is at a liquor store buying vodka to shoot down before they go out. And Zayn plans on being as blasted as he possibly can be if he wants to be in a crowded building without having a panic attack.

So Zayn takes a steaming shower, washing his hair with two hands now because he got his cast removed finally, and humming Jason Derulo to himself, his voice bouncing off the shower walls. Once he’s out he finds clothes neatly folded on the toilet, shoes on the floor besides it and a pack of condoms and lube sitting on the sink that he blushes fiercely at, choking on his own spit and taking the items and burying them deep in the sink cabinet. Louis just thinks he’s so funny.

The clothing was just a simple black pair jeans with a few small rips, and a black v-neck t-shit that he eyes warily before slipping on. He grabs the grey sweater he was wearing just before he went into the shower and puts that on because he’s not very comfortable walking around in a t-shirt like that, specially in public, and toes on the black boots besides the toilet. After styling his hair into a fluffy but firm quiff, he clips on a thin silver necklace and slips on a few rings because he has a new thing for rings lately.

Coming out the bathroom, Zayn finds Louis admiring his outfit in the new hallway mirror, turning in different angles and cupping his own arse. Zayn snorts at him and walks past, straight into the kitchen and stealing a chicken breast from the near empty bucket.

“Oi! That was the last one you dick!” Niall complains, a disapproving pout on his lips that Zayn ignores because Niall just vacuumed up a 20 piece bucket, he can spare one.

“Getting drunk, can’t drink on an empty stomach.” He excuses, shrugging and taking a large bite of the meat in his hands.

Niall tosses the bucket in the bin and swipes in to take a quick bite of Zayn’s chicken as well. “Which is precisely why I need all twenty.” Niall says with a full mouth, pieces of chicken landing on Zayn’s chin and he grimaces and wipes them off with the hem of Niall’s shirt.

“Oi, you got it all dirty! Now I have to steal one of Harry’s shirts.” And then he’s off, out of the kitchen in a matter of seconds pulling off his shirt in the process.

When Liam arrives a half an hour later with Harry, he goes straight up to Zayn with a smile and pecks him on the lips, his eyes gleaming. The butterflies in Zayn’s stomach move so frantically he’s almost nauseous.

“You look lovely.” Liam tells him, still so close and his hands gripping Zayn’s hips so sweetly.

Zayn smiles, blushes embarrassingly at the compliment and hides his face in Liam’s neck, kissing the skin there becomes it’s to tempting to ignore. Liam holds him tighter, laughs and Zayn can feel the sound vibrate against him and it feels so perfect.

Harry coos at them before calling them over for a few shots. Zayn only takes down two for now, knowing it wont do much to him only buzz him if anything because surprisingly he’s not a lightweight. The rest of them, except Liam who is the designated driver, take a couple more, already showing sure signs that tonight they will be properly smashed by the time they get home.

And that’s how he ends up alone at the bar in some retro club trying to steady his breathing so he wont start to panic while watching Harry and Louis dance drunkenly and provocatively on the dance floor and Niall try and fail to flirt with a dark skinned girl with long dark waves cascading down her back. Liam just left to go to the car to get his phone because he forgot to bring it in and Zayn’s alone and his heart is pounding In his ears.

His eyes are scanning the room for Liam or some kind of room he can escape to for a moment or two when he feels the presences of another body besides him. He breathes a sigh of relief and turns, expecting to find Liam there with his phone and his comfort but it’s not Liam he finds standing next to his seat, it’s a tall, stocky man with light hair and an intense smirk aimed at him. He sucks in a startled breath, his eyes widening and his hands gripping the seat under him. He doesn’t like the feeling he has right now around this man and it could just be because he’s on edge but there’s just something in that smirk that screams bad news.

“You look like you could use a drink.” The man says, his voice deep and smooth but unsettling and way to suggestive for Zayn’s liking.

Zayn gulps and looks away, his breathing speeding up and his stomach clenching painfully. He glances back up just for a moment before he breaks eye contact with the stranger again because his eyes are a too familiar shade that sets fear in his bones. “I’m fine.” he says weakly, staring at his lap.

“Yes, you are.” The man says slowly and Zayn can feel his eyes skimming his body. “I’m Kyle and you are?” he adds. Zayn’s entire body tenses, his muscles incredibly tight when Kyle runs a persistent hand across his back and leans in to close.

“C-can you just-” he gulps, feeling scared and pathetic for being scared. “leave me alone.” he closes his eyes and tries to concentrate on not freaking out but Kyle is still touching him, his fingertips pressing into his back and it’s all he can focus on.

“Leave you alone? But I just got here.” his voice sounds dangerous and a bit slurred and much to like a threat to Zayn’s ears. And Zayn just doesn’t fucking know what to do so he shuts down, the only thing he knows how to do in a situation like this. He lets it happen because he’s afraid and doesn’t know what else he’s suppose to do to get this guy to back off. He feels like he’s back in that foster home so many months ago, small and helpless, being taken advantage of because he’s to much of a coward to stand up for himself. His body is frozen, he can’t move even if he tried and he just might burst into tears.

Firm hands that pinned him down flash through his mind so vivid he can almost feel them squeezing his wrist, leaving awful bruises. Forceful actions, and his begging, pleads, echo in his ears and now he literally can’t breathe and his body is beginning to sweat. He’s shrinking into himself and his vision is dark and unfocused, his face pale and this mans actions all to triggering to his locked away memories.

“Now, I’m gonna get you a drink and after that we can-”

“We can what?” Someone cuts in suddenly, the voice angry and very familiar and Zayn’s head shoots up, air finally rushing back into his body when he finds safety. His stomach uncoils a bit but he’s still trembling with a fear he tries to hide away.

“Oi, don’t mind us, mate, we were just about to leave.” Kyle says, turning towards Zayn and reaching for him and Zayn’s eyes widen, his mouth opening but no words coming out.

“Don’t you fucking touch him again.” Liam spits, shoving the man a foot back and reaching out himself for Zayn this time, taking his hand and urging Zayn off the stool. Zayn manages to pry himself off the stole he was frozen to and link himself to Liam’s side, gripping his hand tightly because he’s afraid if Liam’s hand slips from his grasp he’ll loose himself.

Kyle stands shocked for a few beats before he comes back to reality and stocks over, stopping right in front of Liam’s face with a terrible glare. The two are about the same height, give or take an inch or two and their builds are similar but Zayn is terrified that if this progresses, there is still a 50/50 chance Liam can get seriously hurt. And it’s all his fault.

Fuck.

He knew he’d end up hurting Liam somehow. He just didn’t anticipate it happening like this or this soon.

The tension in the air is heavy and thick and the possibility of things turning physical looks far to great right now. That is until two people are rushing over and standing on either side of Liam, looking between the three of them with confused but upset looks.

“I don’t know what’s going on right now but Liam looks murderous so whoever pissed Liam off has pissed me off as well.” Harry speaks up, his words a bit jumbled but still coherent enough to understand.

“And whoever pisses of my Har bear and Li bear have to deal with me.” Louis adds in, swaying a bit and a funny looking angry face that would actually be amusing in any other situation.

“You might want to get your buddy out of here, mate, before he has to be taken out in a body bag.” Kyle threatens, addressing Louis.

“Oi! Hold on a bloody minute!” Louis shouts, his hands flying up. “You did not just threaten Leemo? Do you know his last name? Do you? It’s Payne, not P-A-I-N but P-A-Y-N-E because he’s on a whole other level! He’s not Liam Payne for no reason, Mister.” Louis shouts, jabbing his stubborn finger into Kyle’s chest.

Kyle looks ready to spat something, Harry has his fist balled, standing tall and protective, and Liam looks about ready to castrate someone and something snaps in Zayn, bringing him back to reality quickly.

Realizing there could possibly be a fight breaking out all because of him, he quickly shoulders around Kyle and grips the sides of Harry and Louis’ shirts with one hand and clutches Liam’s hand with his other and starts yanking them towards the exit at a fast speed. All three are protesting, Louis shouting explicates the whole way but Zayn is to determined to protect them to give up now. He drags all three through the thick crowd and out the exit and into the warm outside air, releasing them quickly and taking a long, shaky breathe.

He’s about to turn around and suggest that they go home now but instead he’s being yanked into a broad body, sucking in a sharp inhale when Liam’s lips crash painfully into his. He doesn’t respond, to shocked from Liam’s forceful and jealous behavior to move or think. Liam’s trying to force his mouth open but Zayn puts two hands on Liam’s chest and pushes him off him, his eyes wide with fright because never once was he reminded of his foster parents when kissing Liam, but right now, it’s all he can think about.

Liam’s eyes are angry and they stare hard at each other for what feels like hours, the world around them fading out and all Zayn can hear is the sound of his own rapid breathing. He almost misses Harry telling them him and Lou are going to catch a cab and for Zayn and Liam to take the car.

Their stare only breaks when Liam turns around swiftly and heads for the car, Zayn having no other choice but to follow.

Liam’s already in the drivers seat when Zayn climbs in and he’s gripping the steering wheel tight, his knuckles turning white. Zayn slides down the seat a little, hunching into himself and staring at his lap as if he’s a child about to be yelled at by their parents for misbehaving. Of course he wouldn’t know exactly how that would feel like, but he imagines it’s a lot like this, feeling awful and like a disappointment. Because that’s what he did tonight, he disappointed Liam didn’t he? He disappointed him and hurt him without even trying. Because that’s all he does, is hurt the people he loves.

The drive to the apartment building it silent and tense and Zayn doesn’t move an inch the whole time, to afraid of setting off more disaster. When Liam parks in the garage he stays put in his seat and Zayn takes that as he should stay put too.

It’s a thick silence until it’s broken by Liam’s tempered voice, causing Zayn to jump in his seat from surprise. “What the fuck was that?”

Zayn’s face falls and he looks up to find Liam glaring at his own hands. He still shrinks back and struggles to speak. “I- I… Liam, I-” but he falls short, unsure what exactly Liam is referring to but to afraid to ask him to be more specific.

“Seriously Zayn! You just let him touch you like that, you didn’t even try to stop him!” Liam’s fuming, steam practically coming out his ears and Zayn is terrified. He knows somewhere inside that Liam will never lay a harmful hand on him but there’s a strong doubt in his mind and a stronger part of his mind telling him that he deserves it if Liam does. He fucked up. He fucked up so bad because he’s a pathetic coward.

“Liam-” Zayn says weakly, wanting so badly to explain why he didn’t shove that prick away, why he let himself be taken advantage of like that, wanting to tell Liam all the bad memories that flashed through his mind, the ones that caused him to shut down but he knows if he explains Liam will only be disgusted with him. Or worse, pity him.

“No Zayn, did you want that? Did you want him to touch you like that or something?” Liam doesn’t sound as angry as he did a moment ago, hurt overpowering the anger and that’s possibly even worse. Zayn would rather Liam scream at him, hit him even than look at him like that, with those sad eyes and frown, insecurity in his voice.

Zayn sits a little higher, turns his body a bit to face Liam better. “No, Liam, please-” he’s choking up, a thick lump in his throat making it hard to speak because he's hurting the only person who dared to love him in so long and he hates himself a lot right now. “I can- I can explain.”

“Then please explain.”

Zayn pauses, his mouth opening and closing multiple times, trying to find the right words and the goddamn courage to say them aloud but he fucking can’t because fear is getting the better of him. Fear that Liam will leave him after he finds out the truth, the extent of his abuse that Zayn worries may have fucked him up a bit more then he thought. Liam will hate him. He’ll hate him so much. He’ll be disgusted and horrified and he’ll pity him.

Finally Zayn sinks into his seat, his eyes wet as he whispers in defeat, “I can’t.”

And that seems to upset Liam further, which is understandable. “After all this time, after everything we’ve been through, after all the secrets that I’ve accepted and you still don’t trust me.” Liam stresses. “You still wont let me in and it’s frustrating Zayn. I give you space and I don’t push, I respect you and your privacy but- but we’ve known each other nearly a year, I’ve been in love with you for more then half that and it hurts that you still wont open up to me.”

Zayn blinks and before he knows it water is pouring from his eyes. Liam’s words ache him because they’re filled with hurt and they’re true and he’s so goddamn frustrated with himself. Zayn wants to tell him so bad it’s painful and he is so close to but he just keeps holding out, not only because he knows Liam will be put off but because the past still hurts and he’s still so ashamed. Admitting what he let himself be subjected to will only make it that much more painful and real. Liam can’t handle it, Zayn knows it. Liam can’t handle everything Zayn is, all the baggage he still carries around. Liam isn’t ready to hear the truth and Zayn is not ready to admit it. Maybe they’re both just not ready for each other.

A panic sets into Zayn's veins, a panic telling him it's flight time, convincing him that they both really are not ready for this and putting an end to their relationship is the only way to protect Liam, to assure that Liam will be happy in the future. He wont ever be happy with someone who is practically afraid of their own shadow. “Liam, maybe we shouldn’t be doing this.” Zayn finally says after a long moment and the words clench his heart in an iron grip. But he's doing this for Liam. For Liam, he'll do anything.

Liam’s head snaps in his direction, his eyes wide. “What?”

“This.” Zayn repeats, gesturing between them. “I don’t think we’re ready for each other.”

Liam looks shocked and he speaks softer now, his voice lowering ten folds at the realization that Zayn is suggesting they break up. “Not ready.” He repeats. “Zayn you’re jumping to conclusions. We can talk this through.”

Zayn’s voice is shaky as he speaks and he can feel his heart slowly deteriorating inside his chest. “No I-” he gulps. “I’m not good for you, I’m just going to hurt you somehow and-and I’m to- I have all these- fuck. This last month has been incredible, better then incredible but I… I don’t think we should take it further.” _I’m so fucked up, don’t listen to me, don’t leave me._

Liam unhooks his belt and turns his body so it’s angled to face Zayn and he takes Zayn’s hands in his own, moving his head to try and find his eyes. He doesn’t. “The first sign that something can fall apart and you run. Zayn, you can’t do that. This is just one argument, it was bound to happen eventually but we just have to work past it so we can get back to the better parts. I meant it when I said I’d fight for you and I’m not going to let you give up so easily.”

Zayn feels a relief spread through his chest though he's not going to change his mind about this. He sniffs and falls forward into Liam’s chest, his body shaking and his words coming out forced and strangled. “You don’t understand. You don’t _understand_.” 

Liam releases his hands to take him in his arms and rub his back, the action soothing but not soothing enough to calm him down. “Then explain it to me, I can’t understand if you don’t talk to me.”

Zayn shakes his head against Liam’s chest, his tears smearing on his cheeks. “Fuck I can’t, _I can’t_.” he fists the front of Liam’s shirt as a bottled up sob escapes his throat and he hates himself for it, for letting himself cry again in front of Liam but he couldn’t fight it and he feels defeated by his own thoughts.

“All I do is-is fuck things up, I’m just going to f-fuck this up too.”

“Zayn, baby, please just tell me what this is about.” Liam is pleading with him, exhaustion but dedication in his tone but Zayn just pushes away quickly, presses his lips together and wipes furiously at his eyes.

“I think I should just… get some sleep.” he says quietly. “And you too, yeah? You should- you should just go home and get some sleep too.” And before Liam can respond Zayn is out the car and heading to the elevator at a quick speed, hitting the button and breathing a sigh of relief when it opens immediately. He doesn’t look out into the garage when he presses the floor number, keeps his focus on the lit up buttons and tries not to fall apart right there.

He’s so stupid. So fucking stupid.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY HEEEEEEY FOLLOW ME ON TUMBLR GUYS!! I'm morequiffmalik.tumblr.com!!
> 
> I was thinking of giving away my personal but i'm still hesitant on that so i don't think i will...


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hm honestly i have considered taking this story down because there are so many mistakes and things that don't make sense and parts that could use improvement and i can't think about it without cringing. If i do decide to take it down then i might just rewrite it and then post it chapter by chapter again. I don't know. I don't think i'll be able to rewrite it this summer because it will be a busy one but maybe after. I don't know i haven't decided yet.
> 
> Anyway, here's another chapter i hope your not mad at me for taking so long to update. I mean, you can't be mad at me anyway because it's my birthday so by law you cannot be mean to me :D

Zayn hardly got a blink of sleep last night but he hadn’t moved from his spot in bed the entire time, staying curled into a ball and staring blankly at the wall across from him. His mind runs ramped and he lets it even if it’s tortuous.

His phone wouldn’t stop buzzing all throughout the night. The first few texts were from Niall asking where everyone went but Zayn had no motivation to even answer and all the texts after that were from Liam. They were spaced out, about one or two every hour, things like;

_I can’t sleep X(_

_I miss you :((((_

_Plz talk to me_

_I love you xxx_

And by that time Zayn was a right mess and he chucked his phone across the room with little strength but a determination to get the damned thing far away from him.

He has no idea where he and Liam stand right now. He had broken up with him, or he tried too but he doesn’t know if he did exactly and he doesn’t know if Liam knows either. He wants to say their still together and forget this entire fight but the constant voice at the edge of his every thought keeps reminding him that Liam deserves so much better, that he’s to fucked up to be with Liam, that he can’t bring Liam along this dark path he’s going down. And that goddamn voice that sounds way to much like himself wins every time.

He looses all perception of time locked away in his room with the curtains drawn. The hunger that rumbles in his stomach becomes insignificant and the need to pee can’t even motivate him to get up. And he wonders what exactly is the point of his life right now. He’s not in University, he has no family, he got fired from his job for lack of appearances and he doesn’t even have his boyfriend. He’s just here. Just fucking here and that’s not a comforting thought.

When the birds sing a little to loudly by his window and the smell of sausage seeps through the space under his door, he figures it’s morning. The knock that follows the tempting sent of breakfast is ignored and the voice that echoes on the other side has him pulling out Harry’s laptop the desk draw-Harry hardly uses it so Zayn borrowed it two months ago and never gave it back- and plugging in headphones to listen to the slow &b station on Pandora.

But it seems his friends are way too stubborn-which he already knew but forgot- and he finds his door being flung open after a while and the headphones being plucked from his ears. He goes to protest but he can’t find his voice and lays flat on the bed watching as Harry picks his phone up from the floor, closes the door and lays beside him.

“You threw this.” Harry mentions and hands over the phone. Zayn sighs and grabs it, placing it on the bedside table without even looking at it. He doesn’t think he can look at the messages Liam keeps sending him without breaking down again.

They lay in silence and Zayn knows Harry is trying to give him time and go to him on his own but Zayn is not going to do that and Harry will realize that soon enough.

“What happen last night, Z?” Harry eventually asks and Zayn tries to ignore the softness of his tone because it’s to sweet and accepting.

Zayn’s head pounds a little harder when he thinks about everything that was the night before and he just really doesn’t want to talk about it. “It’s nothing, Haz.” he sighs out.

Harry turns on his side to face him and furrows his eyebrows. “Bullshit. C’mon, Z. You know you can trust me.”

Zayn sighs again and his throat clogs up a bit when he realizes that he can. “I know.”

“So then tell me.” Harry urges but it’s not demanding and Zayn knows if he says no and Harry will simply nod his head and change the subject because Harry knows when not to push.

“Me and Li had a fight.” he admits and it clenches his stomach.

Harry nods. “Did it have to do with that big bloke at the club?”

Zayn shakes his head, ready to lie, before he changes it to a nod and he has to purse his lips to keep them from trembling. “I-he was- I should. Harry-”

Harry reaches down and grabs his hand, gives him an encouraging squeeze. “Go on.”

“I hurt Liam.” he croaks. “I hurt him and I don’t deserve him.”

Harry makes a wounded sound. “Don’t-don’t say that, Zayn. He loves you.”

Zayn shakes his head. “He shouldn’t. I-I hurt him, Haz, all I do is hurt people and I don’t want to hurt him too.” his voice shakes and he feels uncomfortably vulnerable but it also feels a bit lightening to finally talk to someone about his problems instead of bottling them up.

“How did you hurt him?”

Zayn closes his eyes, memories from the club coming back and when they were in the car and how sad Liam looked when he looked at him. “I let the bloke touch me, I should have pushed him away-” he says with disgust for himself. “but-but I froze and I couldn’t stop thinking about- and I was afraid and Liam was hurt that I let him touch me but I didn’t want him too! Really, Harry, I didn’t!”

Harry hushes him and moves closer to rest his head against Zayn’s shoulder. “Did you tell him that.”

“I didn’t get a chance too.”

“You should.”

Zayn heart cracks as he says in a choked voice, “I broke up with him. I think. I don't know.”

That has Harry sitting up quick, his face set in shock and Zayn hates how awful he feels. He wont be surprised if Harry kicks him out right here and now for hurting his best friend. He deserves all the hate and anger Harry gives him. “You broke up with him?” he repeats. "You think?" When Zayn nods his head Harry crosses his legs and stares at the duvet. “Why?”

Zayn sits up too and presses his back against the headboard, brings his knees to his chest and stares at them.  
“Because I’m to fucked up for him. I don’t want to put him through all of my shit.”

“Zayn, I know you’ve been through your fair share of stuff but Liam doesn’t care, he loves you and he’s accepted your past.”

“But.” Zayn inhales deep, wonders if he’s actually going to go through with this. Once he starts he can’t go back. “he doesn’t know everything.”

Harry picks up his head, tilts it, his interest peaked. “Hm? What else is there.”

Zayn tells him and the confession is almost as painful as the one about his parents. He can hardly get through a sentence without having to stop and calm his breathing. And when he’s done Harry hugs him so close and Zayn refuses to cry this time though the tears slip out without his permission. But he doesn’t sob. He will not sob.

“You have to tell him.” Harry whispers and his own voice is choked.

Zayn stutters on a breath and whispers back, “I know.”

"He'll understand."

Zayn isn't very sure of that.

~

 

He stares at his phone for what could be hours, his thumb twitching over Liam’s contact and every time he taps the call button he immediately hangs up before the first ring can even sound through the speaker. It’s been a two days and Liam had stopped texting him the night before and Zayn wonders if that means he finally realized what he got himself into and decided it’s not worth it, that Zayn is not worth it. And that doubt is what keeps him from actually calling Liam.

It’s Louis who finally snatches the phone from his hand, hits call, gives the phone back and looks him in the eyes and says, “Call him, you're both driving me fucking crazy.” before walking out of his room and leaving Zayn alone with his ringing phone.

Liam answers after three rings. “Zayn.” he kind of breathes and Zayn nearly chokes up at the sound of Liam’s voice.

“I can explain.”

 

~

 

The entire drive to Liam’s building he debates turning around and going back home because he’s not quite sure if he’s ready to go through another confession. But he knows if he wants to keep Liam then he’s going to have to clear the air and hope that Liam wont be so disgusted with him that he breaks it off this time.

Liam is waiting for him out front when he arrives and Zayn’s stomach drops to his toes and he’s suddenly craving an entire pack of cigarettes. He climbs out, hugs his arms around himself as he makes his way over with a bowed head. He’s wearing Liam’s hoodie, has been for the past two days and the sleeves stretch past his folded knuckles.

He doesn’t know what to expect when he finally reaches Liam but he’s pleased when it’s a hug even if it's hesitant. He wraps his arms around Liam’s waist, fists the back of his sweater and buries his face into his collarbone and breathes him, his sent setting comfort in his bones.

“I’m sorry.” he muffles into the thick material. “I can explain.”

Liam rubs his thumb along the skin of the back of his neck and kisses the top of his head. “It’s okay, Zayn. You don’t have too.”

Zayn shakes his head and un-tucked it from Liam’s sweater. “No, no I want too.”

Liam smiles soft and Zayn can’t help but return the smile despite the way his hands shake and his stomach turns at the idea of Liam knowing the extend of what his foster parents had done to him. “Alright then, lets go upstairs.” they lock hands and Zayn lets Liam lead the way considering it is Liam’s building and Zayn has no idea where his door is.

Liam’s apartment is not small but not large either and it’s bright and clean just as Zayn expected it to be. The layout is open and there are large windows across from the door. As soon as they kick off their shoes there’s a small husky scampering and slipping on the shiny floors and crashing straight into Zayn’s legs. Zayn laughs and bends down immediately to rub along the dogs head and accept the sloppy kisses it places on his face.

Liam grins above them and says, “That’s Loki. He seems to like you.”

“I didn’t know you had a dog.” Zayn says cheerfully, scratching underneath Loki’s chin.

“I haven’t had him to long. He belonged to my neighbor but his wife was to allergic and they were gonna bring him to a shelter so I adopted him.”

Zayn’s heart flutters with affection for Liam and he just wants to kiss him for being so sweet. Except he doesn’t think it would be very appropriate considering recent events. So he just stands up and waits for Liam to show him to the living room.

They sit on the long cream colored sofa with a good distant separating them and it aches somewhere in Zayn’s chest as he leans back against the arm, his legs crossed on the cushions and Liam faces him against the other arm, his legs bent In front of him. Loki jumps onto Zayn’s lap and licks his face a few times before settling flat out on his back and falling asleep like that. Zayn chuckles and pets the sleeping dogs stomach.

“Oi, what a traitor.” Liam pouts from the other side and Zayn shrugs with a bitten smile.

They fall into a silence after that, it’s not awkward but there’s an undeniable tension between them and Zayn’s mind is racing with ways to come about the subject. He doesn’t exactly want to talk about it but he knows it bothers Liam that he is so secretive and he just wants to please Liam so if opening up is what will do the trick then he’ll just have to force himself out of his comfort zone. For Liam.

“I do trust you.” Zayn starts quietly, his gaze focused on the sleeping animal in his lap because he’s not sure if he can look at Liam without backing out. “I just- It’s hard for me to talk about… certain stuff.” he looks up, all sincerity in his eyes as he says, “But I don’t want you to think it’s because I don’t trust you.”

Liam nods slowly, giving him a thoughtful look. “Okay, I understand.”

Zayn nods back and drops his gaze back to his lap. He swallows and a sweat breaks out on his palms. “I froze. At the club, I froze and I let him do what he wanted because I was afraid and I remembered- I felt like I was back in my foster home with-” he gulps, the memories flashing back through his mind. “I’m a coward and I don’t know what would have happened if you didn’t show up in time.”

“You would have let him take you home?” Liam asks calmly though Zayn can here the quiet undertones.

He breathes nervously. “I’m not use to-to defending myself. I don’t know how. My whole life I let Betty and Ruben do whatever they wanted to me and I. When he was touching me I- I was back there in my room and I just-I didn’t-” he cuts off, unable to speak further with the large lump in his throat and the tears stinging his eyes. He brings a hand to his face and presses his knuckles to his closed mouth to trap whatever sounds try to escape.

He hears Liam makes a strangled sound and he glances for only a second but that second is long enough for him to notice that Liam is catching on but he’s wont ask, Zayn knows he wont, not yet. So Zayn swallows thickly and removes his hand, pulling the sleeve further over his fist and fidgeting nervously. “It’s my fault, I could've stopped them from. From everything but I-I didn’t and now I. Now I can’t even say no to a prick at the club because I’m scared of what he’ll do.”

Though the words weren’t spoken it’s obvious what he means and he can’t dare look at Liam to see the disgust on his face. He feels the couch dipping near his crossed legs and he looks up to find Liam sitting closer, no trace of disgust on his face. “They-” he pauses and Zayn closes his eyes, waits for the word to be released into the thick air. “They raped you.”

The word hits like a train to his chest and the tears fall freely as he nods. He brings his sleeve covered knuckles back up to cover his pursed lips and turns his head away from the shame. His chest heaves as he tries to hold in the sobs that threaten to spill from his lips and now the room feels far to closed off and he needs the relief of a cigarette to stop the trembling of his body.

He wont dare close his eyes again because they’re there whenever he so much as blinks.

"I-I'm disgusting and. and I unders-stand if you don't want to. to be with me. You d-deserve be-better." he stutters, his breathing coming out shattered and broken. He sniffs into the sleeve and waits for Liam to ask him to leave.

“What? No, _no no_ _no._ ” Liam rushes and Zayn can hear the struggle in his voice possibly caused by his own tears that might be slipping down his cheeks too. “That's. That's not true.  _Fuck_. None of that's not true. Can I-can I hold you? I just want to hold you.”

Zayn’s throat clenches and an overwhelming feeling threatens to swallow him whole and he nods a bit jerkily as he tries not to show how desperately he actually wants to be held. “Please.” he whispers. And then Loki is being lifted off his lap, placed on the floor and then he’s uncrossing his legs and moving towards Liam’s waiting arms, settling between Liam’s open legs and burying his face in his chest. He grabs a hand full of Liam’s sweater in both his fists and lets it all consume him as Liam rubs his back and kisses the top of his head.

“I’m sorry.” Liam’s voice is wobbly and forced. “I’m sorry I reacted the way I did and I’m sorry for not understanding and I’m sorry you had to go through that, love, I’m so sorry, you didn't deserve any of it.”

Zayn shakes his head, swallows a sob and chokes out, “No. No, it’s n-not your f-fault, Li. I should of. I should of t-told you, I’m sor-sorry.”

“It’s okay, baby, it’s okay.” he soothes.

“I t-thought. I thought you were gonna h-hate me.” he breathes shakily and he presses impossibly closer. “It’s dis-disgusting.”

Liam holds him tighter and makes a disapproving sound. “I love you, I love you so much, I could never hate you. You’re so brave.”

Zayn wants to disagree, to insist that he’s a coward and list all the reasons why but he thinks he’s been enough of a burden already and he doesn’t want Liam to get annoyed with him so he keeps his mouth shut and focuses on the _I love you so much_ part because that part makes him feel good.

“I love you, thank you.” the sobs have finally subsided to silent tears and small hiccuping.

“You must be tired.” Liam says softly, brushing his hair off his forehead.

Zayn nods. “You?”

Liam scuffs. “Knackered. Hardly slept last night, couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

Zayn blushes and drops a small kiss to his clothed chest. “Me too.”

“I have a very comfortable bed just down the hall. Totally beats the couch.” Liam suggest with a small smile.

Zayn rubs his nose along Liam’s neck, presses a loving kiss just below his jaw and nods his head, thoroughly ignoring that voice in the back of his mind that is telling him this is just one fuck up on a long list of them.

Liam holds him extra tight that night and whispers sweet words and endearments into his ear and Zayn’s chest is so overwhelmed with love, he forgets why this is a bad idea.

 

**Author's Note:**

> what'd you think? Anything I should work on? Leave your feedback :)


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